Tasteless T-shirts

July 1, 2013July 1, 2013 / Elliot Chan / Leave a comment

Formerly published in The Other Press. Mar. 5 2013

Keep your ego-boosting slogans to yourself
By Elliot Chan, Staff Writer

Remember those “I’m with stupid” shirts with an arrow pointing to the person beside you? Weren’t those hilarious? Well now, athletic brands like Nike are producing T-shirts that point the attention on the wearer, but with positivity. I’m referring to the “I’m so awesome” shirts, which aren’t funny at all—they are actually a bit aggravating.

To have the gall to wear a shirt promoting how great you are all day makes you an egomaniac, and that is not exactly a good first impression. Some might say their apparel isn’t meant to bring anybody down; they are simply inspirational quotes. Thanks, but I don’t need to get my inspiration from looking at your bulky torso. I know you work out—you’ve been talking about it all day. I don’t need your shirt to remind me too.

If you want to inspire someone, don’t rehash old sayings. “Just do it,” it says. “Then do it again!” How droll. There is a thin line between being confidently motivational and arrogantly ambitious. And the line can be crossed simply by wearing those shirts outside of your bedroom or the gym.

When someone walks by me wearing a T-shirt that says “Don’t sweat my swag,” in bold, colourful text, I am unsure what to make of it. Is it just workout slang or a subtle putdown? I’m really not sure. But perhaps pondering the meaning of such a phrase is in fact sweating the swag.

T-shirts are the perfect canvas for showcasing personality and interests. Yet, we are constantly changing. I just have to look through my own closet to find old relics of places “I heart” and concerts I’ve attended. The T-shirts I’ve accumulated over the years become a little history book of my life. What I wore when I was 17 is different from what I wear today. Like looking at old pictures, we remember how stupid we used to look in those Ed Hardy T-shirts and V-necks. Oh wait—we still wear those.

The casual look is the reason we choose to be in a T-shirt, but it is still important to stay classy. No matter how athletic, intelligent, and confident you are, your bad taste will tell the world otherwise. Save your witty quotes for Twitter or bathroom stalls. Don’t wear them on your chest as if “YOLO” is the name of some sport team you play for. If your shirt says, “I’m the best,” then you’d better live up to it.

Matt and Kim

July 1, 2013 / Elliot Chan / Leave a comment

Formerly published in Beatroute. Oct. 31 2012

COMMODORE BALLROOM – OCTOBER 29, 2012

It is hard to imagine high energy on the Sunday night of Halloween weekend. But Matt and Kim supplied the perfect double-shot-espresso kick to end the late October rituals. Packing into Vancouver’s Commodore Ballroom with the fanatic opening performance by Oberhofer, Matt and Kim made a custodian’s nightmare out of the dance floor. Confetti, balloons, and derelict garments scatter across the venue as the crowds bounce to the pair’s ecstatic beat.

Gratefully sipping the 5% Budweiser from north of the border, Matt and Kim mixed their classic tunes with popular dance hits including Sir Mixalot, Alice Deejay, and Yolanda Be Cool & DCUP to name a few. Surpassing any nightclub experience, watching Kim laying the fury on the cymbals with her permanent smile was worth the ticket price. The pair used the stage like a jungle gym, striking poses on the bass drum, stool and even climbing upon the audience. Aside from being agile, the most memorable moments include Kim’s proposition. After hearing a collective chant from the crowd, she said she would remove her bra if the audience would take off an article of clothing and wave it in the air. Adhering to her words, Kim continued to drum away mildly exposed in her white-netted tank top.

There was no denying that Matt and Kim’s performance was both audibly and visually pleasing. Multiple cameras were attached to their microphones and the image was projected on a screen behind. Occasionally they would cut to the camera’s perspective showing the audience what the performance would look like if it was presented through Skype. But this was no small screen performance. It was a spectacle. Few musical duos could sustain the vigorous energy like Matt and Kim. They weren’t only hosting the party; they were the life of it.

After ending on a high note with “Good For Great,” an optimistic centrepiece on their third album Sidewalks, the couple guaranteed the crowd that their love for Vancouver would bring them back sooner than later. The reassured audience members finally catch their breath and wipe the sweat off their brows. It was indeed a workout of a concert. Feeling fit and undaunted, the costumed crowd steps out into the rainy night recollecting a successful weekend.

By Elliot Chan

REM: Really Entertaining Movies/Music

July 1, 2013 / Elliot Chan / Leave a comment

Formerly published in The Other Press. Mar. 5 2013

Great movies and albums I can’t stay awake for

By Elliot Chan, Staff Writer

Great films and albums aren’t always the ones that keep us on the edge of our seats or send us dancing until the sun comes up. Some fantastic works of art have a drowsing effect; they challenge the senses and cause the brain to concentrate extra hard on picking up the subtleties. These exhausting marathon films and albums are not meant for large groups of friends, nor are they the type of entertainment for a casual night in. They are a commitment you make, and patience, perseverance, and maybe a cup of coffee will help you reach the credit without snoozing.

Apocalypse Now (1979): Touted as one of the greatest war movies ever, the 153-minute running time felt like an endless anticipation for a battle scene that never comes. The film opens with those famous lyrics from The Doors, “This is the end…” Ironic. I have never watched it in one conscious sitting. During multiple screenings I recall Martin Sheen’s character Benjamin Willard getting on the boat and riding down the river, then fade to black and suddenly there is Dennis Hopper and an ox is getting sliced in half. I always wake up for Marlon Brando’s “The horror… the horror!” and then doze back to an uncomfortable sleep and waking up to the smell of napalm in the morning.

Bon Iver (Bon Iver) (2011): If you have a long study session or a workout and would like the accompaniment of music, avoid this album. Like a sunny day at the beach, Bon Iver has the ability to suck energy from mortal men. How can anyone be productive with his soothing ambient vocals? If you want to enjoy this album in its entirety, cancel all your plans. But trust me, it will be worth it.

jj n° 2 (jj) (2009): Based from Sweden, the members of jj have transformed R&B and hip-hop classics by such names as Akon, Lil Wayne, and Kanye West into soft-melodic tunes. Incorporating their own lyrical twist and adding a psychedelic aspect to familiar beats, jj has joined a large group of independent musicians in a subgenre called dream pop. Jj’s n° 2 is a terrific album for an afternoon on the porch with a friendly companion and a cup of Earl Grey, but what the artists recommend is another element they suggest right on the album cover (Spoilers: it’s weed).

Lord of the Rings – The Two Towers (2002): I sometimes do nerdy things, but I am not the most persistent nerd, proven by my many failed attempts at watching theLord of the Rings trilogy in a marathon. I can watch the first one, Fellowship of the Ring (2001), with little or no problems. Frodo takes the ring, Gandalf falls in Moria, and Boromir dies—bing, bang, boom. But the second one is an absolute struggle, and it is because of the scenes with the Ents (talking trees). While Merry and Pippin were trying to convince the passive tree race to join in the battle for Middle Earth, the dreadfully slow dialogue had already defeated me. Maybe one day I’ll watch The Hobbit and The Lord of the Rings together… then again, maybe I’ll sleep on it.

Acceptance speech for the Award for Best Background Performance

July 1, 2013January 13, 2021 / Elliot Chan / Leave a comment

A satirical article, formerly published in The Other Press. Feb. 26 2013

As transcribed by Elliot Chan, The Extra Extra

Leonardo Deniro – Professional Background Performer

“Wow! Uhhh… Okay! Wow! I was so not expecting this. Wow! What an honour. When my agent first called and told me to show up on set, I did not know I was going to be playing such an amazing role. Unfortunate Bystander Number Four was an extraordinary exploration into the human dynamic; it has changed my life—so I would like to thank my agency, Meat Prop Inc., for giving me such a fabulous opportunity.”

(Pauses for a moment of introspection)

“Secondly, I would like to thank God for giving me a human body. Without it, I wouldn’t be able to be such an exceptional background performer. Next, I would like to thank my beloved mother for teaching me to stand still and then move naturally when someone shouts “Action!” I thought you were crazy at first, mom, but…(Resisting the urge to cry) Mothers know best and you were preparing me for a gurgling life of following directions. Without you, I would not be so obedient. You gave me the cues for success. I love you.” (Breaks down, dramatically)

(Milks applause for several more seconds)

“Next I would like to thank my colleagues. Gosh, any of you could be up here tonight, accepting this award. Denzel Washington DC, you were simply brilliant as the man walking the dog in Zero Dark Thirty. And then there is Daniel Night-Lewis; you were truly inspirational as that orc in The Hobbit, my eyes just somehow seemed to go to you. Who said being M. Night Shyamalan’s relative is a career curse, huh? Spinoff, dude, imagine a television show called Orc! Finally, how can I forget about you, Tobey Maguire. Where have you been, dawg? That was an incredible performance as the elephant in Life of Pi—I know your scene on the boat got cut, but damn! Incredible. I really don’t deserve to be in such an illustrious company… but I’ll keep the award anyways.”

(Pause for insincere pompous laughter)

“Background actors often don’t get the respect they deserve, but it is an art form.”

(More laughter)

“Sure, we might not be as good-looking and we don’t end up in the credits or whatever, but that’s not the point. We are a valued part of the movie experience. Like sets, props, music, and costumes, we complete the film. Just because we’re blurry figures in the background doesn’t mean we aren’t working hard. We are some of the hardest working people in the industry. You think sitting in a tent for 16 hours is easy? You think waiting for Dwayne “The Rock” Johnson to say his lines is easy? No, can CGI characters do that? Fuck no! Sorry, I didn’t mean to cuss. (Fakes embarrassment) Bottom line is that there are a million background performers losing their jobs. Students coming out of background acting school with nothing, absolutely nothing, not even as a Walking Dead zombie part.”

(Music starts playing)

“Wait! Hold on, I’m not finished! (Pause) The industry is evolving and it is time for us, the background performers, to stick together and come to the foreground of the problem. We might be extras on set, but no more. We are the leading actors of our own lives. So thank you, the academy, for the recognition. Martin Scorsese, you are a legend! Thank you!”

Henrik versus Linden

July 1, 2013April 7, 2014 / Elliot Chan / Leave a comment

Formerly published in The Other Press. Feb. 26 2013

Will there ever be a new Captain Canuck?

By Elliot Chan, Staff Writer

On February 15, in a game against the Dallas Stars, Henrik Sedin surpassed Markus Naslund’s franchise record in points scored with 757. Although the Canucks eventually lost the game 4–3, it did not spoil the debate concerning the greatest Canuck of all time.

Among fans, there is no argument: Trevor Linden is still the idol in Vancouver. But realistically, what can Sedin do to over take him? The answer is simple: win a championship. The only way for any player to step out from Linden’s shadow is to reflect the light with the Stanley Cup. Then again, Sedin has done everything Linden did in less games played. Statistically, the only major area that Linden has the upper hand is in goals scored. Henrik is a playmaker, though he did show off his abilities to score in 2010 when his brother, Daniel went down with a leg injury. So, is it really so unfair to have this discussion?

Sedin has won the Art Ross and the Hart Memorial trophy, and led the Canucks to the Stanley Cup finals. But the term “led” is used loosely, because he has a notorious reputation of not showing up during pressure games. For most, it doesn’t matter what players do in the regular season, great players must bring their skills to do-or-die situations. Great players are clutch players. Unfortunately, Linden falls into the same category as Sedin. Both captained losing teams in the Stanley Cup Finals. The mirroring post-season experiences keep them on par with each other.

Besides coping with heartbreaking losses and being top draft picks, Sedin and Linden don’t have much in common. Sedin is Swedish, where as Linden is Canadian. I can’t speak for everyone, but in an international game where Canada is playing against the Swedes, it is a little difficult to cheer against Sedin. It plays a big part in Vancouver fans’ psyches. As shallow as it sounds, the best Canuck shouldn’t be a foreigner for that reason.

The other thing working against Sedin in respect of being the best Canuck is that he played most of his career with his identical twin right beside him. I’ve cheered them on for 13 years and still can’t tell them apart. For the longest time the debate was, who’s the better Sedin? They were neck and neck with points for so many years. One would pass and the other would score. Only recently did Henrik overtake Daniel in the race and earned recognition aside from being the other half of a scoring combination. Henrik Sedin will never be the greatest Canuck, because then what would Daniel be? They relied so heavily on each other their whole career it would be unfair to split them in such fashion.

Linden rose up the ranks, earned respect, and went through trials and adversity all on his own. That is why he is and always will be Captain Canuck to the city of Vancouver and Henrik Sedin, although he is currently wearing the “C” for captain, will always be paired up with his brother Daniel.

Nothing in life is permanent

July 1, 2013January 22, 2019 / Elliot Chan / Leave a comment

LS_Perm-Pic-2

Formerly published in The Other Press. Feb. 26 2013

The rise and fall of the male perm
By Elliot Chan, Staff Writer

The decision to get a perm was not spontaneous. It wasn’t like I got drunk one night and woke up with curly hair. No, I discussed it with friends and family and contemplated it alone for hours. I was feeling adventurous. Changing my hairstyle was not like bungee jumping or public speaking, but it still took a lot of courage.

I remember approaching my long-time barber and inquiring about a perm. He looked at me with a smile. “No,” he said, “Men don’t get perms anymore.” That took me a little by surprise, but then I thought about my father. For most of my childhood, he had big curly hair. I’ll even go ahead and call it an afro. It was not natural; Chinese men like my dad usually have straight thin hair. I still remember sitting in the barbershop watching him with curlers on his head. He looked like my grandma, but I didn’t think much more about it. Then one day he cut his hair short and slicked it back with gel. I never saw him with a perm again. My father was far from a pioneer, but I thought I could surely bring the fashion back.

“I want it anyways,” I told my barber, “I want a perm.”

The barber gave a humourous yet disgruntled sigh and sat me down, gave my seat three quick pumps to find the perfect working level, and got to it. Six customers crept into the shop during the course of my transformation. The barber greeted them and gave an estimated time of finishing my do. Some waited patiently, while others left. All the while, I sat there staring at myself in the mirror and glancing over at the small audience. They were looking at their phones or reading magazines, but I could feel them quietly snickering at me. What have I done? I thought to myself. But it was too late — the curlers were in.

I really liked the way my hair turned out. Sure, it took a while to get used to, but I didn’t look half bad. For once in my life, my ethnicity was ambiguous. Being used to a life with a label like “Chan,” I didn’t mind people assuming I was Filipino, Korean, and even Mexican for a while. My perm was a pleasant departure from the norm. I embraced it, despite the occasional mockery and self-consciousness.

It took four months for my hair to grow out of the curls. Before I knew it, I was myself again, or someone who resembled the person I once was. I combed my fingers through my flat hair; it just wasn’t the same. I thought about trying it again and even suggested it to others, saying things like, “If you do it, I’ll do it.” But the days of male perms are gone, like cassette tapes and floppy disks.

Men today would rather take a more masculine approach to hairstyles: bangs, fohawks, or words shaved into their undercut. That is the current trend, and most people feel that it’s easier just to follow the pack.

Sometimes hair can feel like a nuisance, but it shouldn’t be. Hair should be a canvas for our own personal exploration and how others perceive us. Blonde to brunette, ponytail to cornrows, long bangs to bald—why not? There are so many things in life that are permanent, and hair isn’t one of them. So take a chance and be adventurous.

North by northwest

July 1, 2013April 7, 2014 / Elliot Chan / Leave a comment

Formerly published in The Other Press. Feb. 19 2013

The worst division in the NHL

By Elliot Chan, Staff Writer

Since the inauguration in 1998, the Northwest Division has only produced one Stanley Cup champion and three Presidents’ Trophy winners. From the glory days of the Colorado Avalanche to the current dominance of the Vancouver Canucks, the great Northwest has always been a one-horse race. Minnesota, Calgary, and Edmonton sneak into the playoffs on several occasions and have been memorable contenders, but the success was temporary. The failures of the division however seem permanent.

It is hard to stay optimistic watching each team struggling despite improvements. Edmonton has collected first-round draft picks and has developed a team with a youthful core, but still no notable growth can be seen.

Meanwhile, Minnesota went through some dramatic changes adding more of an offensive touch with players like Zach Parise, Dany Heatley, and Devin Setoguchi, but positive results haven’t been immediate.

For Calgary and Colorado, both are struggling through a period of transition as prominent players like Jarome Iginla and Milan Hejduk are taking on lesser roles in their waning days. There’s really no surprise that Vancouver is waltzing through the shortened year with their eyes set on another division title, their sixth in seven seasons.

For the fans of Northwest Division teams, patience is a virtue. It is a shame that some of the most passionate supporters of the sport have to suffer with subpar teams. Perhaps there is a greater expectation from proud hockey fans, but the truth of the matter is that the teams just aren’t that good. The way it looks at the moment, Vancouver might be the only team in the division entering the playoffs. There is a slim chance that Edmonton or Minnesota may upset another and sneak in, but with the stiff competition in the Western Conference’s bottom eight seeds, the odds are not in their favour.

As of the moment, this is good news for Vancouver fans. With the majority of the games against weaker opposition, the Canucks may have the easiest route to the playoffs. Then again, the spoils of having incompetent opponents may hinder their chances come do-or-die games. Teams that often do well in the playoffs are those that feel the pressure of making the post-season. Last year the Los Angeles Kings won the championship as an eighth-seed underdog, so it goes to show that no team cruises to glory. As weak and pathetic as the division looks at the moment, the Northwest have made the Stanley Cup Finals three times in the last 10 years, no better or worse than any of the other divisions in the Western Conference.

Study break: an oxymoron

July 1, 2013April 7, 2014 / Elliot Chan / Leave a comment

Formerly published in The Other Press. Feb. 19 2013

The pros and cons of a mid-semester break

By Elliot Chan, Staff Writer

Show of hands—how many of you actually spent the study break studying? Don’t feel guilty if you avoided the books and assignments for a week; you’re not the only one. Most of us used the break in the traditional sense: as an actual break. Sleeping until noon, catching up on our favourite television shows, and seeing the long-forgotten faces of our friends and family. Some even tried to sneak in a vacation or go on a trip, but for those who weren’t successful in being productive, how effective was the study break? Would it have been more beneficial to keep the ball rolling and get the semester over with?

It’s easy to say at the beginning of the break that you’ll harness the motivation to get ahead, but odds are the battle will be lost to procrastination. Maybe you’ll sneak a few hours of reading and writing, but students are creatures of habit, and a schedule is hard to develop during a week-long break. The daily school routine keeps the momentum going for students. Remember the first week of school, getting the first assignment, and the will to accomplish it? The study break might seem like a delightful opportunity for leisure, or to get your head above the waves of homework, but odds are that it is nothing more than an academic speed bump, slowing the learning process.

Of course, the fear of burning out is always on the minds of stressed out students. It is flu season after all, and the worst-case scenario is falling ill and behind in lectures. For those who have been caught under the weather, the study break will be more of a recovery period. Therefore, they should avoid any strenuous activities altogether and be responsible in recuperating.

To call it a “study break” implies that there are assignments due and deadlines to be met. Some teachers and professors take the extra measure, supplying more homework to keep students busy. The reason administration incorporated the break into the semester was for students to find the balance between rest and work. It is important that all parties (students, teachers, and parents) understand the strain of education. A study break shouldn’t be one long cramming session, or a non-stop celebration. Ask any athletic trainer what is the most vital part of working out, and they will likely tell you that it’s the recovery afterward. Rest and proper nutrition are disciplines. And so it goes with learning: the study break might feel like two steps backward, but it is all a part of the process. Take a breather, have a stretch, and return to school with a rejuvenated outlook on your goals and accomplishments. The school year is not a sprint—it’s all a long hike up the academic Alps.