Formerly published in The Other Press. Feb. 5 2013
From Elliot Chan, Heartbreaker
Breakup Letter #3
Okay, I’ll try to make this short—just the way you like it. We are breaking up. So please don’t leave your Skype on anymore for me to watch you sleep. The sound of you snoring no longer soothes me—and yes, you do snore. You wouldn’t know that because you’re asleep! You snore and fart too! Argh! I’m so glad I don’t have to have those arguments anymore. And last week when I wore a new sweater and I asked you how I looked and you know what? You said that I looked good. God, I hate you! That is not what I wanted to hear. You didn’t even notice my new sweater. It was like you don’t even care that I looked good. It was a really nice sweater, you asshole! And FYI, my mother didn’t like you even though she was nice to you when you were over. She does that to all the boys I bring over. And out of all of them, she liked you the least. Please return all the things I brought to your house and left there as a means of making sure you were mine.
Have a good life—Not,
Disillusioned teenage girl
Breakup Letter #26
For my Platonic Love,
It was a mistake falling for you—a grave mistake and now we are both in danger. I have not been completely honest with you or completely faithful. It shames me to tell you this, but I am in love with another. Don’t be cross, for he is a sweet boy that treats me nice, although he does have flaws. You see, he is a fallen angel-vampire-zombie…I know, I know… it has been done, but that is not the point. The thing is that he knows about you and me. He said he’d fight for me, for he is ever so noble. However I chastised him for being so stern, for you are a mere mortal who doesn’t eat the flesh of the living after judging them Yes, I have seen you without your shirt on and I know that you are reasonably fit. I’m certain you’d put up quite a harrowing fight, but still I care for you and never want to see you hurt, especially for me. So go on, leave me to die in his arms forever.
Disenchanted fable chick
Breakup Letter #33
To Client #1664,
Dear valued customer, on January 22, 2012, you signed up for an account on DatingLive.org in hopes of meeting compatible people and developing lasting relationships. We at DatingLive use a complex system through extensive research along with our secretary’s assumptions to find the perfect match. Over the past year we have set you up with numerous women. After each date, you have left comments showing your satisfaction, but still you remain single and a proud client of DatingLive. We are convinced that our secretary was right about you and have matched you with one perfect partner after the other. We regret to inform you that we must terminate your account on the fact that you, in our secretary’s words, have “no game.” You are playing with us and we don’t like being played with. Each and every girl on DatingLive is like a sister to us. So if you hurt or toy with any of them, we’ll find you and fuck yo’ ass up.
We apologize for any inconvenience,
Disengaging automated response unit 7421 of the DatingLive Organization