Mr. Plow or Flaming Moe’s: Which is the Better Episode of The Simpsons?

There are two episodes of The Simpsons that stand out in my mind. These two episodes aren’t the bests but definitely make my top 20 list. I’m talking about Flaming Moe’s (season 3 episode 10) and Mr. Plow (season 4 episode 9). 

These two episodes had a lot in common, mainly they shared the theme of “stolen credit”. In both episodes, Homer encounters good ideas — or rather, stumbled upon happy accidents — only to have the success taken from him by a close friend. In Flaming Moe’s, it’s Moe, and in Mr. Plow, it’s Barney. 

While both episodes are pretty similar, one must stand above the other. Subjectively, one must be better. In this video, I share my thought process in making this very important, very valid judgment. 

But before I get into it, tell me, which one did you enjoy more? Which do you feel is the better episode? Feel free to let me know your reasons in the comments. I love to hear why! 

I also must say that these opinions are just that — opinions. They’re both awesome episodes, or terrible episodes, or whatever you want to believe. There is no wrong answer. Okay? Now that I’m done appeasing you, on with the video. 

The Opening: 

Both episodes begin in the same way, with Homer watching TV. This is one of my favorite opening structures because it always lends itself to ridiculous jokes with no setup or context.  

In Flaming Moe’s, Homer is watching at home while Lisa is having a slumber party upstairs. On the TV, it’s Eye on Springfield with Kent Brockman, previewing the episode, which includes the Silver anniversary of the Springfield Tire Yard Fire, Springfield’s oldest man meets Springfield’s fattest man (who isn’t so fat), an interview with Drederick Tatum, and part seven of the eye-opening look on the bikini. 

Whereas, in Mr. Plow, the kids are watching Troy Maclure in Carnival of the Stars. In this segment, we see Angela Landsbury walking on hot coals and Krusty getting mauled by three white tigers. Shortly after, the kids switched to the Bumblebee Man Show.  

Hilarious, but no context. 

When it comes to the opening scene, I have to give it to Flaming Moe’s. It was an overall funnier segment of Springfield television.

Flaming Moe’s: 1

Mr. Plow: 0

The First Act: 

In Flaming Moe’s, Homer decides he has enough of his children and heads off to Moe’s. However, the tavern is a failing business, and Moe is all out of beer. In a sober panic, Homer recalls a drink he made on a boring night watching his sisters-in-laws’ vacation slides. Blending random household liquids, Homer made a pretty good drink. But when Selma’s cigarette ashes fell into his glass and set it on fire, balancing out the alcohol content, it got even better! 

He shares the recipe with Moe, and the bartender recreates the drink. It’s as good as he last remembered — after it’s set on fire, of course. In order to please another customer, Moe slides over Homer’s concoction, and the customer loves it too! But just when Homer is about to tell the random what the drink is called, Moe cuts in and steals his credit. A shocking moment for viewers. 

In Mr. Plow, Moe’s Tavern is also the setting of the inciting incident, proving that bad stuff happens when you go to Moe’s. Amid a snow storm, Homer attempts to drive home and ends up smashing his car into Marge’s, a hilarious turn of events that nobody expected on first viewing and remains funny still. Suddenly, the Simpsons totaled both of their vehicles. 

The first act ends with Homer attending the Springfield Auto Show, where he eventually gets pressured into buying a snowplow over some sexist gesture from the salesman. So Homer! 

In terms of story structure, Mr. Plow has a more straightforward first act. Very effective, clear, and packed with a lot of jokes. The most notable one is when Homer’s thinking on his feet, coming up with another location that would have him returning home in the middle of the night. And don’t forget about all the antics at the auto show, especially with the one true Batman, Adam West. This opening act is hard to beat.

However, Flaming Moe’s is a quintessential Simpsons first act, because, for the first four minutes, you think the episode will go in one direction, but then it takes a turn into another. A classic Simpsons opening. 

I’ve seen this episode a hundred times, and I still love the twists and turns it has — especially the betrayal right before the first commercial break. Was Moe seriously going to take his credit? Was Homer going to sit there and allow it? 

Beyond the Homer-making-the-drink flashback being one of the most iconic moments in The Simpsons, it also explores Moe’s character in a way that made him human — despicable — but human still. Moe is one of my favorite characters, and I think this episode is a big reason why.  He’s more than just a catchphrase. He’s dark. 

While both these episodes effectively created drama in the inciting incident, it’s Flaming Moe’s that takes the two-nothing lead over Mr. Plow. 

Flaming Moe’s: 2

Mr. Plow: 0

The Slight:

Next, let’s look at the severity of the slight against Homer. Which stolen credit is actually worse? Which is more realistic? 

While the name Flaming Moe’s can be trademarked, the recipe can’t. I’m not a lawyer, but I believe if Homer wants to compete in the market, he can. He didn’t sign any contracts. He just can’t call it Flaming Moe’s, and likely can’t call it Flaming Homer’s either. 

Homer could still beat Moe to the national market and sell the recipe to major manufacturers first. Legally there was nothing stopping him. But he didn’t. Perhaps even while bitter, he exemplified goodness. Or more likely he was too stupid to realize that that was possible. 

When you think about it, the slight had nothing to do with the drink or Moe’s fame. It was about the betrayal between friends. Had some other person stolen Homer’s idea, he might not have been so angry that he hallucinated that person’s face in flowers. No, it wasn’t that Moe stole the drink’s name. It was that he didn’t even ask for it or apologize. 

While the conflict in Mr. Plow is similar, the episode’s structure is quite different. Homer spends the first half of Act 2 growing his snow plow business by using strange marketing tactics, including hijacking a church sermon, planting windshield wiper flyers, and producing a 3 am commercial.  

Homer is struggling, hustling, and still, he’s barely successful. 

To best understand the slight, one must ask how Barney acquired the plow. From Marge’s reaction, we know that plows aren’t cheap. How did a deadbeat like Barney buy one? When you think about it, unless Barney inherited the plow, he’d made the same risk as Homer. And, in a way, should be commended. 

It’s true that plows are most common during the snowy seasons, but many with plow trucks also find work during the summer in construction or for the public. There is work out there for people with equipment. Homer just needed some business acumen to see beyond the obvious clients. 

Much like Moe, Barney took his idea right from under him and sold it better than he could. While the slight is real, it is never about the originality or lucrativeness of the business plan but rather the way it was taken. If, at any point, they partnered up, they could’ve built a sustainable business. 

There were flaws in both of these slights, which were exaggerated for the purpose of comedy. But I cannot ignore Homer’s hustle to grow his business in Mr. Plow and all the belief and effort he put in, despite being a mediocre plowman. That’s why, for the category of slight, I’m giving the point to Mr. Plow. 

Flaming Moe’s: 2

Mr. Plow: 1

The Villian’s Intent: 

Now let’s look at the antagonists: Moe and Barney. Which one is the more convincing and despicable villain? 

The thing is, both were at a low point when they betrayed Homer. Moe’s Tavern had completely run out of beer, while the only work Barney could find was as a giant baby handing out flyers. 

Where they confronted their devils was at the high point. Moe, blinded by fame, fortune, and Aerosmith, ignores Homer when he tries to tell him how he felt and that Moe had lost not only a customer but a friend. Greed and pride had turned Moe into a monster. 

Only when Moe was at risk of losing a beautiful woman did he reconsider his stance on giving Homer a portion of the sale, a conversation that perhaps didn’t need an ultimatum. 

Barney’s darkest moment was during a Plow King commercial when he bashes the Homer cardboard cutout. That’s when we see Barney guided by wrath. Even though he was once a dear friend, Barney wanted to destroy Homer and eliminate him as a competition. 

Fun fact: In the original script, it was Lenny who was supposed to betray Homer and become his plow business rival. It was a smart choice to replace him with Barney because can you really see Lenny doing such an evil act? 

So, comparing Moe with Barney, who is the greater villain? When we look at it from Homer’s perspective, Barney is far worse. Not only does Barney steal his idea, but he also takes all the achievements away from Homer —the clients and the key to the city, which is not made of chocolate — and shames him publically. Barney is far more ruthless. With that, I’ll give the point to Mr. Plow.

Flaming Moe’s: 2

Mr. Plow: 2 

Celebrity Cameos and Musical Numbers:

What makes these classic Simpsons episodes great is the seamless incorporation of celebrity cameos and musical numbers. These two episodes have some really good ones. 

In Flaming Moe’s, Aerosmith makes their cameo as a bunch of guys sitting at the bar and then pressured to perform on a stage that was already perfectly set up. Maybe it’s a little contrived, but what better way to show the height of a venue’s popularity during the 90s than having Aerosmith play Walk This Way? 

What really impressed me was the Cheers theme song parody. I love the old-timey crosshatching style and the way it transitioned right into the studio audience sitcom. The Woody Harrelson character greeting Barney as he entered and the laugh track in the background all flowed together so well. 

Not to be outdone, in Mr. Plow, Adam West gives one of the most memorable celebrity cameos ever. When Bart doesn’t know who Robin is, West goes off on a tangent at the Auto Show, with the camera shifting to a dutch angle, a call back to the old Batman episodes. It was such a clever way to incorporate a guest into the storyline. Using Adam West and the iconic Batmobile in an episode about awkward vehicles is just brilliant. 

Another cameo — this one went over my head because I’m not a country music fan — was Linda Ronstadt. All I know was that she was engaged to George Lucas. While I don’t know any of her original music, I still laugh every time I hear, “Mr. Plow is a loser and I think he is a boozer…” 

Both these episodes have knock-out cameos and musical numbers, but I have to give it to Flaming Moe’s. The Cheers parody, the way the visual and audio all work together, is the element that tips it over for me. 

Flaming Moe’s: 3

Mr. Plow: 2

The Roles of the Family: 

Both these episodes focus on Homer, but the Simpsons family is essential in supporting him. 

In Flaming Moe’s, Bart is such a great character. First, he’s the victim of his sister’s abuse, which is a role reversal. Then Bart acts as his dad’s advocate by sharing his achievement in a show and tell. Later he flips and gets a Flaming Moe’s fan t-shirt. And finally, his phone call prank backfires on him. This is a refreshing episode for Bart, as he shares his father’s plight, making Homer more sympathetic.

Marge’s supportive bedroom scene is one of the most iconic compositions in The Simpsons. It’s so simple, yet so theatrical. And her muted expression only makes it better.

In Mr. Plow, the family is a support system for Homer. The first commercial, an homage to the late-night cable, is one of the funniest scenes in the entire episode. 

The relationship between Homer and Marge is an inspiration for all married couples. First, Homer recognizes that he should talk to his wife before purchasing the plow, however, ends up being manipulated anyways. Then when she confronts him, Homer accepts that it was a stupid decision and that if she were to keep getting angry at him, he would just have to stop doing stupid things. Very understanding. Finally, it’s perhaps Marge’s attraction for Homer and his Mr. Plow uniform that we remember best. 

There is so much to love in both these episodes involving the family, but the commercial in Mr. Plow, where all the family members are incorporated, even Grandpa as Old Man Winter, is what wins it over for me. I love that sequence, especially Bart questioning Homer about being “bond and licensed”. For that, I give the family involvement point to Mr. Plow, which ties it up at 3. 

Flaming Moe’s: 3

Mr. Plow: 3

The Conclusion: 

Now to break the tie, let’s return to the plot and talk about how Homer responds to the injustice and the episode’s conclusion.

In Flaming Moe’s, Homer responded well at first. He was reasonable in expressing how he felt to his friend, but when Moe consistently ignored him, jealousy and frustration started to boil over. Even when Marge attempted to calm him, it only sent him deeper into a mental breakdown. 

Once he spiraled out, Homer revealed the secret ingredient in front of everyone at the bar. If he was more sensible, he could’ve sold the recipe to Tipsy McStagger’s Good Time Drinking and Eating Emporium. Giving it for free in the way he did was a foolish move. And this reminds us that Homer doesn’t deserve fame and fortune either. 

In Mr. Plow, Homer nearly commits murder by misleading Barney out to Widow’s Peak where he gets caught in an avalanche. Luckily, he redeems himself by going out there and rescuing him. After stealing some of his business, of course. 

In both scenarios, Homer didn’t respond in the most moralistic way. He exhibited the if-I-can’t-have-it-then-they-couldn’t-have-it-either mentality. Still, both episodes return to neutral grounds, and he makes amends.

So which episode gets the point? For me, it’s not just about how Homer responds, but how his friend reacts in turn. The episode that ties it up the best, wrapping up the “stolen credit” theme in the most satisfying way is Flaming Moe’s. 

The last scene, where Moe offers Homer the drink with its original name, still melts my heart. And I believe that shows growth in the character that was missing from Mr. Plow. For that, the winner of this comparison goes to Flaming Moe’s. 

Flaming Moes: 4

Mr. Plow: 3

There you have it! Congratulations Flaming Moe’s. What an honor. 

Now there are many ways to measure and compare an episode. I chose to examine both through the lens of the theme and the story structure. If you disagree with this assessment or if you have an aspect that I missed in this article, please let me know in the comments. 

Check out these other articles about The Simpsons here:

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What It’s Like to Be a Writer

Whether you do it for fun or as a job, writing can be lonely. When I’m writing, I sometimes feels like I’m emotionally trapped on a deserted island. I don’t mind that. I’ve found comfort in being alone. It is only when I look up from my work that I realize I’m not alone at all. Not even close. The world is full of writers… musicians, filmmakers, video game makers, ANIMATORS, and a million other people trying to get the attention of an audience.

It is a dark and beautiful time to be a writer… and that’s why sometimes it’s nice to take a break and let my animation tell the story.

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I Finished Reading Infinite Jest Party (an animated short)

At the start of the pandemic, I decided to buy some long books (600+ pages) to read. The thinking was that by the time I finish, the pandemic will be over. Well, I completed Infinite Jest by David Foster Wallace (Amazon) this summer and the pandemic is still going strong. In fact, during the summer the virus got a second wind with all those variants spreading, so bring out Tolstoy, there is more time left. 

Still, that didn’t diminish what I’ve accomplished. I read a big book. Infinite Jest was a tough read, not something I’d recommend for bedtime or at the beach. There were some very good parts, sure, but overall, it’s not one I’ll reread soon, at least not again during this pandemic. 

Also during this pandemic, I’ve found time to revisit my childhood passion for animation. When I was a kid, before I wanted to be a comedian, I wanted to become an animator. As an adult — thanks to technology and free time in the evenings — I could. 

Wanting to commemorate the achievement of finishing a book while seeking an idea for an animation project, I decided to pair the two together and present a scene from what I’d imagine a moment at an I Finished Reading Infinite Jest Party would be like. 

Please enjoy my animated short: I Finished Reading Infinite Jest Party

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A Girl Called Memory

“Memory!” the woman shouted at the water park. 

On the field, at the other end, I asked my wife. “Is that kid called Memory?”  

“I think it’s Melanie,” she responded, tending to our dog. “Memory is a terrible name. Kids would make fun of you.” 

“Memory!” the woman hollered again. This time a pre-teen girl trotted over. 

“It is Memory…” my wife sighed, shaking her head. “Oh no…”

“We’ll never forget about her,” I said, with an intelligent smirk. “I should write a story about her: A Girl Called Memory. That’s a great title.” 

My wife returned her attention to the dog, who was now laying on his side for tummy rubs. 

I looked up at the sky to find my words. Then it came to me: ““Memory!” the woman shouted at the water park.” I recited the line outloud. It came so naturally then… 

But now… as I sit here at my desk, I can’t remember what happened next. 

For more of my comedic writing, please check out my Humour Section

The Executive Decision

The CEO gathered the whole team into the boardroom and demanded that each member give him one good idea for a marketing campaign. 

“We should get people and let them try the product.” 

“We should get a movie star and let him try the product.” 

“We should get a movie star and let him try the product, but he will also on a beach with a bikini model.” 

The CEO listened quietly the whole time as the team agreed with each other, adding ideas to ideas. Finally, he stepped in. 

Clearing his throat, The CEO said, “Thank you everyone for such a delightful brainstorm, it’s sad that we will never do it again. Our company is bankrupt.” 

The team was stunned. 

Was it the best way to lay off an entire company? Perhaps not, but as a CEO, sometimes it’s up to him to make the executive decision. 

For more of my comedic writing, please check out my Humour Section

The Warren G Story

We were driving down the highway when Regulate by Warren G came on the radio. I started chuckling to myself.

“What?” my wife asked from the passenger seat.

“At the bar, one of the regular was Warren G,” I said, in between spurts of laughter, “I knew because I had to take his credit card to open the tab.”

“What?” my wife responded. “Warren G went to your bar?”

“Yeah,” I said, catching my breath, “it’s what it said on his credit card — I didn’t even know who Warren G was until my co-worker put this song on afterward.”

“Wait,” my wife, turned to me, “Warren G is a regular at your bar?”

“He’s just an old white guy named Warren G,” I confirmed, still laughing. “It’s another person named Warren G.”

My wife was clearly frustrated. “You are so bad at telling stories.”

For more of my comedic writing, please check out my Humour Section

The Perfect Crime

There’s this old bicycle sitting out on my balcony. Yesterday, I Googled “How to recycle old bikes?” Some results recommended I donate it to a local charity and other offered phone numbers for removal. What a hassle! I don’t have time for that. I want to get rid of this bike now.

Then it came to me, what if I just leave it by my condo’s recycling containers. Surely they’ll know what to do with it.

In stealth mode, I walked the bike out of my apartment, down four flights of stairs and into the garbage area, shoulder checking occasionally to ensure nobody saw. Bikes are not approved waste items, after all.

I fled back upstairs, my nerves shaking. Moments passed. My conscience was relentless.

Unable to relax, I returned to the scene of the crime. Maybe I’ll call the phone number to have someone pick it up and avoid the stress.

To my surprise, the bike was no longer there. It’s only fifteen minutes ago. And then I remembered, an unlocked bike is as good as a wallet full of cash. I brushed off the dust from my hands in a job-well-done fashion and said to myself, “the perfect crime.”

 

For more of my comedic writing, please check out my Humour Section

VIP, The “I” Stands For “I” as in Me

Yeah, they pretty much let me in anywhere, any time I want. I know people. I can move furniture around. This is pretty much my second living room. If I ask, they’ll give me table service right now. But we ain’t staying long, we got other shizz to do tonight so I won’t order it. Next time, baby, next time.

Oh, yeah, I still have to pay. It is a business after all. Even in my living room, I have to pay for all them bottles of Grey Gooses. Grey Geese?

It doesn’t matter who you are these days, you still have to pay for stuff one way or another. Money or favor, that’s what they say. It’s basic economics, don’t make me mansplain it to you. I hate doing that. You know I hate doing that.

waynes world

No, I’m still a very important person, but I don’t abuse my power, that’s the thing about me and other important people I respect. I’m humble. I’m a VHP, a Very Humble Person. If only they treated humble people like they do for important people… the world will be a better place, I’ll tell you that much.

Ha! No way, I’m not Buddhist. I mean, I can be if I wanted to. There’s no license I have to get to become Buddhist, right? No? Well, I guess I’m Buddhist now. Bam! Just like that, I have a whole new identity. I like that religion is like that. It’s like being a sports fan, or a fan of politics… mindlessly idolizing an organization.

It’s surprising that I’m allowed to simply claim that I belong to a religion without having to partake in any sort of certification. So many things are bureaucratic these days, it’s like OMG kill me with a dynamite already. Do I have to wait in this line to be baptized or this line? Do I fill out this form or this form? Kafka would be rolling… 

But being a part of a religion doesn’t make you special or important, does it? I wish it did. I guess at least being Buddhist doesn’t make you important. Unless you are the Dalai Lama. I guess he’s pretty important. Probably the most important one. I guess all religions have their representative, huh? Like a Pope guy.

Either way, I’m going to stop talking about that before I’ll say something I shouldn’t have.

Should I order the most expensive bottle of liquor in this establishment? Did you know ordering the most high-end liquor is the best deal?

You see, the cheap stuff are usually what the business makes the money from, so it is marked up the most. A glass of beer for 8 dollars, are you shitting me? A glass of this piss is worth a dollar tops. Whereas, I can get a shot of Macallan aged in an oak sherry-seasoned cast for 18 years for 30 dollars? Do you even know how much a bottle of that stuff is worth? That shit took 18 years to make! That’s like the age of my son when I no longer need to take care of him anymore.

No, let me dwell on this a bit more. The time it took to raise a child into adulthood, this whiskey had been sitting in a barrel. Waiting for me. That’s special. Almost as special as having a child, one can argue.

Time flies.

So, should I call the server over… or what? Do you want some food? No, they don’t serve food here, but we can absolutely hit up that McDonald’s next door.

See, that’s what I like about freedom. It’s the fact that even if I’m a Super Important Person. A SIP. I can still do things regular people can do as well. That’s equality. The fact that I can walk into a McDonald’s and order a… you guessed it… a Big Mac, and then eat it in the restaurant and not feel overdressed is a privilege. A privilege of freedom. Freedom well earned.

This is what we fought for. Our enemies from other countries wanted to take that away from us. If they ever try again, I’ll be there. I’ll be there to show them what’s what.

Actually, I think McDonald’s are in most countries, right? It’s kind of an international mega company, a global icon, isn’t it? Hopefully, the downfall of America won’t affect the success of McDonald’s. It’ll probably help, in fact. I’ve seen how long those burgers last without decomposing. That’ll feed so many American refugees. I have hope. Either way, we are good. I don’t have to fight at all. It seems we’ll have freedom regardless.

Oh, prove me wrong if you don’t think what I think is correct. You can’t. That’s the funny thing. You can’t prove me wrong. You are hypothesizing the same way I am. Educatedly. I know things. I’m a smart guy. I’m also humble. I’m also pretty important. And I’m a person, damn it! And I want to be treated like one. I’m not some simple boy you boss around, who you make buy expensive liquor and take you to all the fancy McDonald’s. I’m not like that. I have no presumptions. I’m living life and you should be too. It doesn’t matter if you don’t share the same qualities as me. I think you are important as well. Remember I told you that. I want you to think about it when I’m not around so you won’t get sad, okay?

Cool. That really gives me peace of mind. I hate it when other people feel bad because of me and my importance. I’m a Very Sensitive Person.

 

What you’ve just read is the seventh post in a series entitled “A Fan Fiction of My Life by My Number One Fan, Me.” Please check out the first seven posts from the series:
Me, A Doctor
I Am A Controversial Artist, AMA
A Well-Respected Elderly Man, It’s Me
Bringer of Bad News, I’m the One
Yes, I Am Blind with a Broken Heart 
I Drive a $160 Million Ride
This is My First Time in Space

This Is My First Time In Space

I didn’t know what I expected to do once I’m up here. I guess I’ll enjoy the view?

Look outside and see the great expanse of the universe?

Good stuff. This trip has gone exactly as planned so far, and I always worry when a trip goes EXACTLY as planned… you don’t remember it.

There is a beauty when things go wrong because then there is a “crisis.”

We, people, recollect crisis better than moments of tranquility. Think about it, last time you spent the whole weekend chilling at home, and someone from the office, probably Frank, asks you what you were up to and all you said was, “Nothing…” Nothing. You were doing something… and it was awesome — and nothing went wrong.

You aim low and you achieve your goal and then there is nothing interesting to talk about.

See that’s the thing about stories, a good story needs to have a conflict. Man against man. Nature against man. Or my favourite, man against his inner self, like in that Woody Allen movie, you know, the one with the nervous guy. There needs to be a conflict in this trip, otherwise, I’m not going to remember it once I return to Earth.

Oh? I guess you’re right. I’m totally having a man vs self-conflict right now, aren’t I?

It’s not the celestial expanse that is against me nor my spaceship-mate, Astro. Yes, my partner on this trip is named Astro. Funny, huh?

Me? What’s my name? Oh equally or if not more space-related, my name is Flying Saucer. First name Flying, last name Saucer. It’s French, it’s pronounced Saucey-ée. Flying Saucer and my partner Astro. Anyways, back on topic, I’m most certainly having a conflict.

I’m unable to enjoy this trip because once I get back I’m not going to have anything to talk about. When my wife asks me how was it, I’ll say, “Oh it was wonderful, but I just couldn’t stop thinking about coming home and having nothing to talk about, so I stressed about it the whole time.”

Yeah, she’ll love that story, at least she’ll pretend to. I mean, our whole love is a sham anyway. She’s not fooling anyone. She’s a trooper though. She doesn’t complain or demand a divorce like some women. She hates me, but you know what she hates more? The mysterious abyss that is the dating scene. Ha! I’m so much more courageous than her. Here I am in space, and there she is living in my home, resenting me for my bravery. Either way, she couldn’t do this, the same way she couldn’t divorce me. To divorce me is like going into space, you just simply can’t be certain that you’ll get back — get me back. The dating scene is merciless. She never online dated a day in her life, she is not ready for this new world. This brave new world.

What was it like to be in space?

Oh, it’s cool, I spent a lot of time up there thinking about how my wife won’t divorce me, it was pretty awesome!

space

Yeah. That’s what I’ll tell the guys. They’ll love that nugget. Except for Johnson, who is still jealous that I’m more successful than him. He’ll never openly say it. Nobody ever admits they are jealous, you simply have to read it in their face. I can read it on Johnson’s face all right. I can read it all day. Flipping the pages back and forth. Highlighting the best passage, his dumb lips. Circling a good quote, his furrowed eyebrow. I will scribble little notes in the margin, his left dimple. Fuck him! Jealousy…. know what it is? Jealousy is like taking poison and hoping someone else will die. Yes. I like that. It’s so true about Johnson. He’s killing himself. I don’t need to worry about him at all. I can continue being me. Loveable ol’ me.

Who knows when I’ll get to hang out with those guys any more. Everybody is so busy these days. Even Johnson, to be honest. Me and Johnson used to be tight. I would wake up around noon, give him a shout, and we would meet up for coffee and then hang out in his parent’s basement. Can’t believe that used to be what I did. Chilling. Now look at me, I’m an astronaut in space. I’m literally in space. Still chilling, though. Different setting same shit.

All that hard work and I simply found a cooler place to chill. Not that much cooler, Johnson’s parent’s basement did have an infinite amount of snacks. Mrs. Johnson is unreal. I don’t get that woman, she was pretty much that wicked witch from Hansel and Gretel. I mean, she herself was not wicked. I mean, she was wicked cool, but not wicked as in wanting to fatten me up and eat me. Maybe she did want to eat me and I didn’t get fat enough, fast enough… My crazy metabolism. That is something to ponder about later. Not now.

I mean, I was pretty polite, I didn’t go over there and eat the snacks. I hung out with her son as well. Johnson. Good guy that Johnson. It’s just that we had a falling out. He became an accountant or something, and I became a man of space and wonder and imagination and hope for the future. He makes sure that the government of one of those little countries on that little planet gets 30% of some hard working freelancer’s money. I get it. I get it. No, you’re right, I shouldn’t diss accountants. Taxes are unavoidable. I’m not angry at accountants. I’m cool with them. They’re an awesome occupation, and totally a job I couldn’t do.

See, I’m good with numbers, of course, I’m an astronaut. You think I used the calculator app on my iPhone to get me up here? Ha! Good one. No. I did some math and calculated the exact fuel and trajectory to get me into this orbit without blowing Astro and myself up. Blowing Astro (say that out loud, if you are reading in your head). Ha! Didn’t mean for those two words to come so close together. That can be dangerous if you know what I mean.

Anyways, I’m technically skilled enough to be an accountant, I just can’t stand the business culture. Wearing a suit and having small talk with your colleagues. Oh, small talk is a nightmare. I hate having small talk, I never have anything to say. “What did you get up to last weekend?”

“Oh, I was in space?”

“Really? How was that?”

“Oh you know, just spent a lot of time up there thinking about how my wife won’t divorce me, it was pretty awesome!”  

 

What you’ve just read is the seventh post in a series entitled “A Fan Fiction of My Life by My Number One Fan, Me.” Please check out the first six posts from the series:
Me, A Doctor
I Am A Controversial Artist, AMA
A Well-Respected Elderly Man, It’s Me
Bringer of Bad News, I’m the One
Yes, I Am Blind with a Broken Heart 
I Drive a $160 Million Ride

I Drive A $160 Million Ride

jet plane for war

I get it, it sounds like bragging, but It’s not like I get to ride it wherever I want.

I’m like a glorified bus driver. Taking orders and executing it to perfection. That’s what I love about bus drivers, they are the heartbeat of a community. Think about it, how do you get your broke-ass around the city? You take that awful cramped smelly bus. Someone has to drive that awful mortuary on wheels, and that person is called a bus driver.

Earning trust isn’t easy. Earning so much trust that someone will let you drive something that expensive is unprecedented. Think of the last time you let a friend drive your car. No car? Okay, think of the last time you let a friend ride your bike. No bike? Think of the last time you let your friend borrow your Pulp Fiction DVD. A part of you knew you would never see that DVD again.  

You have unreliable friends. I’m simply going to leave it at that. You’re no better. They say you become the people you surround yourself with.

I’m not saying it’s your fault. There really isn’t anything you can do. But listen, you can only carry so much in your life, and if you want good things, you’d need to drop some of the bad. If you want to have a $160M ride, you’d need to get some cooler, more reliable – or at least richer — friends.

That’s what I did.

Look, I’m not a motivational speaker or a life coach or anything like that. I’m simply one of the most successful jet fighters in the academy.

When something needs to get nuked — and get nuked fast. They call me. I tell them to give me a two-week notice, but they always call me last minute, and believe me, as I get into the plane, I’m a bit resentful, but heck, not everyone can do what you want. And that’s why I don’t think you will listen to me either. Who am I anyways… I’m just an employee.

But I think I have a pretty good job. I know this because, whenever I tell people what I do, they perk up and ask, “How do you become a warplane pilot?”

It makes me feel pretty good. I know that accountants don’t get that same type of fanfare. “How did you become a CPA?” We all know how to become an accountant: by killing yourself from the inside. JK accountants are cool. Crunching numbers and all that good stuff.

I always wonder what it would be like to have a simple job and a simple life. You know, wake up, brew coffee, play with my children and teach them the importance about following their dreams but not doing so myself, go to a job where I sit at a computer, talk about my fantasy team with my colleagues, meet my monthly quota (whatever that means, I hear it being said on the television sometimes), and then come home eat dinner and do it all over again.

Would I trade a day of my life with a paper pusher? Absolutely. I think I can sit at a desk and open and close browsers, and pretend to be working by emailing myself thoughtful musings. I would be the employee of the fucking month.

I’m what you would call an over-achiever. Whatever scenario you put me in, I am going to over excel. I remember when I was a little boy, playing doctor dodgeball. The objective of doctor dodgeball is simple — you remember the movie, Hacksaw Ridge? It’s like that but in dodgeball form. So, while war is raging and casualties are falling, the doctors will come and retrieve the fallen elementary school students.

Was I a doctor? Fuck no. I was the slayer of the enemy’s doctors. Kill the doctors. Win the war. That mentality has stayed with me into adulthood. That is how I overachieve. You don’t try to be the person who mends and heals and talk nicely to people. You need to be the person that destroys your enemy’s top resources. You can say that is how I got into this gig: I kind of fell into it.

After the dodgeball game, a talent scout came up to me and said, “Wow kid, I see a lot of potential in you.”

I told him I can give him an autograph but if he wants to negotiate a deal or discuss my future, he would have to contact my attorney and management team.

My manager, Travis, got back to me about a week later with a simple proposal. Flying jet planes. I said, “That sounds like fun.” And the rest is history.

Look, a lot of people are going to tell you that all you can amount to is someone who helps people who sit at computers for a living file taxes, but listen! That’s not true. If you have this secret desire to kill people and express it in a way that can attract the government, and be lucky enough to exhibit that skillset in an arena where federal officials are present, then you too can have an awesome ride and an awesome life like me.

I drive a $160 million jet plane to and from work every day. My office is in the skies over the Middle East. I love my life. Do you love yours?  

 

What you’ve just read is the sixth post in a series entitled “A Fan Fiction of My Life by My Number One Fan, Me.” Please check out the first five posts from the series:
Me, A Doctor
I Am A Controversial Artist, AMA
A Well-Respected Elderly Man, It’s Me
Bringer of Bad News, I’m the One
Yes, I Am Blind with a Broken Heart

 

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