Acceptance speech for the Award for Best Background Performance

2012-12-05-honesty

A satirical article, formerly published in The Other Press. Feb. 26 2013

As transcribed by Elliot Chan, The Extra Extra

Leonardo Deniro – Professional Background Performer

“Wow! Uhhh… Okay! Wow! I was so not expecting this. Wow! What an honour. When my agent first called and told me to show up on set, I did not know I was going to be playing such an amazing role. Unfortunate Bystander Number Four was an extraordinary exploration into the human dynamic; it has changed my life—so I would like to thank my agency, Meat Prop Inc., for giving me such a fabulous opportunity.”

(Pauses for a moment of introspection)

“Secondly, I would like to thank God for giving me a human body. Without it, I wouldn’t be able to be such an exceptional background performer. Next, I would like to thank my beloved mother for teaching me to stand still and then move naturally when someone shouts “Action!” I thought you were crazy at first, mom, but…(Resisting the urge to cry) Mothers know best and you were preparing me for a gurgling life of following directions. Without you, I would not be so obedient. You gave me the cues for success. I love you.” (Breaks down, dramatically)

(Milks applause for several more seconds)

“Next I would like to thank my colleagues. Gosh, any of you could be up here tonight, accepting this award. Denzel Washington DC, you were simply brilliant as the man walking the dog in Zero Dark Thirty. And then there is Daniel Night-Lewis; you were truly inspirational as that orc in The Hobbit, my eyes just somehow seemed to go to you. Who said being M. Night Shyamalan’s relative is a career curse, huh? Spinoff, dude, imagine a television show called Orc! Finally, how can I forget about you, Tobey Maguire. Where have you been, dawg? That was an incredible performance as the elephant in Life of Pi—I know your scene on the boat got cut, but damn! Incredible. I really don’t deserve to be in such an illustrious company… but I’ll keep the award anyways.”

(Pause for insincere pompous laughter)

“Background actors often don’t get the respect they deserve, but it is an art form.”

(More laughter)

“Sure, we might not be as good-looking and we don’t end up in the credits or whatever, but that’s not the point. We are a valued part of the movie experience. Like sets, props, music, and costumes, we complete the film. Just because we’re blurry figures in the background doesn’t mean we aren’t working hard. We are some of the hardest working people in the industry. You think sitting in a tent for 16 hours is easy? You think waiting for Dwayne “The Rock” Johnson to say his lines is easy? No, can CGI characters do that? Fuck no! Sorry, I didn’t mean to cuss. (Fakes embarrassment) Bottom line is that there are a million background performers losing their jobs. Students coming out of background acting school with nothing, absolutely nothing, not even as a Walking Dead zombie part.”

(Music starts playing)

“Wait! Hold on, I’m not finished! (Pause) The industry is evolving and it is time for us, the background performers, to stick together and come to the foreground of the problem. We might be extras on set, but no more. We are the leading actors of our own lives. So thank you, the academy, for the recognition. Martin Scorsese, you are a legend! Thank you!”

Henrik versus Linden

M~ Sun092502 Canucks READ

Formerly published in The Other Press. Feb. 26 2013
Will there ever be a new Captain Canuck?

By Elliot Chan, Staff Writer

On February 15, in a game against the Dallas Stars, Henrik Sedin surpassed Markus Naslund’s franchise record in points scored with 757. Although the Canucks eventually lost the game 4–3, it did not spoil the debate concerning the greatest Canuck of all time.

Among fans, there is no argument: Trevor Linden is still the idol in Vancouver. But realistically, what can Sedin do to over take him? The answer is simple: win a championship. The only way for any player to step out from Linden’s shadow is to reflect the light with the Stanley Cup. Then again, Sedin has done everything Linden did in less games played. Statistically, the only major area that Linden has the upper hand is in goals scored. Henrik is a playmaker, though he did show off his abilities to score in 2010 when his brother, Daniel went down with a leg injury. So, is it really so unfair to have this discussion?

Sedin has won the Art Ross and the Hart Memorial trophy, and led the Canucks to the Stanley Cup finals. But the term “led” is used loosely, because he has a notorious reputation of not showing up during pressure games. For most, it doesn’t matter what players do in the regular season, great players must bring their skills to do-or-die situations. Great players are clutch players. Unfortunately, Linden falls into the same category as Sedin. Both captained losing teams in the Stanley Cup Finals. The mirroring post-season experiences keep them on par with each other.

Besides coping with heartbreaking losses and being top draft picks, Sedin and Linden don’t have much in common. Sedin is Swedish, where as Linden is Canadian. I can’t speak for everyone, but in an international game where Canada is playing against the Swedes, it is a little difficult to cheer against Sedin. It plays a big part in Vancouver fans’ psyches. As shallow as it sounds, the best Canuck shouldn’t be a foreigner for that reason.

The other thing working against Sedin in respect of being the best Canuck is that he played most of his career with his identical twin right beside him. I’ve cheered them on for 13 years and still can’t tell them apart. For the longest time the debate was, who’s the better Sedin? They were neck and neck with points for so many years. One would pass and the other would score. Only recently did Henrik overtake Daniel in the race and earned recognition aside from being the other half of a scoring combination. Henrik Sedin will never be the greatest Canuck, because then what would Daniel be? They relied so heavily on each other their whole career it would be unfair to split them in such fashion.

Linden rose up the ranks, earned respect, and went through trials and adversity all on his own. That is why he is and always will be Captain Canuck to the city of Vancouver and Henrik Sedin, although he is currently wearing the “C” for captain, will always be paired up with his brother Daniel.

Nothing in life is permanent

LS_Perm-Pic-2

Formerly published in The Other Press. Feb. 26 2013

The rise and fall of the male perm
By Elliot Chan, Staff Writer

The decision to get a perm was not spontaneous. It wasn’t like I got drunk one night and woke up with curly hair. No, I discussed it with friends and family and contemplated it alone for hours. I was feeling adventurous. Changing my hairstyle was not like bungee jumping or public speaking, but it still took a lot of courage.

I remember approaching my long-time barber and inquiring about a perm. He looked at me with a smile. “No,” he said, “Men don’t get perms anymore.” That took me a little by surprise, but then I thought about my father. For most of my childhood, he had big curly hair. I’ll even go ahead and call it an afro. It was not natural; Chinese men like my dad usually have straight thin hair. I still remember sitting in the barbershop watching him with curlers on his head. He looked like my grandma, but I didn’t think much more about it. Then one day he cut his hair short and slicked it back with gel. I never saw him with a perm again. My father was far from a pioneer, but I thought I could surely bring the fashion back.

“I want it anyways,” I told my barber, “I want a perm.”

The barber gave a humourous yet disgruntled sigh and sat me down, gave my seat three quick pumps to find the perfect working level, and got to it. Six customers crept into the shop during the course of my transformation. The barber greeted them and gave an estimated time of finishing my do. Some waited patiently, while others left. All the while, I sat there staring at myself in the mirror and glancing over at the small audience. They were looking at their phones or reading magazines, but I could feel them quietly snickering at me. What have I done? I thought to myself. But it was too late — the curlers were in.

I really liked the way my hair turned out. Sure, it took a while to get used to, but I didn’t look half bad. For once in my life, my ethnicity was ambiguous. Being used to a life with a label like “Chan,” I didn’t mind people assuming I was Filipino, Korean, and even Mexican for a while. My perm was a pleasant departure from the norm. I embraced it, despite the occasional mockery and self-consciousness.

It took four months for my hair to grow out of the curls. Before I knew it, I was myself again, or someone who resembled the person I once was. I combed my fingers through my flat hair; it just wasn’t the same. I thought about trying it again and even suggested it to others, saying things like, “If you do it, I’ll do it.” But the days of male perms are gone, like cassette tapes and floppy disks.

Men today would rather take a more masculine approach to hairstyles: bangs, fohawks, or words shaved into their undercut. That is the current trend, and most people feel that it’s easier just to follow the pack.

Sometimes hair can feel like a nuisance, but it shouldn’t be. Hair should be a canvas for our own personal exploration and how others perceive us. Blonde to brunette, ponytail to cornrows, long bangs to bald—why not? There are so many things in life that are permanent, and hair isn’t one of them. So take a chance and be adventurous.

North by northwest

Sports-North-Western-NHL

Formerly published in The Other Press. Feb. 19 2013

The worst division in the NHL

By Elliot Chan, Staff Writer

Since the inauguration in 1998, the Northwest Division has only produced one Stanley Cup champion and three Presidents’ Trophy winners. From the glory days of the Colorado Avalanche to the current dominance of the Vancouver Canucks, the great Northwest has always been a one-horse race. Minnesota, Calgary, and Edmonton sneak into the playoffs on several occasions and have been memorable contenders, but the success was temporary. The failures of the division however seem permanent.

It is hard to stay optimistic watching each team struggling despite improvements. Edmonton has collected first-round draft picks and has developed a team with a youthful core, but still no notable growth can be seen.

Meanwhile, Minnesota went through some dramatic changes adding more of an offensive touch with players like Zach Parise, Dany Heatley, and Devin Setoguchi, but positive results haven’t been immediate.

For Calgary and Colorado, both are struggling through a period of transition as prominent players like Jarome Iginla and Milan Hejduk are taking on lesser roles in their waning days. There’s really no surprise that Vancouver is waltzing through the shortened year with their eyes set on another division title, their sixth in seven seasons.

For the fans of Northwest Division teams, patience is a virtue. It is a shame that some of the most passionate supporters of the sport have to suffer with subpar teams. Perhaps there is a greater expectation from proud hockey fans, but the truth of the matter is that the teams just aren’t that good. The way it looks at the moment, Vancouver might be the only team in the division entering the playoffs. There is a slim chance that Edmonton or Minnesota may upset another and sneak in, but with the stiff competition in the Western Conference’s bottom eight seeds, the odds are not in their favour.

As of the moment, this is good news for Vancouver fans. With the majority of the games against weaker opposition, the Canucks may have the easiest route to the playoffs. Then again, the spoils of having incompetent opponents may hinder their chances come do-or-die games. Teams that often do well in the playoffs are those that feel the pressure of making the post-season. Last year the Los Angeles Kings won the championship as an eighth-seed underdog, so it goes to show that no team cruises to glory. As weak and pathetic as the division looks at the moment, the Northwest have made the Stanley Cup Finals three times in the last 10 years, no better or worse than any of the other divisions in the Western Conference.

Study break: an oxymoron

 Lazy college Senior Meme (quickmeme.com).

Formerly published in The Other Press. Feb. 19 2013

The pros and cons of a mid-semester break

By Elliot Chan, Staff Writer

Show of hands—how many of you actually spent the study break studying? Don’t feel guilty if you avoided the books and assignments for a week; you’re not the only one. Most of us used the break in the traditional sense: as an actual break. Sleeping until noon, catching up on our favourite television shows, and seeing the long-forgotten faces of our friends and family. Some even tried to sneak in a vacation or go on a trip, but for those who weren’t successful in being productive, how effective was the study break? Would it have been more beneficial to keep the ball rolling and get the semester over with?

It’s easy to say at the beginning of the break that you’ll harness the motivation to get ahead, but odds are the battle will be lost to procrastination. Maybe you’ll sneak a few hours of reading and writing, but students are creatures of habit, and a schedule is hard to develop during a week-long break. The daily school routine keeps the momentum going for students. Remember the first week of school, getting the first assignment, and the will to accomplish it? The study break might seem like a delightful opportunity for leisure, or to get your head above the waves of homework, but odds are that it is nothing more than an academic speed bump, slowing the learning process.

Of course, the fear of burning out is always on the minds of stressed out students. It is flu season after all, and the worst-case scenario is falling ill and behind in lectures. For those who have been caught under the weather, the study break will be more of a recovery period. Therefore, they should avoid any strenuous activities altogether and be responsible in recuperating.

To call it a “study break” implies that there are assignments due and deadlines to be met. Some teachers and professors take the extra measure, supplying more homework to keep students busy. The reason administration incorporated the break into the semester was for students to find the balance between rest and work. It is important that all parties (students, teachers, and parents) understand the strain of education. A study break shouldn’t be one long cramming session, or a non-stop celebration. Ask any athletic trainer what is the most vital part of working out, and they will likely tell you that it’s the recovery afterward. Rest and proper nutrition are disciplines. And so it goes with learning: the study break might feel like two steps backward, but it is all a part of the process. Take a breather, have a stretch, and return to school with a rejuvenated outlook on your goals and accomplishments. The school year is not a sprint—it’s all a long hike up the academic Alps.

Please and poncho

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Formerly published in The Other Press. Feb. 19 2013

The practicality and comfort of a great garment

By Elliot Chan, Staff Writer

Unlike cowboy hats and bolo ties, ponchos are a fashionable and practical southern style. It is a shame that Canadian culture has been reluctant to adapt this awesome form of clothing in day-to-day life. Often associated with Latin conquistadors and Peruvian mountaineers, ponchos are considered a style too hip to pull off in urban communities. But as Vancouverites we come into contact with atrocious clothing hourly, and if we are going to be avant-garde with our fashion sense, we might as well dress in something that is pleasing not only to the observer, but also to the person wearing it.

From the Andes to the Rockies, we all live in the perfect poncho environment. Subject to unpredictable weather patterns, it is always handy to carry a poncho in your bag. It might sound like a primitive garment—after all, how effective can a piece of fabric be at insulating the body and deflecting wind? But there is a reason that the poncho is one of the few articles of clothing that has gone unaltered since its creation in Inca culture in 500 BC. It remains more than traditional garb. Its simplicity and functionality make it perfect for poverty-stricken areas. That does not mean it is just for hobos; ponchos are dignified attire worn by military, merchants, and craftsmen alike.

Imagine spending the day in bed, wrapped up in a blanket. Unless you are an infant or in a coma, you are unlikely to have such an opportunity. Ponchos are the compromise for getting up in the morning. A day in one will feel less strenuous. For any social event with an optional dress code, I recommend a poncho. It offers the wearer an approachable demeanor, a carefree attitude, and a nonchalant sagacity. Like a person gaining the placebo effect of wisdom from putting on a pair of glasses, a person draped in a poncho will feel quiet confidence and comfort, one that a dress shirt and tie will never offer. So, why not?

There are countless of situations perfect for ponchos. During a day at a beach, a poncho can keep the sun off and double as a blanket. For a night in with a movie, a poncho becomes the stylish alternative to night robes and that horrendous invention—the Snuggie. Camping trips, wilderness escapades, dreary transit rides, and long road trips are all excellent occasions to cuddle up or stand proud in a poncho.

Breakup letters

 lets-break-up

Formerly published in The Other Press. Feb. 5 2013

From Elliot Chan, Heartbreaker

Breakup Letter #3

Dear Idiot,

Okay, I’ll try to make this short—just the way you like it. We are breaking up. So please don’t leave your Skype on anymore for me to watch you sleep. The sound of you snoring no longer soothes me—and yes, you do snore. You wouldn’t know that because you’re asleep! You snore and fart too! Argh! I’m so glad I don’t have to have those arguments anymore. And last week when I wore a new sweater and I asked you how I looked and you know what? You said that I looked good. God, I hate you! That is not what I wanted to hear. You didn’t even notice my new sweater. It was like you don’t even care that I looked good. It was a really nice sweater, you asshole! And FYI, my mother didn’t like you even though she was nice to you when you were over. She does that to all the boys I bring over. And out of all of them, she liked you the least. Please return all the things I brought to your house and left there as a means of making sure you were mine.

Have a good life—Not,

Disillusioned teenage girl

 

 

Breakup Letter #26

For my Platonic Love,

It was a mistake falling for you—a grave mistake and now we are both in danger. I have not been completely honest with you or completely faithful. It shames me to tell you this, but I am in love with another. Don’t be cross, for he is a sweet boy that treats me nice, although he does have flaws. You see, he is a fallen angel-vampire-zombie…I know, I know… it has been done, but that is not the point. The thing is that he knows about you and me. He said he’d fight for me, for he is ever so noble.  However I chastised him for being so stern, for you are a mere mortal who doesn’t eat the flesh of the living after judging them Yes, I have seen you without your shirt on and I know that you are reasonably fit. I’m certain you’d put up quite a harrowing fight, but still I care for you and never want to see you hurt, especially for me. So go on, leave me to die in his arms forever.

Painfully dramatic,

Disenchanted fable chick

 

 

Breakup Letter #33

To Client #1664,

Dear valued customer, on January 22, 2012, you signed up for an account on DatingLive.org in hopes of meeting compatible people and developing lasting relationships. We at DatingLive use a complex algorithm through extensive research along with our secretary’s assumptions to find the perfect match. Over the past year we have set you up with numerous women. After each date, you have left comments showing your satisfaction, but still you remain single and a proud client of DatingLive. We are convinced that our secretary was right about you and have matched you with one perfect partner after the other. We regret to inform you that we must terminate your account on the fact that you, in our secretary’s words, have “no game.”  You are playing with us and we don’t like being played with. Each and every girl on DatingLive is like a sister to us. So if you hurt or toy with any of them, we’ll find you and fuck yo’ ass up.

We apologize for any inconvenience,

Disengaging automated response unit 7421 of the DatingLive Organization

Food for thought

 

Formerly published in The Other Press. Feb. 5 2013

Fast and smart snacks for study sessions
By Elliot ChanStaff Writer

When we eat we often consider our waistline, but forget that food also goes to our head. Therefore, we must feed it the nutrition it needs to function at its full potential. But preoccupied students have no time to show their culinary prowess. Deadlines, responsibilities, and commitments take up time so that cooking properly is often placed on the back burner. Here are some quick recipes for eating well, so students can go from pots and pans back to pen and paper.

Tuna Taco: Fish contains omega-3 fatty acids that increase brainpower assisting with comprehension, problem solving, and memory. Yet, fish can also assist in causing a big mess, so for now, let’s stick with manageable ingredients: one eight-ounce can of tuna, four corn tortillas, a quarter-cup of chopped cilantro (optional), half a chopped onion (optional), two tablespoons of mayonnaise, two tablespoons of sour cream, one tablespoon of lemon juice, two tablespoons of cream, and one teaspoon of oil.

Heat the oil in a pan and sauté the onion if you’re using one. Mix in the tuna. In a small bowl, mix the mayonnaise, sour cream, lemon juice, and cream together. Portion the tuna into the tortilla shells. Add sauce, garnish with cilantro if desired, and enjoy.

Fried Rice and Eggs: Eggs are a good source of essential fatty acids and yolks contain choline, which is a building block for brain cells. Whenever there is leftover rice, consider combining it with eggs in a frying pan to save food and make a quick dinner. The ingredients are: one cup of cooked rice, a half-teaspoon of salt, one teaspoon of vegetable oil, half a chopped onion, a half-cup of green beans, one beaten egg, and a quarter-teaspoon of ground black pepper.

Sauté the onions and green beans on an oiled skillet or wok and cook for two minutes. Pour egg, stir until cooked, then add the cooked rice and mix. Sprinkle with black pepper and serve.

Curry: Turmeric, the essential spice for curry, contains curcumin, which helps remove plaque from the brain. Although it may seem like a hard dish to pull off, a quick meal of curry is in fact pretty simple. So don’t be intimidated by the ingredient list: one pound of chicken breast cut into bite-size pieces, two peeled and chopped potatoes, one peeled and chopped red onion, one peeled and chopped carrot, two tablespoons of vegetable oil, two tablespoons of curry paste or curry powder, one cup of chicken broth, one teaspoon of granulated sugar, a half-teaspoon each of salt and ground pepper.

Heat up the oil in a wok and then add the chopped onion. When the onion is soft and translucent, add the curry paste or powder and stir (add a bit of water if using powder). Insert the chicken into the mix and cook until brown. Add the carrots and potatoes. After a few minutes, add the chicken broth, sugar, salt, and pepper. Stir and mix well. Cover the wok and allow it to simmer on low heat for 15 minutes. Taste and adjust seasoning if necessary. Eat, clean up, and then get back to work.

 

Celebrate the Year of the Snake

Formerly published in The Other Press. Feb. 5 2013

Chinese New Year festivities around Metro Vancouver
By Elliot Chan, Staff Writer

On February 10, the lunar calendar will flip from the year of the dragon to the snake. So forget the doldrums of January and ring in the Chinese New Year before heading off for the study break. Firecrackers, lion dances, and a whole lot of food are available all across town. Here are some of the cultural events happening:

The Aberdeen Centre in Richmond is hosting the Flower and Gift Fair on February 6-11. Since 1989, the fair has been the main stop for all things Chinese New Year. Decorations, flowers, and food stands can all be found throughout the mall.

On February 9, stay until midnight for the Chinese New Year countdown inside of the main atrium. Musicians, dancers, and other entertainers will be performing on the large stage for the duration of the night.

The next morning on February 10, out in the Aberdeen Centre courtyard the Golden Dragon and Lion Dance will present an extravagant performance starting at 11 a.m.

If you want to settle down and enjoy live performances, the Aberdeen Chinese New Year Cultural Spectacle on February 10 and 11 will host two separate shows. On the 10th, the BC Chinese Music Association and Vancouver Academy of Dance take the stage at 1:15 p.m.–4 p.m. On the 11th,the Colours of Dance Academy and Vancouver Cantonese Opera will be performing from 12:30 p.m.–4 p.m.

Popular downtown nightclub, Pop Opera presents the Year of the Snake Celebration on February 9th. Ring in the New Year with a night of dance and drinks. The first 50 people to arrive will receive red envelopes with money.

Come by the Crystal Mall in Burnaby on February 10 at noon to meet the God of Fortune and get a free calligraphy greeting. Then stay for the lion dances and the lucky draw.

The International Village Celebration takes place from February 15-17, containing multiple exhibits and hourly performances and draws. Admission is free.

The Dr. Sun Yat-Sen Garden Snake Temple Fair in Vancouver on February 17 combines the festive with the spiritual. With a suggested entry donation of $5 you can enjoy food and musical performances, as well as visit exhibitions and learn more about the Chinese tradition. 

And finally, the Chinatown Parade on February 17 is the most renowned event in town. The 1.5 km parade from Pender to Keefer Street gathers a large crowd every year. Martial artistes, dragon and lion dancers, and marching bands will be making their way across historical Chinatown from 12 p.m.–2 p.m. Arrive early to get a good spot and then head over to the Sun Yet-Sen Plaza for the Festival and Cultural Fair from 11 a.m. to 5 p.m. Happy Year of the Snake!

The ball’s in our court

Formerly published in The Other Press. Jan. 29 2013

Canada versus Spain in Davis Cup 
By Elliot Chan, Contributor

Since Milos Raonic was knocked out by Roger Federer in the fourth round of the Australian open, he has turned his attention back home in preparation for the Davis Cup. The Ontario native will team up with BC’s Vasek Pospisil, Niagara Falls’ Frank Dancevic, and Canadian tennis veteran Daniel Nestor to compete against the first seeded nation, Spain, at the Doug Mitchell Thunderbird Sports Centre at UBC on February 1–3.

Though the Spanish team will be missing the prestigious Rafael Nadal due to injury, they are still a formidable group. Nicolas Almagro, the 11 seeded singles player, former doubles champions Marc Lopez and Marcel Granollers, and 51 seeded Albert Ramos will be a handful for the Canadians.

“Spain is going to be a real challenge,” said Canadian team captain, Martin Laurendeau. “They are the top team in the world with incredible depth. They have 13 players in the top 100 alone so no matter what team they’re bringing, it will be stacked with talent.”

The winner of the three days will advance to the quarterfinals in April. Meanwhile the loser will fall into a survival bracket, where they will play a must-win tie in order to compete in the World Group in the next Davis Cup tournament in 2014.

The Canadians’ main cause for apprehension is Raonic’s health. He was showing signs of a foot ailment during his lost to Federer. But Laurendeau assured that it was nothing to be concerned about. “He’s fine, no worries about Milos,” he said.

It has been 22 years since Canada faced Spain. It was the only time the two nations had contended against each other in the competition. The result went in favour of the Europeans, who won the tie 4–1 in Murcia, Spain. Although the Spanish team had won 10 out of 14 ties in their homeland, traveling abroad has been a problem. They lost in the finals 2–3 last year against the Czech Republic team in Prague.

Canada, on the other hand, is entering the competition on a positive note. They defeated South Africa 4–1 in September to keep their position in the higher tier. The same quartet that secured their spot in the World Group last year is entering the same challenge this year. Should Canada upset Spain in the first round, they will have an opportunity to face Croatia or Italy in the quarterfinals.

Two singles matches are scheduled for Friday the first, a doubles match on Saturday, and finally a reverse singles on Sunday, where players swap opponents. Tickets are now being sold for both individual days and as a three-day package. There is also a 10% off special for students.