Spelling and Grammar Apps Review

Grammarly, Hemingway Editor, Expresso, and After the Deadline

Some may think that using a grammar or spelling app as a writing tool is akin to using auto-tune as a singer. In a way, you’re bypassing important skills and disciplines of writing, such as having a good handle on the tools and structure of the written language.

Yet, in this day and age, to not use any given tool available would be a foolish move. It can be debated that what is important is the ideas being communicated, and if there is a way to ensure the communication doesn’t get disrupted by spelling and grammar mistakes, shouldn’t we take advantage?

Personally, I’m a proponent of spelling and grammar apps.

First off, writing is not editing. The task of an editor is a complete shift in the creation process. In a short timeline, it’s sometimes hard for a writer to make that transition. As a writer, you would want to have another set of eyes — even robot eyes — to have a look at your work before you share with your company. Additionally, writers who don’t use these apps still have access to them. It’s like walking instead of taking the bus. Yes, walking is healthier for you and you might save a few dollars, but the bus is still an option. You are by no means a hero.

With all that off my chest, I would like to share 4 free online spelling and grammar tool with you. And as a bonus, I will give a little review of them, showing off what they are capable of.

A Paragraph with A Lot of Writing Errors

In order for me to evaluate the apps, I needed a sample with as many types of errors I can think of. Inspired by the city I live in, I wrote the most heinous paragraph ever. Which, it may come as a surprise was actually pretty hard to do. Give it a try, try to purposely write a paragraph with some spelling and grammar mistakes.  

This is what I came up with:

They’re is a lot to see in Vancouver. Lets explore what there is to do. If your traveling hear on a sunny day, I recommend you go to stanley park. This park is bigger and better. It’s a beautiful place. The sea wall is enjoyed by runners and joggers every day. In the park, you can find a nice field to relax and bring a picnic to have with a friend or you can even go to the aquarium or take the horse-drawn carriage and tour the whole park. There is a much more to do in Vancouver. A historic neighbourhood, you can go to is Gastown. On a busy day there are to many tourist but if you go during off season you don’t have to worry about that people. However don’t wander aimlessly too far east or you might end up in Downtown Eastside. I insure you, that it is not where you want to be.

This is the best (and the worst) I can do apparently. Let me know what you think and if I have missed any other notable errors.

4 Spelling and Grammar Apps

Now that I have a sample, I’m going to start plugging it into the apps and websites to see what results I get.

PolishMyWriting.com (After the Deadline)

I pasted the paragraph into the text box and clicked “Check Writing” and a bunch of squiggly lines appeared beneath some of the words and phrases.

As you can see, PolishMyWriting.com missed a lot of spelling errors and the run on sentences, but picked up on complex phrases and words that could be omitted. Sort of…

Overall, this app is good for final touch ups after a more thorough edit. It missed a lot of mistakes and definitely won’t save you from embarrassment if you are relying solely on it to fix your first draft.

Hemingway App

The first notable insight that the Hemingway app provided is the readability score. As you can see, my horrible paragraph would be accessible to a third grade audience.

This app did a good job catching all the extraneous words and run-on sentences, but missed all the spelling errors. This app is definitely not a spell check and should not be relied on as such.

If you are writing content for a wide audience and want your ideas to be communicated as clearly as possible, then the Hemingway App is a great product to help you achieve that.

Grammarly

Of all the apps I’m reviewing today, Grammarly is perhaps the most popular. It’s worth mentioning that I am not looking at any of the paid versions, I am only reviewing the free version.

And here is how I feel about it:

Grammarly did a good job catching most of the spelling errors and punctuation mistakes, but was not helpful in catching passive voice, run-on sentences or vague descriptions.

If what you want from a spelling and grammar app is to double check your work as you move quickly through your draft, then Grammarly is a fantastic choice and has been one of my favourite tools.

Expresso App

The Expresso App is an interesting product because it is not designed to help you correct errors but help you understand certain trends that might be appearing in your writing.

This app has a lot of details and can be a little confusing to use especially if you are not too confident with spelling or grammar in the first place. I recommend clicking into each category individually and understanding why this word or phrase is highlighted. Not every highlight is a suggestion to change, it’s more or less just telling you why it’s noted for you to consider.

Paste some of your writing in and see if you can spot any notable and you get to decide how you want to use that information. Good luck.

There you have it, those are 4 free spelling and grammar apps that can assist you as you write. My personal favourite is Grammarly because they offer a Chrome Plugin. What’s yours?

Are there other apps or tools that you are using? I’d love to check it out. Please share.

For more tips on editing your writing, check out this YouTube playlist: Editing Your Epic Novel

Is Reading a Creative Process?

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When you sit down and read a book — a novel specifically — are you being creative? This is a question worth debating. On one hand, you aren’t really creating anything. There is nothing visible to show for it when you close the book and put it aside. On the other hand, the ideas you are getting from the book, the visuals you are weaving and constructing in your mind, are all intangible materials that you can be applied to your creations.

With that being said, is watching a television show being creative? Is listening to an album being creative? Is watching a hockey game being creative? Where does one draw the line between entertainment and creative research?

For me, the creative process is an intent-driven process. You are present with all that is happening. You aren’t simply walking through an art gallery, but you are stopping to admire each painting and sculpture along the way. You are processing it.

If a novel, a television show, or an album is being consumed with the same frame of mind as one simply moving through it as quickly as possible, as a means to an end, then it is not a creative act. However, if one pauses occasionally and consider why the writer, cinematographer, or artist chose to use this word, this lighting, or that note, then what is being done is perhaps the most important aspect of being a creator.

Yes, I consider reading a creative process, but not everyone does. Some will simply read for pleasure. A filmmaker will watch a movie and consider it a part of the creative process while a mere civilian will watch a movie as a means to escape.

There is this hallway and you get to walk through it at your own speed. That is how I see a piece of work. What you get out of that experience is up to you.

 

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How to Write a Page-turner like Game of Thrones and Goosebumps

Have you ever read a Goosebump book by R.L. Stine? Maybe when you were a kid? Remember how they were structured? At the end of every chapter, there is a cliffhanger. You know, to keep your young mind reading.

R.L. Stine was a master at doing this, however, as we got older, we became more suspect — you can only trick us so many times with a “sound coming from behind a door” page-turning trick, and have it turn out to be a cat or something else inconsequential.

Example:

Last line in Chapter 26: I suddenly felt a chill. A dark shadow slid over me. And I realized I wasn’t alone in the house.

 

First paragraphs of Chapter 27: I spun around with a gasp.

Was it Shockro? Some other scary creature?

A tall figure leaned over me. I squinted in the darkness, struggling to see his face.

“Dad?”  I cried as he came into focus. “Dad I’m so glad to see you.”

-Shocker on Shock Street – RL Stine

goosebumps

You can do better. Yes, better than RL Stine.

When you write your compelling story, you can structure it in much of the same way as a Goosebump book. A cliffhanger at the end of each chapter. However, not every cliffhanger should be life or death. There needs to be a variety. You need to balance it.

 

The 10-Episode Structure

The structure I want to share with you today is taken from modern day 10-episode-seasons-television series, such as Game of Thrones or Breaking Bad.

At the end of every one of these episodes, you get emotionally invested. You have to keep watching. It’s not even a question. However, the only reason that you are emotionally attached to the story is that each chapter or episode itself has a Freytag’s pyramid to build up the tension.

When it is done well and when you reach the end — call it a cliffhanger or call it a hook, either way — you are hanging on until the very end of the season (for an ultimate hook that gets you anticipating the next one).

So like a novel, a television season has a story arch. From episode 1 to episode 10, John Snow or Walter White goes through an inevitable and surprising change.

What’s interesting is the way each episode when pulled out of the rest, can be analyzed and found to have its own story arch.

So you have the season’s story arch, which spans all 10 episodes and looks something like this:

story archAnd, each episode within itself will have its own story arch. Like this.

story arch10So each episode should begin with an inciting incident, followed by a raising action, culminating in a climax, and then a denouement where you can hint at the next inciting incident, which is why we never return to the same level of drama as the beginning. Things have changed.

Take, season one of Game of Thrones. I use this example because this season is as close to the book as you will find in any adaptation.

There are two main stories happening:

A) Ned becoming the hand of the king

B) Dany becoming Khal Drogo’s wife.

 

Game of Thrones (Season One) Endings Breakdown

Episode one: We start off by introducing all the characters and what their objectives are. Robert Baratheon arrives and encourages Eddard to leaves Winterfell. And that is the main conflict in the episode, will Ned leave his life or not. We find out that he does, and the episode ends with Bran getting pushed out of the castle window by Jamie. That is an epic cliffhanger.

Each episode after that offers a little more details and increases the stakes. Each ending with another cliffhanger.

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Episode 2 ends with Bran waking up (oh no, is he going to reveal who pushed him?)

Episode 3 ends a shot of Ned watching Arya train, the sounds of real blades clashing, echoing in his head. (uh oh, he’s getting worried… what’s going to happen to him)

Episode 4 ends with Catelyn Stark arresting Tyrion Lannister in a tavern, accusing him of being the one who hired the assassin to kill Bran, concealing the Lannister’s secret. (this is surely a mistake, but is it?)

Episode 5 ends with a battle between Ned and Jamie out on the streets, Jamie has discovered that his brother has been captured. Ned ends up being stabbed in the knee.

Episode 6 ends with the B story about Daenerys in Essos. Remember what I said about building cliffhangers with variety. This is what’s happening, now it follows another character. The Dorathkis give her brother a golden crown, pouring gold on his head, thus freeing her from Viserys. And so the plot thickens on that end.

crown

Episode 7 ends with Joffrey claiming the throne after his father’s death and Ned accusing Joffrey of not being the rightful heir. Thus watches his men get slaughtered and Ned arrested for treason. (at this point, we still think Ned is the good guy and he can surely get out of this mess).

Episode 8 ends with Sansa begging mercy for her father to Joffrey. And Joffrey seems reasonable, offering that all Ned will have to do is confess his crime. (oh good, surely Ned will come to his senses)

Episode 9 ends with Ned having his head chopped off. (this is probably the most intense cliffhanger in the history of television.)

Episode 10 ends with Daenerys’ dragons hatching in the fire of Khal Drogo’s pyre.

dragon

End of season 1.

In the end, the story we set out to understand is made clear. We find out about Ned Stark’s journey as the hand of the king and we find out Daenerys experience as Khal Drogo’s wife, a Khaleesi. But as two stories are resolved, many more are revealed.

 

Exercise

Once you have the first draft of your story, you can start breaking it apart like a television series. Finding the micro story arch within the macro story. Once you have that you can create little cliffhangers at the end of each chapter or part, increasing the stakes each time.

Give this exercise a try and let me know how it turns out in the comments.

If you found this article helpful, please consider signing up for my mailing list. You won’t receive emails from me often, but when you do, it’ll include only work that I’m most proud of.

Why You Should Write More Than You Need

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I come from an acting background and the dogma that I had entering any audition was to give more the first time.

What do I mean when I say “give more”? I mean overdoing it a little, hamming it up, being more emotional, more passionate, more vocal than what the script calls for. I put it all on the plate — like at an all-you-can-eat buffet during the last call — and then letting some spill off. I do this because it is easier for the directors, producers, and fellow actors to tell me to dial it back as opposed to adding more after.

If I come into the scene with subtleties and that is not what the director wants, then it is more challenging for me to increase the levels or expand the emotions, especially on the spot. It’s always easier to cut or reduce than to fill or to add, especially on the spot. Always give more the first time.

Of course, this theory can be applied to many aspects of life and other professions. As a writer, I will give my editors more. If they ask for 500 words, I’ll give 600. From there, they can trim. You can’t style hair that isn’t there, and you can cut what is not written.

For more tips on editing your writing, check out this YouTube playlist: Editing Your Epic Novel

Why You Should Be a Polygamous Reader

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There is no time to read.

Correction: there is no time to read literature, poetry, and other creative writing.

Work and school life don’t present a lot of opportunities to explore new literature. But in order to achieve imaginative growth and find new perspectives, we need to read more than instructional documents and textbooks. How though? How can we incorporate stories into our lives after an exhausting day of reading everything else?

A Book is a Relationship

Reading while commuting, in waiting rooms, or even during television commercials are fantastic ways to make use of potentially wasted time. And as Bruce Lee says:

“If you love life, don’t waste time, for time is what makes up life.”

So, if you love life and you want more lives to live, you got to read!

Carry a book with you wherever you go. That’s an order. Sure it might take up space in your backpack or purse, but when the opportunity arises, you’ll be glad you have it.

When Kindle and other e-readers first appeared on the market I was a bit skeptical because I loved the feel of pages between my fingers. However, I’ve learned to appreciate having a library in the palm of my hands. The technology also allowed me to “cheat.”

I’m an advocate of reading more than one book at a time. Many people aren’t, but to them I say, life is too short, I’m going to be a polygamous reader.

If you can enjoy two or more television series, you can read two or more books. I don’t follow any rules; I read what I want for however long I want. The key is to always have at least one book you are passionate about. If not, keep searching.

Because No One Book Can Fulfill All Your Needs

Having different books on the go allows you to read different genres, formats, and authors through a period of time — days, weeks, months, years. Our attention span has shrunk because of mass media, but that doesn’t mean we can’t counter it. It’s an all-you-can-eat buffet; don’t fill up on the salad.

Audiobooks have also found a place in my life. Sometimes music exhausts me and all I want is something to keep my mind off the monotony. While driving my car or going for a run, audiobooks are a fantastic companion. Hours fly by even if I’m cleaning the house or preparing food, having an audiobook playing in the background makes me feel twice as productive, which is an awesome feeling.

Make Every Page Count

Make a timeline for the books you read. Create goals and set milestones. Track the novels you’ve finished and even keep a record of the ones you’ve abandoned. Make a game out of it. Forty percent of Americans admitted to not having read a book last year. Perhaps they didn’t have the time or perhaps they didn’t feel like there was a reason. But it’s about personal growth. Like fitness, books train your brain and give you strength where dumbbells and squats don’t.

Looking for some books to read? Follow me on my journey as I read a book in every sub-genre of every genre

How to Get a Job as A Content Writer

 

Becoming a content writer has not only helped me pay the bills as a young writer, but also introduced me to many fascinating and talented people, allowed me to contribute on some exciting, thought-provoking (and at times, very challenging) projects, and empowered me to develop skills in a craft that I enjoy.

Whether you are thinking of pursuing a path in professional writing or are looking for a stepping stone towards becoming a marketer, becoming a content writer is a journey that leads through many terrains.

In this article, I will highlight some notable steps that I took led me to where I am now. It’s hard to say which steps will take you the farthest, but if you put in the work and take the opportunities that come along, you never know where you would end up.

 

Go to school

This seems like a dumb tip, but hear me out. I’m not saying that you should go to school to get a degree and be in debt. I’m saying that you should go to school so you can meet likeminded people, practice your craft in a safe environment, share your work with industry professionals, and participate in councils, event planning organizations, and clubs that are in need of your specific skill set.

It was at Douglas College where I worked at the student newspaper, the Other Press. It was there, as a staff writer, where I had to turn in work every week that I learned to hone my craft and start thinking of myself as a professional. I made a lot of mistakes there, but luckily, there were safety nets and supports for me to do so.

For that very reason, I would encourage you to start your content writing journey by attending a few courses and getting involved with the student body.

 

Start your own blog

The fact that you are reading this means that it worked… somewhat. Starting your own blog, to me, is the most important step in becoming a writer in the modern world. There are still many print publications that are seeking writers, but many organizations that require content and copy are online or in digital formats.

Author and serial entrepreneur, James Altucher often speaks about choosing yourself. In the beginning, you are going to face a lot of rejections, especially as you try to get your work published on “legitimate” and “credible” sites with high traffic numbers. That is going to take work, but until then, it is critical that you stay positive, keep active, and choose yourself.

A blog is in your control. It doesn’t matter if you aren’t sharing the content and nobody is reading it. What matters is that you have a place to start practicing, getting into the habit of publishing regular content, and developing a portfolio.

When an employer does come knocking at your door and asks if you have any samples, you can easily pull out a few links on your blog and share it.

If you detest the idea of starting your own website for some reason, you can start writing on a platform such as Medium.

 

Outreach to other content writers 

This step is going to take a bit of courage and may come across as spammy if you do it without tact. The main goal of this step is to put yourself out in the world, claim that this is what you want to do, and get on the radar of those that are currently doing it.

Content writers are not celebrities… well, some are, but most aren’t. And if you reach out to them with a genuine interest in their work and process, they will happily respond to you. This is a great way to stay active on your path to getting the job you want.

Research companies that you are interested in. Find blog posts, land pages, email copy, etc. that you enjoy. Find out who wrote it. A few clicks should reveal the answer, if not, contacting the support@email.com of the business never hurts.

You can also use a tool called hunter.io to discover email contacts of different businesses. The way I did it was through LinkedIn. Say what you will about LinkedIn, but some of my earliest opportunities came from that platform.

 

Pitch to online media or business blogs

This is where it starts getting real. At the start, you want to start developing a portfolio with some notable publications that have published your work. These can be online media outlets or a blog from a business in an industry you are interested in.

Yes, you can certainly continue writing cover letters and sending in your resume, but if that is all you are doing, you are not developing, you are not improving. Don’t wait until you get hired to start working. Have a freelancer mindset right away, because simply put, you should never allow yourself to get too comfortable. Even when you get that sweet salary job as a content writer, there is still a lot of room to grow. It’s important to have that mindset at the start and commit to the hustle.

Start by creating a list of places you want to contribute. Read the publications and start typing in your own ideas. Do a quick search with the publication name with keywords from your idea in Google just to confirm that it hasn’t been written about yet. Then start writing your pitch. Pretend like you are on their payroll and you need to come up with 5 ideas every month or if you are wild, every week.

If your ideas and writing are good, then they’d be stupid not to hire you or at least give you a good reference as you continue your job hunt.

 

Meet with other creatives

Why would you care what designers, photographers, entrepreneurs, filmmakers, painters, and anyone else is doing? Well, they probably need a writer in their life and they don’t even know it yet.

This world is interconnected and all creatives are linked together. Often designers are desperate to find a writer to help them fill out a website or a poster. Where do they go? They can go onto Fiver, sure, or solicit their network and see who they find. You need to be in the network.

Plus other creatives are usually cool people that you yourself can draw a lot of inspiration from.

 

Profile new companies

This last method is near and dear to my heart because it is the one that landed me my first salary job. I don’t know if it will work for you, but if I got something out of it, surely you can replicate it.

New companies want attention. It doesn’t matter what industry they are in, they are desperate to get the word out. They need writers. They need you to help tell their stories. When new companies send out press releases, respond to them. Get an interview with the CEO and learn about the mission.

Every company has a problem they are aiming to solve with a unique selling point. Show them that you understand what they are trying to accomplish and then write a piece about them and share it wherever you can if you can’t get it published on a local publication… which I’m pretty sure you can if you tried.

This is your foot in the door. Here is where a profile can turn into an internship, into a contracting job, and into a full-time position.

For fun, here is the post that started it all for me.

 

Content writing is not a glamorous job. It’s a job for those who are hungry to learn, enjoy the act of constantly creating, and evaluating the performance of their work in the world. It’s for those who are always seeking to grow.

Good luck on your path. I’m confident that you can make it. If you are seeking any advice, please do hesitate to leave a message in the comments.

 

Why I Love Sad Movies

Sad movies, like horror movies, can ruin someone’s day or cause sleepless nights. I understand that. I have a theory for why that happens. In order to do that, I must tell you about why I enjoy sad movies. I even feel that sad movies are my favourite kind, yet like eating smelly delicious fish, I cannot always enjoy it with other people.

We watch movies to escape, to bring ourselves to a world we don’t currently occupy. A good movie can change our mood and give us a jolt of empathy — reminding us of the values of life.

I have a natural emotion. This emotion is where I am the most comfortable. It’s my resting emotion. And like a resting bitch face, it’s not the best emotion, not because it’s bad but because there is no such thing as the best emotion.

It’s the default — and that emotion is anger. I’m a naturally angry person. I cannot help it. It’s simply my natural state. It’s the emotion I turn to most naturally.  

When I choose a movie to watch, sometimes I want to fuel that anger with a hard-hitting documentary about social injustice or animal cruelty. However, more often, I want the movie to take me to another realm, an emotion I seldom feel.

I’m not a psychologist, but with a bit of self-evaluating, I feel that this is my emotional exposure. Please see here, the emotion triangle of my life.

Emotional triangle

The circle represents me and my natural state of anger. It’s just the way I am… kind of angry. However, the next most common emotion that I feel is happiness. It’s not too hard to get me to feel happy. I almost sway between anger and happiness most days. Head off to get a beer: happy. Wait in line longer than I want: anger. You can relate, I’m sure. These two emotions yin and yang with each other all day long, allowing me to acknowledge the state of the world and my gratitude within it.

Fear is not an uncommon feeling, but it’s not as prevalent, which I am thankful for. Being fearful all the time would be exhausting. However, if I want to feel sad… that is a bit of an uphill battle for me in day-to-day life. It’s most certainly an emotion I put on the top shelf, sometimes forgotten about.

A sad movie allows me to get to that place I am privileged enough to not have to visit on an hour-to-hour basis.

There is this idea that happiness is a good emotion, while all the other ones are bad emotions. But there is no such thing as good or bad emotions. People need to feel the whole spectrum to continue being healthy people.

That is why I watch sad movies. That is why I genuinely enjoy sad movies. That is why as a creator, I need to understand which emotion I want to trigger. What is the ideal audience feeling when they walk in and how the can satisfy their emotional needs? It’s an intimate proposition, but that is what good content can do. It can take you to a place you seldom go to.

Try this exercise. Plot your emotions into the circle/triangle diagram, and ask these questions:

  • Which emotion do you think is your natural state?
  • Which emotion do you think you can evoke easily?
  • Finally, which emotion have you put on your top shelf?

In order to prepare yourself for that feeling, so that it doesn’t feel unfamiliar and you get out of practice in how you should respond to it, watch a movie that will bring you there… enjoy it. Feel the feels.
If you enjoyed this article, please check out this one about 3 heartbreaking novels that you should read: Investing in Friends: Three Heartbreaking Books About Loyalty

The Perfect Crime

There’s this old bicycle sitting out on my balcony. Yesterday, I Googled “How to recycle old bikes?” Some results recommended I donate it to a local charity and other offered phone numbers for removal. What a hassle! I don’t have time for that. I want to get rid of this bike now.

Then it came to me, what if I just leave it by my condo’s recycling containers. Surely they’ll know what to do with it.

In stealth mode, I walked the bike out of my apartment, down four flights of stairs and into the garbage area, shoulder checking occasionally to ensure nobody saw. Bikes are not approved waste items, after all.

I fled back upstairs, my nerves shaking. Moments passed. My conscience was relentless.

Unable to relax, I returned to the scene of the crime. Maybe I’ll call the phone number to have someone pick it up and avoid the stress.

To my surprise, the bike was no longer there. It’s only fifteen minutes ago. And then I remembered, an unlocked bike is as good as a wallet full of cash. I brushed off the dust from my hands in a job-well-done fashion and said to myself, “the perfect crime.”

 

For more of my comedic writing, please check out my Humour Section

5 Tips for Writing Flashbacks

Writing flashbacks is a lot of fun when drafting up a new story. You get to discover aspects of a character that you wouldn’t if you are following them in a chronological storyline.

Flashbacks are a great way to understand what emotional or physical experiences someone in your story had gone through in the past to make them who they are in the present-day story. However, a simple flashback can also open up a black hole sucking you into another plot that you were not expecting.

Telling the history of a character may involve a new setting, a new cast of characters, and a whole new objective and storyline. Whenever you jump backward in a story, follow these five times, to ensure that you are staying focused on what you want to tell, and not a completely different one that just so happened to involve the same character. Nevertheless, sometimes if the pen is flowing, get it all down on paper.

Here are 5 tips to writing a flashback that gives your reader the information they need without losing track of the storyline:

  1. Know what is leading to the flashback: is it a memory of an item? Is it a conversation with an old friend?
  2. Know the duration of your flashback: is it going to linger on one event? Or will it extend further?
  3. Know what relevant details to have in the flashback: was the scenery different, were there different music, how have things changed or not changed? Why does the audience need to know this?
  4. Know why flashback isn’t a part of the main story.
  5. Know if your story can live without the flashback. After you finish writing your first draft, remove the flashback and see how it reads.

A flashback is something that can be fodder for another tale… so don’t resist it. Recognize it.

Want more writing tips and inspirations? Follow my writing journey on YouTube! 

VIP, The “I” Stands For “I” as in Me

Yeah, they pretty much let me in anywhere, any time I want. I know people. I can move furniture around. This is pretty much my second living room. If I ask, they’ll give me table service right now. But we ain’t staying long, we got other shizz to do tonight so I won’t order it. Next time, baby, next time.

Oh, yeah, I still have to pay. It is a business after all. Even in my living room, I have to pay for all them bottles of Grey Gooses. Grey Geese?

It doesn’t matter who you are these days, you still have to pay for stuff one way or another. Money or favor, that’s what they say. It’s basic economics, don’t make me mansplain it to you. I hate doing that. You know I hate doing that.

waynes world

No, I’m still a very important person, but I don’t abuse my power, that’s the thing about me and other important people I respect. I’m humble. I’m a VHP, a Very Humble Person. If only they treated humble people like they do for important people… the world will be a better place, I’ll tell you that much.

Ha! No way, I’m not Buddhist. I mean, I can be if I wanted to. There’s no license I have to get to become Buddhist, right? No? Well, I guess I’m Buddhist now. Bam! Just like that, I have a whole new identity. I like that religion is like that. It’s like being a sports fan, or a fan of politics… mindlessly idolizing an organization.

It’s surprising that I’m allowed to simply claim that I belong to a religion without having to partake in any sort of certification. So many things are bureaucratic these days, it’s like OMG kill me with a dynamite already. Do I have to wait in this line to be baptized or this line? Do I fill out this form or this form? Kafka would be rolling… 

But being a part of a religion doesn’t make you special or important, does it? I wish it did. I guess at least being Buddhist doesn’t make you important. Unless you are the Dalai Lama. I guess he’s pretty important. Probably the most important one. I guess all religions have their representative, huh? Like a Pope guy.

Either way, I’m going to stop talking about that before I’ll say something I shouldn’t have.

Should I order the most expensive bottle of liquor in this establishment? Did you know ordering the most high-end liquor is the best deal?

You see, the cheap stuff are usually what the business makes the money from, so it is marked up the most. A glass of beer for 8 dollars, are you shitting me? A glass of this piss is worth a dollar tops. Whereas, I can get a shot of Macallan aged in an oak sherry-seasoned cast for 18 years for 30 dollars? Do you even know how much a bottle of that stuff is worth? That shit took 18 years to make! That’s like the age of my son when I no longer need to take care of him anymore.

No, let me dwell on this a bit more. The time it took to raise a child into adulthood, this whiskey had been sitting in a barrel. Waiting for me. That’s special. Almost as special as having a child, one can argue.

Time flies.

So, should I call the server over… or what? Do you want some food? No, they don’t serve food here, but we can absolutely hit up that McDonald’s next door.

See, that’s what I like about freedom. It’s the fact that even if I’m a Super Important Person. A SIP. I can still do things regular people can do as well. That’s equality. The fact that I can walk into a McDonald’s and order a… you guessed it… a Big Mac, and then eat it in the restaurant and not feel overdressed is a privilege. A privilege of freedom. Freedom well earned.

This is what we fought for. Our enemies from other countries wanted to take that away from us. If they ever try again, I’ll be there. I’ll be there to show them what’s what.

Actually, I think McDonald’s are in most countries, right? It’s kind of an international mega company, a global icon, isn’t it? Hopefully, the downfall of America won’t affect the success of McDonald’s. It’ll probably help, in fact. I’ve seen how long those burgers last without decomposing. That’ll feed so many American refugees. I have hope. Either way, we are good. I don’t have to fight at all. It seems we’ll have freedom regardless.

Oh, prove me wrong if you don’t think what I think is correct. You can’t. That’s the funny thing. You can’t prove me wrong. You are hypothesizing the same way I am. Educatedly. I know things. I’m a smart guy. I’m also humble. I’m also pretty important. And I’m a person, damn it! And I want to be treated like one. I’m not some simple boy you boss around, who you make buy expensive liquor and take you to all the fancy McDonald’s. I’m not like that. I have no presumptions. I’m living life and you should be too. It doesn’t matter if you don’t share the same qualities as me. I think you are important as well. Remember I told you that. I want you to think about it when I’m not around so you won’t get sad, okay?

Cool. That really gives me peace of mind. I hate it when other people feel bad because of me and my importance. I’m a Very Sensitive Person.

 

What you’ve just read is the seventh post in a series entitled “A Fan Fiction of My Life by My Number One Fan, Me.” Please check out the first seven posts from the series:
Me, A Doctor
I Am A Controversial Artist, AMA
A Well-Respected Elderly Man, It’s Me
Bringer of Bad News, I’m the One
Yes, I Am Blind with a Broken Heart 
I Drive a $160 Million Ride
This is My First Time in Space