Six reasons why you need to change your outlook of dating
By Elliot Chan, Opinions Editor
Formerly published in The Other Press. February 3, 2016
It’s been years since I’ve dated. If you dropped me back into the dating scene, I wouldn’t turn cool, confident, and desirable; I would become feral, become the creepy guy at the club, or become a loner who waits around until one of my other single friends calls me up to hang out. That’s because the term “dating” is scary.
I don’t know how to date. I never did. I never had an online dating profile or anything like that. I don’t believe dating, in the traditional dinner and a movie sense, is the way to meet people. At least, it shouldn’t be the origin of a relationship. Dating is like gambling. You are betting on a person, on a night, or on an event to turn out in your favour—which is selfish. Dating can be any activity, but dating itself should be invisible. It shouldn’t be quantified (ex. first date, second date, etc.).
Because of conventional thinking, dating garnered this negative connotation and it plants a bad seed in our minds, psyching us out. In this article, I’ll look at six different ways to look at dating that will give you a more positive outlook on your prospective love.
1) A relationship is a friendship, so start with a friendship. If you are having trouble even getting your friends to hang out with you, you need to reevaluate. There is nothing wrong with hanging out with a friend. Having someone loyal—even if they have put you in the friend zone—helps people understand you. Don’t look for a spouse, look for a friend.
2) New experiences offer new opportunities. Do what you want to do and invite people who want to join you. Don’t make plans around people; make plans for you. If someone wants to join you, they are more than welcome, but regardless, you will have an experience. If you go alone, you might even meet someone along the way.
3) Learn something and work together. Take a class or invest yourself in a project. A relationship is all about learning and collaborating together. By participating in an educational experience with someone, you can determine whether you can function together.
4) Find an anchor. Don’t be persistent; be steady. Romantic comedies have ruined many people’s understanding of romance. The never-say-die attitude is poison in a sprouting relationship. Romance, after all, is not something you commit 100 per cent of your life to. You have to steady your own ship before other people will hop on. Get an education. Get a job. Move out of your parents’. Focus on more than romance. If you are unrelenting with finding dates, you are merely pushing people onto your sinking vessel.
5) Be vulnerable. So often dating can seem like a job interview where we try to look our best. It’s not a job interview. You won’t lose anything for being genuine. Obviously, don’t end up weeping over your ex, but open up your world and be open-minded when your date does the same.
6) Make plans. Life is the moments you spend making plans. You can tell if you’ve found the one if the two of you are able to follow through with the plans you’ve made. Mortgage, marriage, vacations, or mundane things like a trip to the supermarket—these are the plans you’ll make while growing old together. A date is really just a plan that you kept, and it’s not so scary.
What to expect when you invite a couple over to your place
By Elliot Chan, Opinions Editor
Formerly published in The Other Press. February 3, 2016
Behind closed doors, it doesn’t matter what two people do. Regardless of who’s home or where you are—as long as it’s private—people deserve their privacy. You cannot govern someone’s sexual behaviour even if it is on your property. Naturally, when you invite people over to your place for a sleepover, a weekend, or a vacation getaway, you don’t often jump to the conclusion that your home would turn into a sleazy hotel room. But people do have sex, and you’ll have to accept it.
As a host, it’s impossible for you to keep track of your guests 24 hours a day. Should you hear some bump in the night, remember that they are just enjoying themselves and it’s temporary. Brush it off or laugh it off. If it’s too obvious to ignore, it’s your right as the host to pull your guest aside later on the next day and let them know that sex is okay, but they should perhaps be more discreet.
As a guest, it’s your job to be respectful. Depending on the person’s home, you can gauge whether raucous noise in the middle of the night will be frowned upon or if others in the house are probably getting some as well. There’s a difference from staying at your in-laws’ and your friend’s summer home.
I’m quite liberal with sexual freedom. People should be allowed to have sex, especially when it is private. Even when it isn’t, I live by the rule: if nobody knows, nobody cares. Yes, afterward someone will have to clean up the sheets, but hell, if the hosts weren’t prepared to do a bit of cleaning, they shouldn’t have invited people over.
You cannot welcome people into your home and say things like “make yourself comfortable” and then get angry because they did something you didn’t want them to do. When you open the door to people, you have to accept that they will do what they do. Your house is not a prison and you’ll just have to trust that your friends and family members will just behave and be respectful.
One of the worst fears for many people is walking in on others having intercourse. If that is a genuine concern while you are hosting, then maybe you shouldn’t have them sleeping in the living room or in an area without a closed door. If you don’t have any other options, then that is just a risk you are going to have to take. Maybe when they are “asleep,” you shouldn’t go wandering into where they are staying. If they are in their room, don’t go barging in. Follow the old rule: before you turn the corner, knock.
Let’s be adults. Sex isn’t that big of a deal. There are far more traumatic things in the world. Get over it and stop acting so stuck-up.
What would happen if all sex was consensually free?
By Elliot Chan, Opinions Editor
Formerly published in The Other Press. February 3, 2016
We consider it the oldest profession, but such a claim creates an illusion that what is happening now and has been happening since the dawn of men and women is okay. Now, I’m all for people doing whatever they please with their bodies, and should they decide to sell it for sex, neither I nor anybody else has the right to stop them. Not even the law, right?
Yet I also know that a large number of women, and many we can only refer to as girls, who enter the trade do not consider what they do empowering. It’s slavery. Many are taken from their homes, trafficked to different countries, and sold like products on the streets. So the people who choose to take on prostitution as a career are in fact crippling those that don’t.
There is no honest way to stop prostitution. It’s not a company. It’s an industry. You can close down Safeway, but people who want groceries will simply go over to Superstore. Same goes with illegal sex. You can get rid of a drug dealer, but another one will just fill in the gap and fulfill the demand. It’s a business, and like all businesses, as long as there is demand, there will be suppliers.
So the question when it comes to stopping prostitution isn’t how to stop prostitution, but how to stop men from paying for illegal sex. After you utter such a question all you can do is give a big exhale, because even the most optimistic of folks can agree that such a mission sounds impossible.
The thing about prostitutes is that many of them aren’t offering sex exclusively; they are offering companionship. They are “escorts.” If it’s just horniness that drives the male desire for sex, then a few minutes alone with the Internet should be enough to suffice. But loneliness is a whole different beast. The longing for physical touch is not something that every person is blessed with. If we want to end prostitution, we must find a solution where we can give people the satisfaction of human contact and emotional intimacy, while preventing them from falling into drugs or other abusive habits.
When you peel away the skin of the problem and look at the core, you can see that the need for prostitution is continued due to the fact that some men are just bad at interacting with women. These men are so undesirable, or they feel so undesirable, that they cannot imagine woman spending time with them without having to pay. I believe we live in a world where people can rise above that shitty attitude—the attitude of self pity and shame from people who want something but aren’t willing to work for it. They take the easy route, and that is what prostitution is. Instead of driving around the block looking for free parking, the driver will just pay for a spot in the parkade. It’s easier.
I don’t like the people who approach prostitution as lusty entertainment for a stag or stagette party. I think that tradition needs to be wiped out. However, no matter how much I’d like to believe that we can find ways to seek other companionship, prostitution as a source of comfort and cure for the lonely is something this world cannot be without for now.
By Elliot Chan, Opinions Editor
Formerly published in The Other Press. Jan. 27, 2016
Oh, the satisfying feeling of completely destroying something—like a relationship—that you don’t want to be a part of anymore. Whether it be romantic or professional, leaving something is never easy. Sometimes it happens through mutual understanding, and other times it occurs as a tug-o-war, pulling until the tether that binds yourself and your counterpart snaps.
There are many articles and forums out there discussing the positives of burning bridges. One reason offered is so that you will never have to return to that place, be if physical or emotional, ever again. By severing your ties completely, you can only look forward and not back. It’s always tempting to go back to a comfort zone, even if the comfort zone is most often uncomfortable, and at times painful. Many people who break up from a relationship find themselves back together again, going through the same turbulence as before—but the turbulence is comforting because it is familiar. Sometimes burning the bridge is the only way to move on.
By burning the bridge with your former employer, you can almost be certain you would not have to end up in that shitty job again. However, while this practice might have been true, and perhaps advantageous, in previous years, it is not anymore. When you burn a bridge with a company, you don’t just burn it with the boss, you let the entire team down. People talk and they will talk about your tactlessness and your true colours. You let pride get in the way of your job.
It’s a small world out there and people aren’t fixed to one job anymore. While you’ve left your previous employment in a smoldering mess, others might have exited graciously. These people might even be your former boss. These people might cross paths with you again—odds are they will, if you stay in the same career path.
The next time you decide to rip your employers and/or co-workers apart before exiting into hellfire, remember that you are not making any grand statement. You are trapping yourself into a persona. Whatever attributes you obtained during your employment will be erased. You will be the loose cannon who wouldn’t compromise.
If you have a choice, which you always do, you should choose to take the higher ground and bow out with class and dignity. Nobody will feel sorry for you or congratulate you for burning bridges and posting about how you stuck you middle finger out at your superiors on social media. Nobody cares about you if you don’t care about others.
Yes, burning bridges will help you eliminate options you don’t want, but it’s like a wildfire: you might destroy some opportunities you desire in the future. You cannot control how other people will view you after such destructiveness. You cannot stop people from being wary of you. You were a bridge burner. What’s to say you won’t do it again?
By Elliot Chan, Opinions Editor
Formerly published in The Other Press. Jan 27, 2016
I’m not a gambler. I live by the virtues of earning what I have—not winning it through gambling. Some people call gambling a “stupid person tax” and I don’t disagree. However, unlike tax, gambling comes with a little bit of hope; hope that this game of chance can alter your life for the better. But studies have found it not to be true.
Winning the lottery does not enhance life overall, just in materialistic ways. There have been cases of lottery winners going bankrupt, of fraudulent tax returns, of robbery, and of family and acquaintance sticking out their hands for a piece of the fortune. As The Notorious B.I.G. said, “Mo’ money, mo’ problems.” And money coming into your possession so quickly will create more problems that you cannot prepare for.
Earlier this month, the Powerball broke the world record by reaching a jackpot of $1.6 billion. It caused a stir, and made some non-gamblers take a chance, entering the pot. It is almost inconceivable winning that amount of money. And while the winners won’t be billionaires after taxes, their winnings are still more than what most people would earn if they were to live 100 lives.
The winners turned out to be an average couple, John and Lisa Robinson from Munford, Tennessee. They claim that they won’t be making any extravagant purchases. They will use their winnings to pay off their mortgage and debts. They claim to be normal people and will be keeping their current jobs. However, they should know they are no longer such, and every action they make with their funds will be heavily criticized by their peers. To not hoard the money is a grand display of character. Remember, the lottery is a stupid person tax, and like all taxes the funds are expected to return to the public. They ask people to respect their privacy, but they lost that luxury when they went in public to announce their winnings.
See, winning the lottery is not a simple hand over of money in a suitcase. There is this whole process of proving that your ticket is not a fraud. Winning such a large sum of money forces you and your family into the public eye. You must first convince people that you have won it. And that was the case with the Robinsons, who were encouraged to go onto the Today Show and announce their luckiness—or unluckiness.
Winning the lottery—especially one so prominently publicized as the Powerball—is a life-changing event. With money there is great power, and now it’s up to the people who wield it to use it wisely. Should freeloaders trick the Robinsons, it wouldn’t be the first time. Should the Robinsons blow it all on extravagance, they won’t be the first. Should the Robinsons be corrupted by the mighty dollar, that is almost a guarantee. They want everyone to perceive them as normal, but there is nothing normal about winning a lottery of that magnitude.
By Elliot Chan, Opinions Editor
Formerly published in The Other Press. January 27, 2016
I was watching this show on Netflix. I believe you might have heard of it. It’s called Making a Murderer, and it follows the heinous trials, mistrials, and accusations against a man named Steven Avery.
The 10-part documentary covers many levels of the legal process from the investigation, to the prosecutions, to the judgment. It’s an intriguing and frustrating watch and a fine example of injustice presented as justice. It’s an example of how our society always has a finger on the trigger, ready to place someone in the line of fire so that we can feel safe. If you have been resisting the urge to see Making a Murderer, don’t. Watch it. It’ll teach you to think twice the next time you point your finger.
This has been the case closer to home. On January 12, three suspicious men were spotted filming exits and entrances of Pacific Centre in Vancouver. The images of these men, who just so happen to be “Middle Eastern looking,” were leaked onto the Internet and news feed were flooded with the question: Can you identify these individuals?
When I saw the images of those men, my initial reaction was perhaps the same as many other citizens. With the Paris attacks fresh in my mind, I wanted someone to find these people and get them locked up as quickly as possible, and I’d just stay as far from Pacific Centre as possible. It’s true that, while racial profiling is wrong, the instinctual reaction to protect the hive is not. For those that shared the images of the suspicious behaviour, I say, well done. Although it might have been a false alarm, we did a good job alerting everyone about something suspicious that could have escalated into a horrific crisis.
I’d also like to commend the Vancouver Police Department for efficiently exonerating those men. Apparently, the reason for filming everything in the mall was because of a sight impairment. It was a curious case, but nothing illegal. To me it still sounds rather suspicious, but I haven’t spoken to those people. All I know is what the media is offering… and so it goes.
The police could have easily taken the other direction and showed some grit. But if we started punishing innocent people for incidents like this, then the terrorists would have won. Many department stores have policies that forbid filming and photography; perhaps Pacific Centre can implement something of that measure to keep the innocent behaving innocently.
As for the fact that we were all in one way or another caught in the act of racial profiling, I want to ask: how can we avoid that in the future and still stay diligent? Let’s be honest, if there were three Asian men taking pictures in Vancouver, we wouldn’t bat an eye. But since they were “Middle Eastern looking” we all jumped to conclusions.
We must honour the fact that people are innocent until proven guilty. We must remember how disgusted we felt when watching the world turn their back on Steven Avery in Making a Murderer. Should the world be documenting us for a Netflix original, do we want to be a despicable character? Or do we want to be the ones that side with the full story and justice?
Let’s hope women who took part in #WasteHisTime will find Prince Charming
By Elliot Chan, Opinions Editor
Originally published in The Other Press. January 20, 2016
It’s a scary world out there for single men and women—even for people in relationships—and with trends like #WasteHisTime it appears as though it is only getting worse. #WasteHisTime first started as a way for women to get back at the men they had dated, had relationships with, or whatever you want to call it.
For example here’s a #WasteHisTime: “Ask him if he is good with his hands, then when he comes over make him put together that IKEA furniture.”
Very funny, right? Because all men want sex, right?
Dating is hard, and finding someone that connects with you intimately is even harder. I don’t believe it’s something you can force. It’s organic. It happens with communication. It happens through mutual respect. It happens through a simple give-and-take system of emotional and physical elements. When men aren’t able to satisfy women’s needs, it is only polite that they don’t satisfy theirs. No! #WasteHisTime is merely an admittance of creating a second wrong. And since when have two wrongs made a right?
Ladies, if you are waiting for a man to enter the room and sweep you off your feet, you better grab a seat because you might be waiting awhile. Searching for a boyfriend is a lot like hiring a good staff member. Women, like employers, have this wish list of qualities for their applicants. Should this fine person hit the right number, you’ll request an interview—also known as a date.
Remember the last job interview you went in for? Remember how nervous you were? You got dressed in your best outfit, you prepared your interview topics, and you stood by the elevator in the power stance for way too long. You wanted the job. Afterward, as you left the company building, you decide to check your social media. You see a new post from the company you interviewed for and it reads: “Had interview with someone with no experience. Wanted to see how many ‘umms’ she would say. 15. #WonOfficeBet.” How would you feel? Kind of shitty, of course.
It’s a hard enough world out there without having to create more evil. We should start treating each other better, especially those who are willing to open themselves up to you and be vulnerable for even 10 minutes.
And even if your date is bad, there is nowhere that says just because of that you have to be a bitch to him. There is nowhere that says you can’t just avoid him and find someone else. Life is too short. Don’t waste your own time.
How to Take Control of Your Nomadic Lifestyle
Originally published on Medium.
There has always been this negative connotation to the phrase: “Taking work home with us.” It’s as if the act of working is a burden to our lives. It’s as if our unfinished assignments are keeping us up at night. It’s as if our profession is harming those we love and ourselves.
I like to believe that while some of us work to live, many of us live to work. Our professional accomplishments are not just our livelihood; they’re a part of our identity. Sure, our jobs bleed into everything else we do, but that doesn’t mean we are shackled to the desk, or that we have to omit time with friends and families to meet deadlines — and it sure as hell doesn’t mean we have to miss an episode of our favorite television show just to send a last-minute email.
Yes, work is home with us, it’s in the car with us, it’s on the airplane with us, and it’s turning down our hotel room beds when we are at an out-of-town conference. No longer do we need an alter ego for the work we have. Ourwork follows us around because it is something we are proud of, something we want to share, and something portable that we can manage in a coffee shop in Los Angeles or a bar in London.
“Don’t think what’s the cheapest way to do it or what’s the fastest way to do it… think ‘what’s the most amazing way to do it?’” — Richard Branson.
Get A Life
A high school bully once told me to get a life after I finished talking about all the novels I’d read and how I wished I had more time to read more. Life? What the bully didn’t understand was that his values — video games, aggressively loud music, and misogynistic jokes — did not align with mine. Because he hated reading, he assumed I was flawed for enjoying it. How we spend our lives is up to us, not some argumentative bully.
At times, it can feel as though a job can become this bully, telling us that our camping trip is less important than the next deadline. It is and it’s not. When I use the word freedom, it does not mean doing anything whenever we want. Freedom comes when we are able to control and prioritize our work, interests, and, of course, life accordingly. Why shouldn’t we be able to have a three-day weekend if we hunker down and got the job done on Thursday? Why can’t we bring our work on the road trip when we know we can accomplish it in the hotel after the drive? Why must we drag ourselves so early into the office just to lounge around sluggishly?
For every quality worker in our area there are probably hundreds of equally talented people who are scattered around the country. Most aren’t willing to just pack up and leave their lives. Work has become mobile, but many other things aren’t. If you want to attend a prestigious school, go for it. If you want to take up a new hobby, do it. As long as you find the time to work, the sky is your limit. And don’t let bullies tell you otherwise.
“Self-employed people work where they live. Entrepreneurs live where they work.” — Mokokoma Mokhonoana
Make Time For Office Hours
I’m not your boss so I’m not going to tell you that all your work should be done remotely. I’m also not telling you to quit your job to become a travel writer — although that would be pretty cool. I’m saying that we don’t need to be centralized anymore to accomplish significant tasks.
Still nothing that matters happen in a vacuum. Good things can be done independently, but world changing, disruptive innovations are often collaborations between talented people. So take that into consideration. Although email, instant messaging, Google Drive, Skype, and other digital/telecommunication tools have connected us together, there is still nothing more important than face-to-face real time conversations.
Communication with four people in the room is hard enough, but communication with 10 people in message thread is just pure chaos. In a global survey, 67% of senior execs and managers believed that their organization was more productive when superiors communicated with employees personally. Emails, instant messaging and all the other technology slows down the decision making process. Passing the conch around might work, but when a problem needs to be solved, meet in person.
Understanding when it is appropriate to take the conversation offline is probably the most important aspect of working remotely. Sure, the work will get done through the cyber networks, but there is nothing that nurtures camaraderie and team bonding like face-to-face problem solving and celebrations.
“You think you can see the light at the end of the tunnel, but it’s only some bugger with a torch bringing you more work.” — David Brent
Home Is Where Your Work Is
There are countless distractions when you are working out of the office. After all, the world is a beautiful place; it’s hard to stay focused when your desk is beside the window or when you are one click away from YouTube. So needless to say, the most important aspect of working independently is self-discipline.
Without supervision, it becomes ever more important to be entrenched in a project you are actually passionate about. If you aren’t motivated to get up in the morning, brew a cup of coffee, and sit down and actually work, perhaps home is not the right environment for it. Working at home might be convenience but sometimes good work happens in a less ideal environment. Many people who live in apartments with fitness facilities don’t actually use them. It doesn’t matter if its convenient, what matters is if you find it meaningful.
After all, what’s worst than waking up to an undesirable workload, already waiting for you at the foot of your bed?
“To get GoPro started, I moved back in with my parents and went to work seven days a week, 20 hours a day. I wrote off my personal life to make headway on it.” — Nick Woodman
Work’s A Beach
We’ve all had this romantic fantasy of bringing our work on vacation with us. We’ll be by the pool, soaking up the sun, and catching up with our assignments. Approximately 60% of US employees have worked while on vacation. While it might be worth an attempt, working and relaxing are separate entities and even though you love your job and the scenery, you can’t enjoy both at the same time.
In 2013, I had an opportunity to escape the early spring rain of Vancouver and visit Brazil. While I choose to limit my workload, I still had a few assignments stored in my carry on for me after I landed. With three weeks aboard, the job needed to get done. No excuses! So I had to treat the work time as sacredly as I would treat my flight’s boarding time.
I split up my work schedule. In the mornings while everybody was milling about getting ready for the day, I’d check my email and tackle the less stressful tasks. Then I’d disconnect completely. There is no place for work on the beach or on a scenic hike to a waterfall. In the afternoon after the excursion, I’d find a quiet spot, plug in and work a bit more while some took naps and others started pre-drinking or preparing for dinner. Truth was, I didn’t miss much while working. In fact, I made money while on vacation. It didn’t pay for everything, but it was rewarding.
“If you live for weekends or vacations, your shit is broken” — Gary Vaynerchuk
Take Control
How important is your work?
Is it more important than a text message from a friend? Is it more important than your favorite sports team making playoffs? Is it more important than your high score in Candy Crush? Probably. So treat it as such. If you can respond to your flaky friend cancelling a dinner date with you last minute, you should be able to respond to a fraudulent payment. You should be able to notify your team about a large successful transaction. You should be able to see your company’s analytics on the go and make actionable decisions on the fly.
Control, a mobile app dedicated to supporting the nomadic lifestyle of modern day entrepreneurs, artists, and business managers. The app utilizes the API of mobile payment platforms (i.e. Stripe) and enables users to track transactions, manage payments, and ultimately take full control of their company anywhere in the world.
Many of us want the freedom to live and work simultaneously; Control is a tool that flourishes on this idea. Start your 14-day trial with Control today and see where it’ll take you.
By Elliot Chan, Opinions Editor
Formerly published in The Other Press. January 20, 2016
When China enforced the one-child policy in the late ’70s, few foresaw the gender imbalance that resulted from it. In Chinese culture, the male gender was preferred. The male gender had privileges. It is a sexist ideal that is slowly but surely fading, but it is not without consequences. The result is a high number of men without mates. This is more than a crisis of dudes not getting laid; it’s a problem of humanity. Humans are creatures that function naturally as couples, and with the disruption of nature, these men will live, grow old, and die single—unhealthily.
Today, we are on the precipice of making the same mistake in a number of ways. A recent report from The United Nations High Commissioner for Refugees cited that 58 per cent of refugees from the Middle East into Europe are men; 17 per cent are women. It has been considered dangerous for women to migrate alone. Oftentimes, they wait for a male counterpart, such as a husband, brother, or father, to arrive in the new country first and then send for them afterward. What we need to do now is better understand the process of migrating for women. What is the procedure of entry? What is being implemented in order to protect them? I’m sure there is little being done.
Closer to home, we are not without gender imbalance of our own. Many high-level occupations are still considered boys’ clubs, creating a classic glass ceiling. While it may seem like an easy barrier to break, it isn’t; it takes generations and it begins while women are young. Empowerment is not a phase. It’s not something someone grows into. It’s a way of living. When girls and boys are brought up to have aspirations of running a company and to value collaborating with the opposite sex instead of against them, we can be assured that those lessons will follow them even after they grow out of adolescence.
However, those same lessons are changing the conventional values of men and women. Women who aspire to start a company and be more selective with mates are less likely to get married young and are less likely to have children. But this is, again, more than a problem of dudes not getting laid.
While we may believe our population will be on a constant rise, that isn’t true. It is believed that the human population will plateau at around 9 billion—from there, whether it holds steady or decreases is up to the push of the next generation. But for so many years men have treated women as nothing but birthing mechanisms. I can only hope that the population will decrease for that case, so that that cultural ideal can die.
The one-child policy was not a bad idea. It was the culture that failed it. If China valued women the same as men, would such gender imbalance happen? In Europe and the Middle East, gender-imbalance for refugees didn’t happen because women were meek, but because the culture targeted women as sexual objects. In the western world, women weren’t CEOs because they weren’t smart and savvy; it was because they were told they had to raise a family. They don’t.
This cultural shift will mean that people on Earth, male or female, will have more resources. And those same men and women will be empowered to make the most of their existence. As people, we need to do more than multiply.
Beware of trigger-happy accusations
Elliot Chan 