VIP, The “I” Stands For “I” as in Me

Yeah, they pretty much let me in anywhere, any time I want. I know people. I can move furniture around. This is pretty much my second living room. If I ask, they’ll give me table service right now. But we ain’t staying long, we got other shizz to do tonight so I won’t order it. Next time, baby, next time.

Oh, yeah, I still have to pay. It is a business after all. Even in my living room, I have to pay for all them bottles of Grey Gooses. Grey Geese?

It doesn’t matter who you are these days, you still have to pay for stuff one way or another. Money or favor, that’s what they say. It’s basic economics, don’t make me mansplain it to you. I hate doing that. You know I hate doing that.

waynes world

No, I’m still a very important person, but I don’t abuse my power, that’s the thing about me and other important people I respect. I’m humble. I’m a VHP, a Very Humble Person. If only they treated humble people like they do for important people… the world will be a better place, I’ll tell you that much.

Ha! No way, I’m not Buddhist. I mean, I can be if I wanted to. There’s no license I have to get to become Buddhist, right? No? Well, I guess I’m Buddhist now. Bam! Just like that, I have a whole new identity. I like that religion is like that. It’s like being a sports fan, or a fan of politics… mindlessly idolizing an organization.

It’s surprising that I’m allowed to simply claim that I belong to a religion without having to partake in any sort of certification. So many things are bureaucratic these days, it’s like OMG kill me with a dynamite already. Do I have to wait in this line to be baptized or this line? Do I fill out this form or this form? Kafka would be rolling… 

But being a part of a religion doesn’t make you special or important, does it? I wish it did. I guess at least being Buddhist doesn’t make you important. Unless you are the Dalai Lama. I guess he’s pretty important. Probably the most important one. I guess all religions have their representative, huh? Like a Pope guy.

Either way, I’m going to stop talking about that before I’ll say something I shouldn’t have.

Should I order the most expensive bottle of liquor in this establishment? Did you know ordering the most high-end liquor is the best deal?

You see, the cheap stuff are usually what the business makes the money from, so it is marked up the most. A glass of beer for 8 dollars, are you shitting me? A glass of this piss is worth a dollar tops. Whereas, I can get a shot of Macallan aged in an oak sherry-seasoned cast for 18 years for 30 dollars? Do you even know how much a bottle of that stuff is worth? That shit took 18 years to make! That’s like the age of my son when I no longer need to take care of him anymore.

No, let me dwell on this a bit more. The time it took to raise a child into adulthood, this whiskey had been sitting in a barrel. Waiting for me. That’s special. Almost as special as having a child, one can argue.

Time flies.

So, should I call the server over… or what? Do you want some food? No, they don’t serve food here, but we can absolutely hit up that McDonald’s next door.

See, that’s what I like about freedom. It’s the fact that even if I’m a Super Important Person. A SIP. I can still do things regular people can do as well. That’s equality. The fact that I can walk into a McDonald’s and order a… you guessed it… a Big Mac, and then eat it in the restaurant and not feel overdressed is a privilege. A privilege of freedom. Freedom well earned.

This is what we fought for. Our enemies from other countries wanted to take that away from us. If they ever try again, I’ll be there. I’ll be there to show them what’s what.

Actually, I think McDonald’s are in most countries, right? It’s kind of an international mega company, a global icon, isn’t it? Hopefully, the downfall of America won’t affect the success of McDonald’s. It’ll probably help, in fact. I’ve seen how long those burgers last without decomposing. That’ll feed so many American refugees. I have hope. Either way, we are good. I don’t have to fight at all. It seems we’ll have freedom regardless.

Oh, prove me wrong if you don’t think what I think is correct. You can’t. That’s the funny thing. You can’t prove me wrong. You are hypothesizing the same way I am. Educatedly. I know things. I’m a smart guy. I’m also humble. I’m also pretty important. And I’m a person, damn it! And I want to be treated like one. I’m not some simple boy you boss around, who you make buy expensive liquor and take you to all the fancy McDonald’s. I’m not like that. I have no presumptions. I’m living life and you should be too. It doesn’t matter if you don’t share the same qualities as me. I think you are important as well. Remember I told you that. I want you to think about it when I’m not around so you won’t get sad, okay?

Cool. That really gives me peace of mind. I hate it when other people feel bad because of me and my importance. I’m a Very Sensitive Person.

 

What you’ve just read is the seventh post in a series entitled “A Fan Fiction of My Life by My Number One Fan, Me.” Please check out the first seven posts from the series:
Me, A Doctor
I Am A Controversial Artist, AMA
A Well-Respected Elderly Man, It’s Me
Bringer of Bad News, I’m the One
Yes, I Am Blind with a Broken Heart 
I Drive a $160 Million Ride
This is My First Time in Space

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