Hi, I’m Elliot, and I’m here to improve my cycling skills. To achieve this, I’m embarking on a project I call FTP Builder, inspired by the Build My FTP workout I’ll be taking on in Rouvy. This series will be told in five parts. This is Part 4, entitled: Race and Recovery
One week before I was to race in a Sprint triathlon, I took a spill off my bike. Crashing right into the curb. This was partly caused by the fact that I was still recovering from a previous fall I had two weeks before. Needless to say, at this point my nerves were a bit shaken, my confidence was compromised, and my bike had some new scratches to remind me of my ambitions — and errors.
I had intended to finish the Build My FTP training plan with one week to taper, but that plan is now out the window.
I did one more test run on my road bike just to keep the feel, but the most important thing was not to do anything risky. There was no point in pushing it anymore. This race will not be about performance and personal records but rather about enjoying myself. My goal now is simply to finish the workouts I committed to, not in 4 weeks but in 6, with the last workout taking place 2 days before the race.
Final Workout:
The final workout for the Build My FTP training plan was an easy ride that lasted just under 30 minutes. It was steady most of the way with 2 significant bursts at the 3 quarter mark.
Overall my legs felt great. When I consider how strong they feel, it’s hard to believe that I won’t be able to use them to their full potential. The thought of descending fast or taking a sharp turn still made me nervous. All the indoor training had been great, but having lost so much confidence outside was just disappointing.
Sadly, injuries are a part of the sport. Like I said, coming out with just a sore elbow, a few scratches on my body, and minor damage to my bike was really a lucky outcome. It could have been much worse.
In the end, the accident was a good learning experience. I’m the type of person who needs to learn from making mistakes. I can hear advice all I want, but experiencing an injury that compromises my performance in a race is something I will carry with me into the future. For that, I am grateful. Give me a diploma for that!
North Shore Sprint Triathlon Race:
The sprint triathlon race I participated in was hosted in North Vancouver. The course started in a community pool with a 444-meter swim, featuring a staggered start with the fastest swimmers going first.
I had a hard time predicting my speed, as my right arm was still only about 75% healed. When I tried to pull, I couldn’t generate much power on that side. Overconfident as usual, I positioned myself too far ahead and ended up letting 8-10 people pass me along the way. This short swim was much harder than I expected due to one end being super shallow and choppy. Anyway, all is good, and I survived.
I had been dreading the bike course. Anything can happen, and I was still nervous about my cycling abilities. So, I took my time preparing at T1, making sure I had everything I needed. I took a gel and got up the initial hill into the course, which was an out-and-back that I had to complete 4 times.
Heading out was a moderate hill, nothing too crazy, but it did allow me to coast a bit on the way back. The tricky thing was the two hairpin turns at either end. With my nerves, I might have hit a cone on the last lap out. Luckily, I didn’t fall off my bike this time and embarrass myself. I’m genuinely pretty happy with the way it went. Confidence up 10%!
Once the bike leg was done. The run was a piece of cake. Even though it was a hilly course, with over 90 m of elevation gain, I felt great and finished strong. if I came in 100%, I’m honestly not sure how much better I could have done. Maybe a minute faster in the swim? Maybe another minute on the bike? We’ll never know.
In the end, I finished somewhere in the middle of the pack and the race worked out in its own unique way, and that’s all you can ask with this stuff sometimes.
Returning from Injury:
When it was over, I took a week off from riding outdoors, and started loosening up and preparing myself for my A-race in September. An Olympic distance triathlon in Stanley Park. I honestly felt pretty shaky getting back up to speed. Parked cars and curbs made me nervous. Doing simple things like descending or riding one hand to drink from my water bottle was really tricky. I was worried about pulling too hard on the brakes again and flying over the handlebars.
I couldn’t help replaying the accidents in my head. So I considered the best way to confront my fears, and that was to return to the scene of my accidents. Riding past where I had crashed and seeing how innocuous the road was, I wondered how I even fell the first time. I chalk it up to just having a lack of focus that one time. A one time thing. Let’s move on.
After a month of just getting back into the groove with safe indoor riding and light runs, I prepare myself for the final chapter of this project. At the start, I gathered some baselines numbers for this experiment.
In the conclusion of Project FTP Builder, I’ll return there and see if I can beat my time.
Stay tuned for the final installment… and subscribe so you do not miss it!
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Hi, I’m Elliot, and I’m here to improve my cycling skills. To achieve this, I’m embarking on a project I call FTP Builder, inspired by the Build My FTP workout I’ll be taking on in Rouvy. This series will be told in five parts. This is Part 3, entitled: The Workout
Rouvy’s Build My FTP workout is a structured training plan designed to boost your FTP over 4 weeks. It includes various intervals that target different aspects of your fitness like endurance, strength, and power.
During each workout, I can expect a warm-up to get my muscles ready and my heart rate up. This usually means starting at a moderate pace and gradually increasing the intensity.
Then there’s the intervals. This is the heart of the workout. I’ll do several high-intensity intervals where I’ll push myself to hold a specific wattage for a set amount of time. These intervals are tough but this is where the gains happen.
Some segments of the workout require me to maintain a consistent power output for longer periods. These are called steady efforts and they simulate the sustained effort I’ll need during a race or a long ride, helping me build the stamina to keep up high wattages over time.
Finally, each session wraps up with a cool-down phase. This helps lower my heart rate and start the recovery process for my muscles.
Now, let’s find out how I did:
Week 1: Getting Used to It
I was excited to get started on this workout, but that feeling didn’t last long. The first one was rather short, but the next two were not.
This week was all about adapting to longer, high-intensity workouts. Anything over 40 minutes felt like a grind. I’m used to more frequent, but shorter rides on the indoor bike. Holding the required power for that duration wasn’t easy. I was pretty tired by the end of the week, especially since I was also doing some high-intensity run training at the same time.
I’m not too sure what I’ve gotten myself into trying to fit this project inside my training for an upcoming sprint distance triathlon. I guess I’ll find out.
Week 2: Squeezing It In
With three long workouts this week, I had to alter my schedule to fit it all in. I had to do them early in the morning, after work, or after another workout. They were tough, and most of the time, I couldn’t even hold the required power. By the end of the week, I was pretty exhausted.
Any excitement I had for this project was gone… these workouts are painful. But I knew that the hard work will pay off when I’m at the start line and I’m confident that I’ll have the strength to climb those hills. So I stayed positive and committed to the process.
Then, something unexpected happened.
Week 3: The Crash
Maybe I was doing too much and the universe decided I needed a break. I started this week by crashing my bike while riding to work.
While going down a hill just outside of my place, I was fidgeting with my jacket with my right hand and I accidentally pulled too hard on the front brakes with my left. My momentum sent me over the handlebars and I literally tackled the pavement at 20 km/hr with my right arm. It happened so fast that I was genuinely confused when I picked myself up from the road.
My elbow hurt a lot and was completely swollen. It took a couple of days before the bruise even appeared. I didn’t have much mobility, but at the time, I didn’t think it was that bad and that it would only set me back a few days. I was wrong. This week ended up being a complete write-off.
Week 4: Recovery and Return
After a few days off, I went to the physio for an assessment to see how much I should push myself in preparation for my triathlon race in three weeks. He assured me I’d be fine, but my elbow might take 4-6 weeks to heal completely. The only way I could injure it further was if I fell off my bike again, so all my exercises would be done indoors, which was the plan with the whole Rouvy thing.
Returning to workouts was a bit of a struggle while trying to deal with the lingering pain in my arm. You don’t realize how much you rely on it sometimes. Simple turning motions and loading bearing were the toughest. However, my legs felt fresh, which was a good sign that the project was having some positive results before I got injured.
While the workouts were still long and holding the watts was tough, I surprisingly managed to get through them. Holding myself up with my arm for over an hour was a bit challenging, but it actually helped get the blood flowing, and my arm felt better after the workouts. Though getting injured never feels good, this one came at a good time to help me regroup.
Week 5: Another Setback
Although my right arm was still stiff and achy, I was grateful that the injury wasn’t worse, considering how unpredictable a crash can be, and that I still had the ability to train from home. Yes, the workouts on Rouvy were still tough — maybe even harder now that I was in recovery mode. Holding the watts for long durations was so painful it dulled everything else. But a short burst of power, such as sprinting felt good, and I could tell I was getting stronger, but the week 4 workouts were a doozy. But I was conquering them. I was so close to finishing.
But then… with only two more workouts left to go —just as I was wrapping up the last bit of training in preparation for my triathlon, I crashed again during a practice ride outside.
That’s two crashes in under three weeks. This time, it just felt like a lapse in focus. I was doing laps on a local hill, and on the third lap of a decent that day, I got distracted for a moment, and when I came to, I was heading towards the curb. I don’t know how that happened, but I put a lot of blame on the fact that my arm wasn’t healthy enough to return, at least not strong enough to take the risk that I took. If I was in full strength I think I could have steered myself away, but my right arm just couldn’t respond in time.
This time I scratched up my road bike and the other side of my body. More critically, this crash really affected my mental state. I started this project wanting to improve my cycling skills and in the end, I feel like I regressed.
If you recall, after visiting the physio for the first time, the only concern was getting into another crash. It goes to show that if you tell me not to do something, you can almost guarantee I’ll do it. If my right arm was 80% recovered, the fall probably took me back to 65%.
Overall, I’m okay, and my bike is okay, but my confidence took a hit. I worked so hard through this training block, wanting to do well in this race, set a new personal best for my time trial, and build up my FTP. I keep replaying my two crashes in my head, even though the memories are all foggy and fragmented. It sucks, because I feel like I’d be in better shape mentally and physically if I hadn’t done this project at all. But, that’s the wrong way to think of it — accidents happen, and it’s a lesson that is probably more valuable than improving my FTP.
Reflecting on everything now.
I don’t want to blame my indoor training for my hubris, but over the last few months, due to various circumstances including weather, I made a lot of progress in my indoor cycling fitness and strength and improved my FTP. However, I haven’t done enough training handling the bike outside. Maybe that’s the cause of my two crashes. My comfort on the bike indoors hasn’t translated to my abilities outdoors. Or maybe I just lost focus at critical moments. My race is next week. I have a couple more workouts left in Rouvy, and then we’ll see what happens.
To be continued…
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When J.R.R. Tolkien started working on The Lord of the Rings [Amazon], he thought it would be a straightforward sequel to The Hobbit [Amazon]. What began as a continuation of Bilbo Baggins’ adventures turned into an epic saga filled with new races and vast, unexplored lands.
George R.R. Martin experienced something similar with his A Song of Ice and Fire [Amazon] series. He initially envisioned a trilogy, but as he wrote, the story expanded into a massive, sprawling narrative with countless plots, rich histories, and a large cast of characters. It’s a story he has yet to finish—come on, George!
These legendary authors show us that sometimes, no matter how well we plan, our stories have a mind of their own. As we pour our thoughts onto the page and let our creativity run wild, something magical and sometimes maddening happens—the tale grows in the telling.
But what does that mean, exactly? It’s when your story expands beyond your initial vision, which often stems from a character, an event, or a theme. This organic growth can be a sign of your creativity flourishing, but it can also lead to a narrative that feels unwieldy and unfocused.
When you want a story to have a structured hero’s journey, a neatly tied-up beginning, middle, and end, and a fast-paced narrative, letting your story grow in the telling can be a bad thing.
But I love Tolkien and Martin. Creating something as expansive, rich in characters, and full of unpredictability as their worlds is what I aspire to do. It’s all about finding the right balance—allowing the tale to grow in the telling while staying the course and not getting too sidetracked. Tolkien and Martin definitely got sidetracked, telling stories about characters that don’t even influence the main plot but add another layer that the audience wasn’t previously invested in.
For example, while the main story of A Song of Ice and Fire focuses on the battle for the Iron Throne and the threat of the White Walkers, Martin decides to split A Feast for Crows and A Dance of Dragons, allowing the events in each book to happen simultaneously. This allowed Martin to introduce a whole batch of point of view characters that branched off from the original story. This brought in characters such as Aegor Rivers.
While Aegor was a great topic for discussion in online forums, with all his backstory, his role in the Blackfyre Rebellion, his founding of the Golden Company, and all his personal vendettas and ambitions. But does he really impact the main plot? Does his story even matter in the context of the current struggle for the throne or to any of the other characters that we spent 3 books getting invested in?
Perhaps he didn’t belong in A Song of Ice and Fire. If Tolkien had written it, maybe he would have stuck him in the Appendices. Either way, as a writer, it’s all about deciding what you want to do with extraneous details that don’t impact the plot. Think, director’s cut or deleted scenes for a movie. To make an informed decision, the first thing you need to do is understand key aspects that can expand as your story develops.
Here are five common areas that will grow as you write:
Characters As you write, your characters may take on new dimensions. They might develop unexpected backstories, acquire new traits, or form relationships you hadn’t planned. A minor character might suddenly demand more attention, becoming central to the plot. In “A Song of Ice and Fire,” Theon Greyjoy starts as a relatively minor character, but as the series progresses he becomes a significant player in Westeros.
History The world you’ve created has a past, and as you write, you become an archaeologist digging up new discoveries. You might find yourself exploring the origins of a society, the lineage of a royal family, or ancient events that shape your current narrative. Tolkien delves deep into the history of Middle-earth, especially with the tales of Númenor and the ancient conflicts between Sauron and the free peoples. This rich history provides a backdrop, but it’s also a rabbit hole.
Subplots New subplots can emerge organically as you write. These secondary storylines can add depth to your story, providing additional layers of intrigue and conflict. The storyline of Brienne of Tarth’s quest to find Sansa is a compelling B-story to “A Song of Ice and Fire.” Her journey and personal code of honor compliments the political and military strategizing of the main plot. A palate cleanser between major events.
Themes As your story evolves, themes can deepen or shift. You might start with a simple exploration of love but find yourself delving into themes of sacrifice, betrayal, or remorse. While the initial theme in “The Lord of the Rings” might be the fight against evil, deeper themes such as the corrupting influence of power, the importance of friendship and loyalty, the dangers of industrialization on the natural world, and the possibility of redemption (as seen in characters like Gollum) emerge.
SettingsThe settings of your story might expand, with new locations coming into play. A single city could become a sprawling world with diverse regions, each with its own culture, unique history, political dynamics, and conflicts. “A Song of Ice and Fire” begins in Winterfell but soon expands to include the Wall, King’s Landing, the Free Cities of Essos, and places beyond the Narrow Sea.
As you can see, these additions made the two epic sagas more captivating and engaging. It opens up more questions for the audience, enticing them to learn more. The key is finding that balance between intriguing and overwhelming. You must stick up for what you want to hold and at the same time not be afraid to cut when you need to.
But even when you cut, it doesn’t mean it needs to be deleted forever. Still we can learn from Tolkien and Martin.
Tolkien’s world-building in “The Lord of the Rings” laid the foundation for The Silmarillion [Amazon], a compendium of myths and legends that detail the ancient history of Middle-earth. Similarly, Martin’s extensive lore in “A Song of Ice and Fire” led to companion books like Fire & Blood [Amazon], which chronicles the history of the Targaryen dynasty from its inception in Valyria to its conquest and rule over Westeros.
In addition to “Fire & Blood,” Martin expanded his world with A Knight of the Seven Kingdoms [Amazon], a collection of three novellas following the adventures of Dunk (Ser Duncan the Tall) and his squire, Egg (the future King Aegon). Set nearly a century before “A Game of Thrones,” these stories provide a glimpse into a different era of Westeros.
And Tolkien had his fair share of companion novels as well including Beren and Lúthien [Amazon] and The Children of Húrin [Amazon], both of which were published posthumously.
What is written is never wasted. What is written can stand the test of time. So, when you trim your work, when you prune the gardens, don’t just throw away the discarded bits. They may be beautiful flowers worthy of a different venue, a different vase.
Extract subplots or character backstories that don’t fit your main narrative and develop them into standalone short stories. These can provide additional context and depth to your main work. Compile them as a collection or publish them independently. Short stories are also a great way to attract a new audience or re-engage old ones.
Use the expanded history and settings as lore to enrich your world-building. This can serve as background information that deepens the reader’s immersion. Build a Wiki for your world and open it up for dialogue, that is what good history does.
When the tale grows in the telling, it can lead to some of the most beautiful and unexpected moments in your writing. It’s a dance between structure and spontaneity, between planning and discovery. Embrace this growth, shape it, and let it enhance your story.
Having your world unfurl freely, as Tolkien and Martin did, allows you to create from a place of passion and authenticity. Even if the audience’s expectations aren’t fully met, the creative satisfaction you gain from exploring your story in depth can be invaluable. In the end, it’s your creative journey. Trust yourself, trust the process, and remember that every twist and turn is part of the adventure. Happy writing!
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As a part of the process of gauging my current cycling level, I decided to do a time trial ride on one of Rouvy’s courses and compare it with the same route in real life. For this experiment, I chose the iconic Stanley Park loop in Vancouver, British Columbia.
Stanley Park is a beloved destination for cyclists in Vancouver. The loop around the park is about 10 kilometers of scenic beauty, featuring coastal views, a hollow tree, and glimpses of the city skyline and the Lion’s Gate Bridge. It’s one of my favorite outdoor spots in the city and just another reason why it’s so great to live in Vancouver. .
And it’s perfect, because for my Olympic distance triathlon later this year, I will be doing four loops of this course, so this is very appropriate training for me.
So let’s get started.
The Virtual Ride: Stanley Park on Rouvy
I decided to start with the virtual ride on Rouvy.
I’ve taken the Stanley Park loop many times before, but doing it virtually was new. My first impression was a good one, the virtual representation was impressively accurate. As I pedaled, I recognized all the turns along the way leading in, and for the first time, I didn’t have to look over my shoulder while cutting across the road.
One major advantage of riding on Rouvy is that I didn’t have to worry about traffic. There were no cars to navigate around, no tourists stepping into the bike lane, and none of the usual park hazards like potholes, speed bumps, or horse droppings. The virtual course was smooth and uninterrupted, allowing me to focus entirely on my performance.
Additionally, I didn’t have to worry about the big hill’s challenging incline or my handling on the big descent. The effort was consistent and controlled, which made it easier to maintain my target power output at about mid 180s, all the way until I reached the hill, where I began pushing it up to the mid 220s. With all that I ended up completing the course in 16:38.7, which is an average speed of 32.5 km/hour.
Not bad, but there is definitely room for improvement, and I can’t help feeling that I might have held back a little.
I do love all the data I get right in front of me on my virtual rides. You see, I don’t have a power meter on my road bike, and I can’t just magically appear at the start line at Stanley Park, I’ll need to ride about 10km to get there, so all of that will play a factor in my performance in real life.
But hey, no excuses.
The Real-Life Ride: Stanley Park in Person
A few days later, I took my bike to Stanley Park to ride the loop in real life. The experience was, as always, invigorating. It’s so nice to get away from the desk and the screens and be outside. However, going all-out on a time trial came with some challenges.
To start, I had to deal with traffic along the first half of the ride. Navigating around cars that were clearly there to do some sight seeing added an extra layer of complexity. I happened to choose a Friday afternoon for this ride, so really it’s my fault.
Additionally, my front chainring was making an annoying sound, which was a constant distraction as I entered the park and started to accelerate.
As I continued, I encountered other riders who were out for a casual ride but were blowing past me effortlessly. This was somewhat demoralizing, especially when I was trying to push as hard as I could, taking this time trial as seriously as I could.
Yes, I was attempting to do this familiar course as quickly as possible, but riding in the real world means being aware of my surroundings and the potential hazards. Other riders, pedestrians, parked cars, little bumps in the road, I’m not skilled enough to just bury my head and push power.
In the real world, I cannot just step off my bike and lie down in bed. I had to gauge how hard to push myself because I didn’t want to blow up halfway and still needed to get home.
Then came the hill. This is the most challenging part of this course, but it was also the section that made this loop so enjoyable. I both look forward to it and dread it.
Here was where I could really put down some effort and make a difference in time, as I usually take this part as lightly as I could to conserve energy. This time, I caught a couple of causal riders on my way up, which gave me some confidence as I headed towards the decent. Even though this was the fastest I’ve ever done the decent, at the end, another rider just flew past me. It goes to show that I had a long way to go.
Still nothing beats the rollercoaster feeling of soaring down that hill. I love it. It’s such a nice rush and — it’s free, all it cost was the power to get up.
In the end, I finished the Stanley Park loop, exactly where the Rouvy course started at just under 21 minutes. 20:58, if I’m not mistaken.
That’s a difference of 4 minutes 20 seconds between Rouvy vs the real world, which to be honest, is pretty good!
I thought with all the factors of the real world, that my time would be much slower.
I’m pretty glad that Rouvy has a virtual course that is local to me as well. Since I will have to do this Stanley Park loop 4 times for my Olympic distance race at the end of the summer, I’m happy that I will have it accessible to practice, and that I can use the real world vs indoor experience to gauge where I am in my training.
If you live close to a Rouvy course, I really recommend you giving this benchmark test a try.
Both Rouvy and real-life rides have their unique advantages. Rouvy is great for its convenience, detailed data analysis, and consistent training conditions, making it perfect for structured workouts and tracking fitness.
On the other hand, riding outside provides a richer experience and there is something to be said about physically moving through space and seeing the world pass by. And it’s important to experience the thrill of travelling over 30 km/hr in real life.
Now that I have my benchmarks, I’m ready to move to the next phase of this project, which is actually going through the workouts. Like I mentioned before, I will be doing the Rouvy FTP Builder workout, which will last 4 weeks. At a glance, it seems pretty hard, but I look forward to it and hopefully, it’ll all be worth it and in the end, I’ll be fitter and more capable on the bike.
Stay tuned! Thanks for joining me on this ride—if you want to follow along on this journey, hit subscribe and check out this playlist right here.
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Hi, I’m Elliot, a writer and age-group triathlete training for a sprint distance triathlon in 5 weeks and an Olympic distance triathlon at the end of summer. But more specifically, I’m here to improve my cycling skills. To achieve this, I’m embarking on a project I call FTP Builder, named after the workout I’ll be taking on in Rouvy, the indoor cycling app. This series will be told in five parts. This is Part 1, entitled: Benchmark.
In order to determine my current level, I decided that I’ll run a few different baseline tests. First will be a test to determine my FTP. I’m sure you already know what an FTP test is, but here’s a quick refresher.
FTP—Functional Threshold Power—is a measure of the highest power output you can sustain for one hour, normalized to your weight. It’s a key metric for cyclists because it helps gauge fitness levels, set training zones, and track progress. For me, understanding my FTP will be crucial because Rouvy will use this data to properly design my FTP Builder training plan.
I’m a pretty light guy, and given my weight of 66 kg, it was recommended I use Rouvy’s Ramp Test Lite, which is designed to provide a solid estimate of my FTP. This will serve as my primary benchmark.
I’m not good with tests, but I did my best to take this one seriously. I got as much rest as I could and picked a weekend with low stress to attempt it. The competitor in me wanted to have a high mark, but I also knew that if I take it to my limit, I’ll just have a higher bar to deal with going forward. Nevertheless, I set off with an attitude to do my best.
As anticipated, the first half was smooth sailing. My heart rate remained steady and manageable as I increased the power output incrementally. Up until the 200-watt mark, I felt strong and in control.
But at 220 watts, things started to get shaky. My heart rate climbed, and the effort required began to take its toll. By the time I hit 230 watts, my legs were starting to feel the strain. Holding that wattage for the full minute became a real struggle.
The default course for this Ramp Test was in Norway. I’m not even going to try to pronounce the name of the region I was riding through. I went up a winding road and saw some nice houses built on the side of cliffs, but really, I wasn’t paying too much attention to my environment. While I like the realism of Rouvy, sometimes the roads in the real world just aren’t that interesting to look at. For most stretches, Norway looks pretty similar to the mountain roads we have in British Columbia. Sometimes scenic, sometimes just a wall of trees.
The test continued, and as I approached the 250-watt mark, I found myself struggling to maintain that power for more than a few seconds at a time. I made occasional bursts of effort, pushing myself to reach higher numbers, but it was clear that I’m at my limit. My heart rate soared past 180 beats per minute, and my primary goal shifted to holding enough power to simply finish the test.
That bit of motivation helped me squeeze out every last bit of energy, allowing me to reach a maximum wattage of 306.
Finally, the test was over, and according to Rouvy, my FTP was calculated to be 225 watts. To be honest, that number feels quite high to me. If FTP is a measure of what I can sustain for an hour, there’s no way I could maintain 225 watts for that duration. However, I’ll take this result as a starting point and see where I can go from here.
So there you have it, my initial benchmark: 225!
In the upcoming episodes of Project: FTP Builder, I’ll be taking on my next benchmark test, which will be comparing the indoor ride on Rouvy with the exact course in the real world. I will be doing a time trial of the Vancouver Stanley Park loop to see how I perform indoor vs. outdoor. This will hopefully help me determine whether my indoor training can be translated to the real world.
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Nearly four years I’ve been working on this project, and it just feels like I’m getting started. It’s a crazy feeling and I know I should be somewhat demoralized, but I’m actually more excited than ever because my story is actually starting to make sense.
During the midst of the pandemic, I wanted to work on a big project, something that will be with me through the good and bad times, a place I’m always welcomed, characters that can stay with me, a story that I can build upon and evolve as I do. I did that. The pandemic came and went and here I am now with pages upon pages of words. Three books in a trilogy. All at different stages of completion.
As I wrote, I loaded so many ideas into the story. It was something of a journal. It was therapy. Anything that I was feeling, anything that was happening in the world, anything that I wanted to learn more about, I put it into the story. Naturally, things went in many different directions.
One can say that I was undisciplined, unorganized, and simply writing by the seed of my pants, and that was all true. I started writing with only one idea, and as I sent the character through trials and tribulations, more and more ideas arised. And I embraced it all, because — even though I had a sense of where I wanted it to end — I didn’t know how I wanted to get there, and more importantly, I was experimenting with the tone and style and flavor of the story.
Now that I have all the drafts in front of me, I see what I want to do clearly. Not only do I know how to style this project, I know what my next projects will be and beyond. But before all of that, there is a lot of work left on this one. Like I said, although there are thousands and thousands of words on the page, many of those words are not the right ones. I think of them as stand-ins for a more specific story that I want to tell. A story that is more focused, more clear. A story that doesn’t meander around like someone at a supermarket with nothing they need to buy.
In other words, I am going to be rewriting everything. From book one which I last left off at draft five to book three which I have just finished writing the first draft long hand and am now transcribing.
I am going to go from beginning to end, from the first word to 300,000th word and make sure that it is all serving the main story that I want to tell. The skeleton is there. It took me 4 years to get it, and it was necessary, because without it, I would have nothing at all. And I cannot say that I could have gotten to this point without all the work I’ve put in previously. So, no, I don’t think that 4 years of work is down the drain, although a more pessimistic side of me would certainly want me to think that.
About a year and a half ago, I came close to abandoning this project, like I have done for many before. But after getting the ending down, and really thinking through what kind of writer I want to be, and what stories I want to tell now and in the future. I’m rejuvenated. I have never felt more clarity than I do now with my creative projects. And I just want it all to happen fast.
Then I remind myself that it took 4 years to get here, and it might take another 4 years to get to the finish line. Which gives me a bit of peace. There is no rush. Maybe some of you out there are waiting for it, but heck, there is a lot of other stuff to read in the meantime. So patience.
Most importantly, I’m enjoying the process again. This project is my highest priority and I’m glad to be able to spend even a few minutes working on it every day. Little by little. Which is all I can ask for as I try to balance work, exercise, mental health, and rest with everything else in life.
I know it’s not interesting to hear someone talk about their unfinished project for over 4 years, but hey, that’s the creative process that is often rarely acknowledged. It’s not exciting. It’s a slow grind. It’s endurance. It’s doing it even when everything else is telling you to stop.
So, that’s where I am. I know where it needs to go now, more than ever. I know the path to take. I know all that. It’s just about going all the way back to the beginning and doing it all over again. Like an actor taking it from the top, so it goes with this project.
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Before we discuss the events in “Men Against Fire,” let’s rewind to the day it was released: October 21, 2016.
In 2016, unmanned Aerial Vehicles, commonly known as drones, underwent significant advancements worldwide, enhancing capabilities for reconnaissance, surveillance, and strike missions.
ISIS employed drones equipped with cameras to gather intelligence on enemy positions, troop movements, and strategic targets, including military installations and civilian areas. By late 2016, ISIS started weaponizing drones, namely against Peshmerga and Western soldiers in Northern Iraq.
This increased fear, as the terrorist group was responsible for over 40 major attacks in 2016, such as those in Brussels, Istanbul, Baghdad, and Nice, resulting in numerous casualties and highlighting their ability to carry out terrorism on a global scale.
But the US army had been using drones for over a decade, and they had some pretty powerful ones, including the MQ-9 Reaper. Equipped with advanced sensors and targeting systems, this $31million aircraft is capable of conducting long-endurance missions and precision airstrikes against ground targets, particularly in counterterrorism operations.
These drones played a crucial role in disrupting ISIS’s operations and eliminating key leaders, such as Hafiz Saeed Khan, stopping him from expanding the terrorist group’s capabilities in Afghanistan and Pakistan. However, drone strikes have also led to the deaths of countless innocent lives. Transparency and accountability are lacking in drone operations, raising concerns about adherence to international law and human rights standards.
Speaking of war and lack of transparency, we must speak of Russia. In December 2016, with Russian support, the Syrian government achieved substantial gains in eastern Aleppo, leading to the evacuation of rebel fighters and civilians to northern Syria, marking a pivotal moment in the conflict.
Of course, Russia was involved in other conflicts, most namely in eastern Ukraine, which was initiated by the annexation of Crimea in 2014. While the Western world was focused elsewhere, Russia was supporting separatist forces despite ceasefire attempts and diplomatic negotiations.
In Afghanistan, the U.S. continued Operation Freedom’s Sentinel in 2016, focusing on counterterrorism efforts against groups like the Taliban and al-Qaeda, while supporting Afghan government stabilization efforts.
The Afghanistan War, beginning in 2001 in response to the 9/11 attacks, stands as the longest war in American history. Under the Biden Administration, the United States officially withdrew its military forces from Afghanistan on August 31, 2021, marking the end of its nearly 20-year military involvement.
Estimates by the Costs of War project at Brown University’s Watson Institute for International and Public Affairs indicate the war’s total cost exceeded $2 trillion from 2001 to 2021, encompassing direct military spending, interest payments on war-related debt, and long-term care for veterans.
And that’s what brings us to this episode of Black Mirror, episode 5 of season 3, Men Against Fire. This episode doesn’t only trigger discussions about the use of technology in combat, and the psychological toll on soldiers — it makes us question the reason for the war itself. Who is leading us down these paths? Why is the momentum of war so hard to stop? And in the end ask, what does victory even look like?
In this video, we’ll explore 3 themes of this episode and determine whether similar events have happened — and if not, whether they are still plausible.
The Optimization of War
In “Men Against Fire,” we’re thrust into a war-torn landscape where soldiers like Stripe are deployed against a mysterious enemy known as the Roaches. The vague reasoning to exterminate them was because they allegedly carried contagious sickness. It’s not until Stripe’s Mass malfunctions that the facade of duty crumbles, revealing a grim reality, the Roaches were people too.
This often overlooked episode resonates with today’s global uncertainties. We’re teetering on the edge of World War III and the enemy is increasingly ambiguous. Warfare is a recurring TV series, renewed each season as long as there’s public support. Governments, whether democratic or dictatorship, rely on propaganda to justify military interventions, stirring fear and rallying citizens to perceived threats from across the border.
Propaganda appeals to patriotism, nationalism, and loyalty as a duty to defend one’s country and uphold its values. Currently in the midst of an invasion, Russia employs a multifaceted approach to garner support for its military actions, both domestically and internationally. Through tightly controlled state-owned media outlets, the government disseminates narratives supportive, framing attacks as necessary measures to protect national interests, counter external threats, and restore stability.
By portraying Russia as a defender of traditional values and a bulwark against perceived Western aggression posed by NATO and geopolitical rivals, Vladimr Putin justifies military actions as preemptive measures to safeguard its interests.
In 2022, the Kremlin spent approximately $1.9 billion in propaganda. It is not cheap to manipulate public opinion, spread misinformation, and undermine trust in Western institutions. But as we will learn, nothing about war is.
According to the U.S. Department of Veterans Affairs , about 11-20% of veterans who served in Operations Iraqi Freedom and Enduring Freedom are diagnosed with PTSD in a given year. Additionally, approximately 12% of Gulf War veterans experience PTSD at some point in their lives, and about 30% of Vietnam veterans have had PTSD.
As of 2022, there are currently 16.2 million veterans in the United States, which makes 20%, 3.24 million people.
In 2023, $139 million of US government spending was invested in Veterans Affairs research programs and $16.6 billion in the Medical Care program to improve access to mental healthcare. Furthermore, the budget allocates $559 million to preventing veteran suicide. There’s no argument about the need for resources, but it’s also a big price to pay to keep the business running.
In 1961, President Dwight D. Eisenhower coined the term the military-industrial complex, which encompasses the symbiotic relationship between the military establishment, defense contractors, and government agencies involved in defense and national security affairs. It perpetuates wars through a combination of profit incentives, political influence, institutional inertia, and security imperatives. Defense contractors benefit financially from ongoing conflicts and arms sales, exerting pressure on policymakers to prioritize military interventions and increase defense budgets.
In this episode, the psychologist Arquette tells Stripe that in the wars of the past, most soldiers don’t fire their weapons on duty, thus extending the war — decreasing he demand for bullets. The Mass was introduced to speed up the process of killing.
The optimization of war is an ongoing development, however, it’s also a double-edged sword, no wait, more like an atomic bomb.
Want to 10x war? Nuke them.
The atomic bomb’s development intensified the arms race between the United States and the Soviet Union during the Cold War era, driving both superpowers to expand their nuclear arsenals and develop more advanced weapons systems. Fight fire with fire.
Quite a conundrum. How can we optimize war without destroying ourselves? How do we find this perfect equilibrium? Surely great leadership will be required. Because the weapon is available and should any of the nuclear powers become backed into a corner, then in order to save itself, there hardly seems to be a reason not to use it. And so it goes with any new weaponry developments.
The challenge remains to hold governments and political powers accountable for their actions and reactions. The momentum of war can leave many victims and there’s not much that public protest can do when the enemies, out for revenge, are knocking at the gates.
This episode of Black Mirror reminds us that when it comes down to it, we don’t get to pick our enemies. They are hardwired into our very existence. We are programmed to hate, fear, and be repulsed by them. But even when we see the light. Even if we become woke, so to speak, it’s too late to stop the waves from crashing. Because even if you are no longer controlled, your perceived enemies are. And in dystopia and war, it’s not a battle of bees. It’s a battle of hives. And sacrifice is necessary to make a return on investment.
Constructing the Others
When Stripe encounters a Roach family, the MASS implant distorts his perception, presenting them as savage creatures instead of individuals pleading for mercy. To protect himself, he slaughters them. This manipulation reduced the soldiers’ sense of guilt or remorse when committing violent acts against the Roaches, resembling real-world tactics where psychological conditioning is employed to rationalize atrocities.
Politicians regularly cultivate an “us vs. them” mentality to create a sense of solidarity among the populace. They use dehumanizing language, stereotypes, and negative portrayals to depict the adversary as inferior, barbaric, or morally reprehensible.
During a speech in Wisconsin on April 2, 2024, Presidential candidate Donald Trump perfectly demonstrates this by using such language to describe migrants from Mexico: “The Democrats say, ‘Please don’t call them animals. They’re humans.’ I said, ‘No, they’re not humans, they’re not humans, they’re animals.”
America is not alone. Europe has also been engulfed by social tensions, xenophobia, and intergroup conflicts.
Perhaps the most dramatic example is the weaponization of migrants at the Belarus-Poland border in 2021. Migrants, predominantly from the Middle East and North Africa, have amassed at the border seeking entry into EU territory, meanwhile Belarusian authorities are accused of enticing or coercing these migrants, aiding their movement to the border under false promises of easier access to the EU. This strategy, attributed to Belarus’s President Alexander Lukashenko, is viewed as a retaliatory measure against EU sanctions imposed on Belarus.
Fear is a great motivator. And diseases are scary. When we see another culture as a disease that can stain generations, then we begin to understand how followers of dictators think.
Before any guns are fired, before any bombs are dropped, it starts as a battle of ideas: fire against fire. Ideas too can spread like diseases. We don’t have to look far, just remember all the arguments we had during the height of COVID-19.
Remember the politicians deflecting blame and responsibility for the spread of the corona virus by scapegoating certain groups? This has included blaming foreign countries, immigrants, ethnic minorities, religious communities, or political opponents for the outbreak or for failing to contain the virus effectively. By portraying these groups as the “other” responsible for the pandemic, politicians gained public support through fear and xenophobia.
Blame is a powerful way of constructing the other. We saw that during COVID, and we saw that on March 22, 2024.
After a Moscow concert hall was attacked by a group of terrorists which led to the death of 137 people, Vladimir Putin pointed the finger to Ukraine, despite the off-shoot of ISIS claiming responsibility. We see this clearly from afar that Putin was relishing in another attempt to maintain his invasion in Ukraine.
However, the West is not above using the blame game for ulterior motives either. An example of this is how the USA used public anger after 9/11 to justify the war in Iraq in search of weapons of mass destruction.
There are few motivations more powerful than revenge. We can trace every critical event through history as one domino piece falling upon another. We saw this after the Oct 7, 2023 attack in Israel from the Islamic militant group, Hamas which has escalated the war in Gaza. We saw this in the decade long war in the Central African Republic. We saw this in the Rohingya Crisis in Myanmar. We see the cause and effect of revenge taking form in all parts of the globe.
Yes, blame is easy when the enemy looks a certain way, but what do we do when the enemies look like us? This is a notable question that the episode poses.
The resurgence of anti-semitism is a concerning one in America, as it encapsulated the cultural descent into darkness.
Despite vows to never allow the atrocities of WWII to happen again, 1 in 5 Americans don’t believe that 6 million Jewish people were murdered during the holocaust. Some thought the number was lower. Others don’t think it happened at all.
On Oct 8, 2022, a sleepy Kanye West went on Twitter and posted about going Defcon 3, a military combat command, on the Jewish people, and then confusingly implies that Jewish people have used their power to bring down anyone who opposes them.
While Kayne’s comment was another piece of evidence of his mental breakdown and personal short-comings, it also emboldened anti semitic groups that seemed to have been living in the shadows waiting in dormant until the time was right for them to rise again. At last, they can openly blame their scapegoat again for all their problems.
Holocaust denial, minimization, and distortion contribute to the normalization of antisemitism and undermine efforts to combat prejudice and intolerance. Pro-Palestine protests across US university campuses are now receiving criticism for walking that fine line.
Facts and lies are both ideas. And in a battle of ideas that is going to last generations, both have an equal chance of winning.
There is no problem in this world that is caused by one group of people. None. Therefore, any solution based around getting rid of or holding captive a group of people will at the end fail to resolve anything more than some personal or political gain.
A strategy built upon blame is often nothing more than a distraction tactic, diverting public attention away from domestic issues, governance failures, or systemic problems within the country.
This episode of Black Mirror is revealing. If you find yourself blaming others or attacking others for life not going your way, you must ask what the governing powers are saying. Are they blaming others to maintain power? Are they using hate to fuel personal gains? As long as we are fighting enemies, we don’t have time to challenge ourselves. We won’t be able to see the monsters we’ve become. We fail to realize that we have only been destroying ourselves the whole time.
Pleasure Dreams and Tortured Memories
In sleep, Stripe is rewarded with a dream sequence depicting intimate moments with his lover as positive reinforcement for his performance in combat. However, after his Mass got infected, it becomes evident that these dreams are tools to maintain soldiers’ loyalty and compliance, blurring the lines between reality and manufactured fantasies.
Sigmund Freud, often regarded as the father of psychoanalysis, made significant contributions to the study of dreams with his groundbreaking work “The Interpretation of Dreams,” published in 1899.
One of Freud’s central concepts in dream analysis is the idea of wish fulfillment. He proposed that dreams serve as a way for the unconscious mind to fulfill repressed wishes or fantasies that are unacceptable or unattainable in waking life. In that, there is great reward for one to tap into the ability to control their dreams.
The term “lucid dreaming” was first coined by Dutch psychiatrist and writer Frederik van Eeden in 1913. Van Eeden used the term “lucid” to describe dreams in which the dreamer is aware of being in a dream state while the dream is occurring. He documented his own experiences with lucid dreaming and described various aspects of this phenomenon in his writings, one of which was a vivid flying experience.
One key aspect of lucid dreaming is reality testing, where individuals question their waking reality by performing checks like looking at their hands or trying to read text. This habit can extend into dreams, enabling lucid dreamers to recognize when they are dreaming and take control of their dream experiences.
If we can learn to control our dreams, then what is the likelihood that machines can control our dreams?
Research into the effects of non-invasive brain stimulation techniques, such as transcranial electrical stimulation (tES) and transcranial magnetic stimulation (TMS), on dreaming has shown potential modulation of dream recall, intensity, and emotional content.
Electroencephalography (EEG) technology, used by institutions like The Society for Neuroscience (SfN), allows researchers to monitor sleep-related brain activity, providing insights into sleep stages and patterns, although it does not directly reveal dream content.
Government-funded organizations such as the United States Army Medical Research and Development Command (USAMRDC) and the Defense Advanced Research Projects Agency (DARPA) focus on researching various aspects of sleep, including sleep disorders, sleep optimization, and the impact of sleep on cognitive and physical performance in military personnel.
Sleep is critically important for soldiers due to its multifaceted impact on their physical recovery, cognitive function, emotional resilience, situational awareness, physical performance, and overall health. While the military wants to reward good sleep for their soldiers, they can also deprive sleep as a weapon.
Sleep deprivation is a powerful torture technique. Prolonged sleep deprivation leads to physical and mental exhaustion, weakening resistance to stress and increasing vulnerability to coercion. Hallucinations and psychosis may occur, exacerbating the individual’s distress and compromising their ability to discern reality.
During the Cold War, Soviet KGB agents were known to use sleep deprivation extensively as a method of breaking down detainees’ resistance and extracting information. Such methods to keep detainees awake include continuous interrogation, physical discomfort, noise and light exposure, temperature manipulation, threats, food and water deprivation, physical stress, and psychological manipulation.
Similarly, in more recent times, reports have emerged of sleep deprivation being used as a tactic in Guantanamo Bay and other detention facilities during the War on Terror.
If one can control our dreams to instill pleasure, then they can use nightmares for punishment.
Nightmares can disrupt sleep, cause emotional distress upon waking, and may be associated with underlying psychological issues, stress, trauma, or anxiety disorders. While nightmares can be triggered by PTSD, the most plausible method a third-party can apply to control your nightmares would be with drugs.
Some medications, including antidepressants, antipsychotics, and beta-blockers, may have side effects that contribute to the occurrence of nightmares or oneiroid syndromes, where a person is trapped in a dream-like experience often unable to move or distinguish between what is real and what is a hallucination.
One example was of a 67-year-old woman with a history of prolonged depression, untreated for over a year, was prescribed a daily dose of 20 mg paroxetine. However, after 16 days, she required hospitalization due to behavioral disruptions and delusional beliefs that she was being pursued by malicious individuals. Further evaluation revealed that these delusions stemmed from recurring nightmares and an oneiroid state.
This episode is a great reminder that our brains are easily influenced. How we interact with others, what we see in the media, and other ways we feed our minds in wakefulness and rest may lead us to salvation or doom.
While it may be a scary thought that technology can tap into our brains and manipulate our senses, looking at the world around us, and seeing the horrors committed on a daily basis, one can say that advanced technology isn’t even necessary. There are already many existing methods of controlling a person, radicalizing them to turn against their own.
While Men Against Fire is an often forgotten episode, it is so relevant because it touches on the theme of dehumanization. In today’s context, where misinformation, social media echo chambers, and targeted content can distort reality and fuel polarization, the message about the power of perception and manipulation is particularly poignant.
It serves as a cautionary tale about the dangers of unchecked influence, the importance of critical thinking, and the ethical considerations surrounding technology and perception management in our increasingly digital and interconnected world.
So before you sign the next contract, before you get a loan, before you vote, or make a commitment, ask yourself, who’s pushing you to do so?
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I’m a bit of a masochist. Putting myself through a painful race in Zwift has been surprisingly enjoyable, but… I know it will be so much better if all the effort can result in a win… or something close.
The something close at the moment is just to stay in the lead pack so that I can even contend for the win at the end. There’s a long way to go. That’s why I started this four-race project where I aim to “Close the Gap” whenever it emerges and analyze my performance to make improvements each week.
Hopefully, by the end of these four races, I’ll either be able to keep up with the lead pack or, at the very least, figure out what I’m doing right or wrong. I want to understand how far I am from reaching that goal and what training I’ll need to do to get there eventually.
I call this Project: Don’t Get Dropped.
Let’s begin.
Chapter 1: The Ups and Downs
Race: Stage 1: Race Like A Champ (C) – Rolling Highlands in Scotland
The race started off really fast. I had to hit over 300 watts to catch up with the lead group. My strategy for this one was to focus on a high cadence and hopefully that will make it easier to maintain higher power. Let’s see if it works.
After catching the peloton, my focus shifted to conserving energy wherever possible. Still, the pace was fast and I constantly teetered on the edge of losing the pack, so I was really saying my prayers at this point. With two laps, this race was going to be a grind and didn’t want to blow up too early.
At the 6:45 mark of the race, the pace increased as we went up an incline. I spun as quickly as I could but the lead was getting away. A minute later, the lead pack was gone, out of sight, and I was left with a small group chasing.
There were about 10 of us and we got nice and cozy with each other. It seemed that we were all content hitting this pace. I was far from content, I was at my threshold. I’m really kicking myself for pressing so hard to chase the lead pack up that hill because now I’ll need to exert so much energy just to keep with this small group. A lot of wasted energy in this race already, but at least I wasn’t alone.
My current objective was to secure the highest possible position. This meant outlasting the racers beside me, so I accelerated when necessary and conserved energy whenever possible.
In this course, there were a few hilly sections. Based on my experience of getting dropped at the beginning, I understood that these hills would be where breaks occurred and my fate would be determined.
When I got a feather power up, I saved it for the bigger hills coming up to attack, namely the one that came at the 18:39 mark when we had to climb up into the castle to end the first lap. Now I knew, a hill will certainly decide my fate, and while I hoped I’d be attacking at the very end, I was also preparing myself to defend as well. So I stayed in the group, not wanting to make any dramatic moves.
Then it happened. Around the 24-minute mark, I sensed that the group was beginning to struggle to stay together. When the elastic stretched, it really stretched, giving me the impression that some individuals in the group were fresher than others. To be honest, I was feeling generally good. Not great, but I still believed I had the energy to keep going. I could indeed attack!
When a break occurred at the 25-minute mark, I moved to the front and then let the group catch up. I played this game for a bit where I surged ahead and then allowed them to catch me. My aim was to gauge the strength of the other racers and entice them into making a move with over 6 kilometers to go. However, they didn’t take the bait, so the 10 of us stayed together.
Then we began catching racers who were ahead of us, including those who had been dropped from the lead pack. We were swallowing them. And this felt good! This was really motivating and it really helped me push to another level. So I was like, “good bye, group, I’m going to start eating the rest of them.” I’m using each person ahead as a little carrot to chase and so I went.
At the 30-minute mark, I’m climbing up the hill, using my feather power-up in an attempt to break away from the chase pack once and for all. It’s every person for themselves now. We are chasing going as fast as we can, and I start moving up the ranks. Then, I find myself alone at the front. It was a mistake. Now, these two guys are riding my wheel, and there’s nothing I can do about it.
I’m pushing hard, leading the way, and I’m a bit frustrated because this guy is using his draft power-up on me. I knew I had to keep going, but I felt taken advantage of. To make matters worse, the guy who used me moved ahead and started receiving Ride Ons. All I could do was laugh.
The race was really on now. It was just me against these three guys. They seemed to have plenty left in the tank as they powered up the hill. This was it, the moment where the game would be decided. I pushed hard up the hill, using my feather power-up.
I was really feeling it, with music pumping in my ears, giving it everything I had. But my two nemesis were ahead. I tried my best to catch up, and with 800 meters left, I managed to pull even. But it was short-lived. They zoomed past me again. It was heartbreaking. I’ve burned a significant match. There was no way I could reel them back in now. All I could do was hold onto my position. That’s all that mattered in the final 500 meters — not letting anyone pass me. So, I dug deep, pushing through the last 300 meters with a cadence of 138, determined to maintain my place.
This was one of the most intense efforts I’ve ever pushed myself through on Zwift so far. So much so that I had to shout at the very end. It took everything and the punishment felt good. Despite being dropped during the race, I managed to claw my way to a result that I consider respectable. I finished 35/83 and 27/46 on Zwift Power. Respectable.
However, it also dawned on me just how difficult this project is. After all, I was only able to keep up with the lead group for just under 7 minutes, which was less than a third of the race. Therefore, my goal for the next race is clear: I hope to stay with the lead group for a longer duration.
Chapter 2: The Hangover
Race: Stage 2: Race Like A Champ (C) -Richmond Rollercoaster in Richmond
This was the first race that I didn’t want to do.
The night before, I was drinking — and although you’ll never be able to tell — I woke up slightly hungover. With all that being said, I was not expecting a stellar performance.
Look, I take these races as seriously as I can, but one thing I want to make clear is that I’m not trying to be some professional athlete. I want to be an athlete that is able to do everything. A dilettante-athelete of sorts. I want to be able to go out drinking and wake up the next morning and still race the best race I can under those realistic circumstances. Now that the excuses are out of the way, let’s get to the starting line.
The race took off and I felt pretty good. But that feeling only lasted about 2 and a half minutes. That was when we started to ascend this hill that went as high as 11%. My strategy of maintaining a high cadence wasn’t effective. Similar to the last race, I found myself struggling on the climbs, and despite my light weight, this aspect is becoming my Achilles’ heel. Whatever approach I’m currently using to tackle these hills isn’t working.
Although I managed to recover from being dropped on the first hill, the second hill caused the race to stretch out too much. The lead pack had disappeared, and despite my efforts to descend quickly, even with my aero power-up, I couldn’t catch up with them. At least not today.
I was pretty frustrated by the time we got onto the straight stretch leading into the fan flat section. I allowed a small group of Canadian and German riders from behind to catch up with me and the six of us rode together in hope of picking off a few stragglers such as this Polish rider at 12:29.
Perhaps there was a chance to catch up with the pack that was about 10-15 seconds ahead. I believed that if we truly worked together, we could have closed the gap. However, there wasn’t much collaboration within this group. It seemed like most of them were content to maintain the current pace.
I was frustrated because I wanted to chase… but I knew I couldn’t do it alone. Every time I surged to the front, I could feel them drafting behind me, especially Schuster. If I pushed too hard on my own, I’d risk burning out, and they seemed all too happy to let that happen.
At the 18:21 mark, we lost our chance to catch up, and seeing them comfortably enjoying my draft only made me angrier. Fine, I thought. We won’t chase. That’s when my attitude turned vindictive. My goal shifted from merely avoiding being dropped to beating Schuster. It was the first time my frustration had blinded me from forming any real strategy.
We all stayed together right until the final kilometer. I bided my time, keeping a close watch on Schuster. The break occurred with 500 meters to go, and it was intense. The Polish rider made a move, followed by Schuster. Unbelievable! I increased my pace, and for a moment, we managed to reel everyone back in. Then, with 300 meters left, Hemming and the Polish rider pulled away. It was just me with the other two Canadians, and Schuster trailing behind.
With 200 m left, I dug deep. My cadence soared to 134, and my watts peaked at 338. That effort propelled me across the finish line, second to last in the group… beating Schuster. I felt good for only a short moment. I realized that hey, Schuster was probably suffering as much as I was, and there was never a reason I should have been frustrated with him. While he was the one riding my wheel at that moment, the whole group ended up beating us. I was focused on the wrong person, and that was a mental mistake.
I finished 29th in the race, but on Zwift Power, I placed 23rd. It wasn’t a bad result; in fact, it was my best in Group C. However, this race didn’t unfold as I had planned. The Richmond Rollercoaster, being an event-only route, wasn’t one I could preview beforehand. While I anticipated some hills, I didn’t expect them to be so challenging.
Not good at climbs. Not good at hills. This race was an eye-opener for me. If the goal of this project is to avoid getting dropped, then I really need to focus on the climbs, because that’s where I’m losing the group.
Now that I know this, how I use this information is crucial. I’m throwing away the high cadence strategy. Instead, I’m going to concentrate on generating more power at a lower cadence, particularly when climbing hills. Let’s see if this adjustments make a difference. To be continued.
Chapter 3: The Race That Almost Didn’t Happen
Race: Stage 3: Race Like A Champ (C) The Muckle Yin in Scotland
This race almost didn’t happen.
Allow me to get things going and then I’ll tell the story. Off we go.
Two days ago, when I was getting ready to ride on Zwift, I ran into a problem: my bike couldn’t connect properly to the app. I tried restarting the bike computer, deleting and reinstalling the Zwift app, even downloading Zwift on different devices. But no matter what I did, whenever I tried to connect the Power, Resistance, and Cadence to the bike, it would start glitching out, turning itself on and off. I reached out to the bike company’s customer support, but all they offered was to send them an email. Either way, I was pretty choked that I might not be able to continue with this project.
Then the next day, I continued troubleshooting the bike with a fresh mind. I returned to Zwift. I turned on only Power, and it worked. Next, I added Cadence, and it worked too. However, when I attempted to activate Resistance, it didn’t work. That’s the problem. Apparently the Resistance was causing the bike to trip out. Why? I don’t know. Could it be related to the clicking sounds in the previous video? Maybe. Eitherway, I didn’t want to troubleshoot it any more. Everything works except that I can no longer use the Resistance feature. Well, there you have it. C’est la vie.
Needless to say, I was relieved to be able to ride this race, and that I’m on Zwift at all.
Anyways, back to the action. During my test ride of The Muckle Yin, I discovered that there will be two big hill climbs in this course that can absolutely blow up the race. My plan this time was to grind hard on the hills, give it full power with a low cadence. During the last race I found that high cadence and lower gear didn’t give me enough. So this time let’s try the opposite.
I’m pretty pleased with how I managed to keep up with the pack this time, especially during that first decent-sized climb around the 4.5km mark. It’s actually the longest I’ve ever managed to stick with the lead pack in Cat C, but… I wasn’t feeling great. My heart rate was already over 180 bpm, and with two big climbs still ahead, I knew I was in trouble. My plan to push as hard as I could up the big hill might not even be doable. Still, I hung in tight, allowed myself to chill a bit and give it my best shot when the climb came.
And it happened around the 13 minute mark. I did exactly what I had planned: lower cadence, bigger gears. I pushed as hard as I could, even activated the Featherweight power, and suddenly found myself leading the pack. My power shot up to 280, but then, as I turned a corner, I made a fatal mistake. I eased off the gas. That gave the racers at the back a chance to catch up. To keep up with the pack that was now pulling away, I had to burn a big match, pushing myself up to 300 watts. Although I managed to hang on for a bit, I knew deep down it was over. Slowly but surely, the race started slipping away from me. I was getting dropped on the descent.
The elastic band stretched out, and just like that I found myself at the tail end of it. I’m rapidly losing positions. I had once been ahead, now I’m in 26. And those climbs just kept coming. I pushed hard, but I’ve been burning matches since the climb began. My heart rate is at 185, and now I’m all by myself. I could push as hard as I wanted, but there was no catching the lead group. The saga of me riding solo continues.
The funny thing about this race was, there wasn’t even a chase pack trying to catch up with me. It felt like everyone was spread out so far, and unless you were right up front, you were pretty much on your own. Three of these lone riders managed to pass me along the way: one at the 18-minute mark, another at 20 minutes, and finally one more at 29 minutes. But other than them, I was alone the rest of the time.
I was fried at this point. Even though I had dropped my watts significantly for the last 10 minutes, I just couldn’t catch a second wind. All I could manage was to keep the fourth guy from passing me. That was all the motivation I had at this point, but NO! Literally. He caught me at 33 min and then dropped me as we climbed the second big hill. So, in the final stretch of the race, I couldn’t afford to think about the people ahead of me. It was all about damage control now. I had to fend off Santos and Stickman, who were hot on my tail just 3 seconds behind.
At 35 minutes, Stickman suddenly surged ahead of me. I pushed harder—I couldn’t let him slip away. I even deployed my featherweight power-up. But no matter how much effort I put in, he kept getting smaller and smaller in the distance. How many more matches did I have to burn? Just one more? I knew I had to save that one for now.
As we entered Glasgow, I was more than ready for this race to be over. It’s funny how that works sometimes with endurance sports. I was so worried I wouldn’t even get to participate, but now that I’m here, I’m just eager for it to end. That was how I felt going into the final two km of this race. I spent so much of it alone and just killing myself. I just wanted it to be over. That’s what fueled me. The faster I go, the better chance I have of beating Santos, sure, but also the sooner I can stop altogether.
In the final stretch, I felt the urgency and use up that last match I’d been holding onto. Even though Santos was 10 seconds behind, I pretended he was right on my tail. I pushed harder. I was just done.
What an absolutely grueling race. Possibly one of the toughest I’ve ever endured. The crazy part is, it began so promising but ended in disappointment. Yet, the results weren’t all that terrible: unofficially 28th out of 65, and 22nd out of 38 on Zwift Power. Maybe I deserved a better outcome, but truthfully, I just didn’t pace myself correctly. I pushed too hard early on, burnt myself out, and couldn’t bounce back, so it was pure agony for the remainder of the race.
While it seemed like a solid strategy to go all out on the hill, it turned out I wasn’t quite ready to pull it off effectively, so it’s back to the drawing board for me. Pushing as hard as I could for as long as I could just isn’t possible. I had to break the race down into parts, keeping gas in the tank, and just tackle each hill at my own pace. A lot to think about before the next and final race in this series. I really want to see an improvement.
Chapter 4: Interval Training
Stage 4: Race Like a Champ (C) Knickerbocker in New York
I was quite annoyed by this Series, not only did they have all these hills, exposing a weakness that I didn’t know I had, it also cancelled a race that I had scheduled.
Zwift had initially stated that the Race Like A Champ series would run until March 3, but on Feb 26, any races from this Series after Feb 29 disappeared without warning.
Alright, fine. No big deal, I thought. I just had to reschedule it for a Wednesday evening. It wasn’t the most ideal timing, considering I’d have already worked a full day, but adapting to unforeseen circumstances is just part of this whole project. Yes, I was getting dropped left and right, both in-game and out.
Anyways, after the terrible experience last race, my main goal this time was simply to feel better during the second half. I needed a clear plan that would keep me competitive but also allow me to survive the latter part with some energy left.
There were several challenges I faced. First, the race wasn’t scheduled at an ideal time, as I mentioned earlier. Plus, the course featured a massive climb right in the middle. That climb would ultimately determine how the race went for me. I realized I needed to change my mindset. Instead of viewing it solely as a race, I had to approach it more like a workout. After all, I knew I could get through a workout.
The race began, and I managed to stick with the group. Great! Now, it was time to put my plan into action. I wasn’t racing; I was doing interval training. I’d push hard for 15-20 seconds, then give myself a moment to rest, reassess the race situation, and then push hard again for another 15-20 seconds. If I do this the whole way through I should be able to survive.
At 4:30 in, as the lead pack approached a climb, I timed it perfectly to push hard just as we hit the incline. However, the front of the pack still broke away with about 15 riders, leaving me behind. “Not again,” I thought. I could have kept chasing after them, but that would have meant abandoning my interval training plan and likely burning out quickly. “No,” I decided, “I will stick with my plan, and when I come to the big KOM at the middle of the race, I would be thankful.”
So I kept going, pushing hard and then giving myself a rest. I’d push all the way into the upper 200s and then ease off, dropping back down to the lower 200 watts and allowing my heart rate to come down to the 170s. This approach was proving effective, as I managed to secure 12th place at the start of the KOM. I considered this to be a respectable position. Anything more now will be a bonus.
I stuck with my strategy: push hard, then ease up. I’m genuinely amazed by how well it’s working, and it’s incredibly satisfying to catch a few racers along the way. It would have been tempting to keep pushing hard, but whenever I felt like I was nearing my limit, I dialed it back. Before I knew it, I found myself in 10th place, feeling energized. Climbing suddenly felt more manageable.
At the 16-minute mark, I caught sight of Blake and Castro. They appeared to be really strong riders, and I was amazed that after the initial break, I was able to catch up to them. Now, I was determined to stick with my interval training. Even if I let up and they passed me again, I knew I could surge and catch up with them. That’s exactly what I did with Blake—and then Castro. With them now in the rearview mirror, I felt good. But what next? The next rider was over 20 seconds ahead, and the climb was over. My hope was that I could make up some ground on the descent. This posed a new challenge for me because I needed the descent to recover.
I activated the Anvil power-up. Never having used it before, I thought the best time for it would be during the descent. However, I soon learned that might not be the case. By the time I reached the bottom of the climb, I hadn’t closed the gap on the rider ahead at all. At this point, I was kind of mad at myself because once again, I found myself all alone. This sucks. While my interval strategy had worked, it seemed this was as good as it could get me. My effort was waning, and being alone after such an emotional climb left me feeling a little discouraged, especially since I could feel Blake and Castro hot on my tail.
At the 25:50 mark of the race, the two of them caught up with me. The big move I made on the climb to drop them now didn’t matter. They clawed their way back, and they were pushing harder than I wanted to. I returned to my strategy. Intervals.
Just like before, each time I caught them on a hill, I’d push past them. Then, on the descent, they would catch up. My goal was for them to try to keep up with me on the climb, allowing me to wear them out before I exhausted myself. This course was full of these little climbs on the last stretch, and each time I pushed hard, I felt like I was a boxer throwing a punch at an opponent.
However, each time they pulled ahead, I felt like I was backed against the ropes. It almost seemed like Castro and Blake were teaming up against me. I understand—I’m the one trying to outpace them on the climbs.
On and on we went, attack, counterattack, defense. Defense. I was fading as we closed in on the last mile. No more intervals; I needed to prepare myself for the final sprint. It happened at the 300-meter mark: the two of them pulled away together, and they both activated the Anvil! What? I didn’t even think to use that power-up at the sprint. It was a rookie mistake. I should have saved that power-up, and if I had, I might have caught up with them. I pushed all the way into the 400s, but it wasn’t enough.
I finished 10th out of 32 and 9th out of 17 on Zwift Power. Very respectable results. But somehow, losing that sprint at the end left a sour taste in my mouth. I nearly executed the plan as perfectly as I could, but an unexpected detail cost me the race. I should have done more research on what the Anvil power-up did and how to best use it.
Props to Castro and Blake. It was nice racing against other riders who clearly have a different set of strengths. And that’s something I’m learning from these races; it’s not just about riding as hard as possible. You need to adjust according to everything that’s happening, and pushing too hard at the wrong point can be costly.
There you have it Project: Don’t Get Dropped was a failure, but not without a lot of valuable insight and experience. I have a pretty good idea of where my weaknesses are now, which is pretty much everywhere, but with that being said, I’m also seeing progress. I’m trying things and iterating. This has been a really fun experiment this way, and it’s nice having the data to validate what is working and what isn’t.
While there are some takeaways I can apply to my next race, I recognize that what I really need is more practice and training. A game plan can only take me so far. When it comes to sports, sometimes you just need to be more fit.
Shortly after this project, Zwift stopped connecting to my bike. According to the bike company, due to some software update, Zwift thinks the bike is a treadmill. Until another update is available, I will need to use another indoor cycling app.
So, to be continued…
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Flash back to early 2021. We were still in the midst of covid, the world felt like it was falling apart, and NFTs were the latest thing. While many people got into NFTs for the non fungible aspect of the token, I was most inspired by the digital art.
The one that captivated my imagination the most was, of course, Beeple and his Everydays. I aspired to pursue something similar myself, perhaps not constrained to the daily format of Everydays, but a creative endeavor like that sounded so rewarding.
March 7, 2021 I started this project as nothing more than to practice drawing. I bought myself the cheapest tablet [Amazon] I could from Amazon and off I went. Drawing Pokemon.
While I haven’t reached the end just yet, it feels like I’m already on my victory lap. I’m going to finish—I will finish. And I’m already contemplating life after this project. I believe that creating this video to commemorate how far I’ve come will spur me to double my efforts and reach the finish line before they introduce another generation.
Admittedly, what began as a commitment to draw every day has somewhat waned in priority over the past few months. Because here’s the truth, I’m ready to draw something else.
So, what is this video about?
Well, I want to share how I’ve reached this point by highlighting the 9 phases I went through to draw these 900 Pokémon. I’ll delve into the various styles I’ve chosen, the techniques I’ve learned, and how they’ve sustained me throughout the project thus far. Let’s start at the beginning.
1. The crude phase:
When I began this project, I wanted to dive in fast. Looking back, I see I could’ve put more effort into those early stages. But I also knew that to tackle such a big project, I needed to get the ball rolling. That’s always been my style when starting something new: seize the moment and make the most of it while you’re feeling motivated.
Reflecting on it now, I didn’t completely rush through them, I did spend quite some time on these crude drawings, just easing into the whole experience of using a drawing tablet. While I’ve used Photoshop before for photo manipulation, I’ve never used it for illustration. It took me a bit to stumble upon the fact that in Photoshop, I could tap into new brushes, and once I did, it was like unlocking thousands of new possibilities. This phase was an exciting start.
After the first 100 or so, I was getting pretty obsessed with trying as many different brushes as I could. At the same time, I was playing around with the format, adding backgrounds, and experimenting with composite images and integrating them into the drawings. This phase saw me coloring the Pokemon on separate layers, which really sharpened everything up.
Eventually, I came across a brush that clicked for me. It’s this thick, inky wet one that feels incredibly satisfying to use— the thickness varies based on how much pressure I apply. I really liked it. It was around this point that I realized I was fully committed to this project, and I knew there was no turning back.
At the beginning of this phase, I noticed a shift. The initial excitement surrounding the project had dwindled, and despite sharing it with others, there was little in the way of fanfare or recognition. From here on, it was going to be a slog— just me, myself, and the next Pokémon to draw.
To inject some interest into the process, I began timing myself to see how fast I could complete each drawing. By adding this extra layer of pressure, I turned the practice into a game. It added some excitement, and for a while, I gauged progress not only by style, technique, or quality, but also by the time it took to create each piece.
Over 250 days into the project, I worked up the courage to try Adobe Illustrator. It took me a while to grasp the intricacies of this new tool. It fundamentally altered my perspective on illustrating, shifting my focus from lines to shapes and seeing art — and life — in a completely different way. Throughout this phase, I found myself toggling between Photoshop and Illustrator, exploring and determining which format, style, and software suited me best.
Some of my most memorable illustrations were made during this time, but I sometimes forget which software I used until I look harder. This discovery proved that working with Illustrator is not only faster but also more consistent compared to Photoshop when using my cheap Amazon drawing tablet. Additionally, I started testing the waters of animation around this time, and Illustrator just gave me more control.
The animation phase wasn’t a long one but it was big one for me. I learned to use Adobe Animate and it was some of the most fun I had. While I thoroughly enjoyed the animation process, it added complexity to the daily task, making it more time-consuming. Still, I’m glad I was able to use this project to learn this technique and test out the software.
This phase was a mix of everything, Photoshop, Illustrator, different brushes, some with lines some without. I was searching for my style at this point and I couldn’t really pick one. So I just bounced around, practicing old tricks and trying new stuff.
That’s how I kept myself invested. This leg of the project was all about having the freedom to do whatever I wanted and adjusting whenever I felt the image would look better in a certain way. And with this freedom, I saw a lot of progression during this time, which gave me confidence to branch out further to find my style.
I found myself devoting increasingly more time to Illustrator and less to Photoshop at this stage. The next significant leap for me was delving into the 3D effects filters in Illustrator. This was a lot of fun and I really got a kick out of it. During this phase, I had the ambition to learn Blender, but I hit a roadblock and I couldn’t even get through making the Donut.
Following the 3D effects, I began incorporating the Grain effect more frequently and experimenting with the Transparency effect to add texture to the illustrations. I really enjoyed how a lot of these turned out, but there were a lot of misses during this phase as well.
Arguably the most extensive phase of this entire project thus far is what I’ve dubbed the “3 Point Stroke” phase, where I used the level 3 setting for line thickness. It was hard to say that this was becoming my style, but I did enjoy using this line thickness aesthetically and I don’t know, I was also kind of over experimenting at this point. I simply wanted to find my rhythm and maintain consistency. The daily time commitment was wearing out, especially considering I had been immersed in this project for over 2 years by this point.
It was also during this generation of Pokémon where they became more detailed and harder to draw. This meant that some took considerably more time to create. While there were Pokémon that were essentially circles with eyes, there were also ones like Celesteela.
Finally, we arrive at the current phase. No, I’m not using AI to draw my Pokemon. I am still handcrafting each and every one using mostly the Point 3 Stroke thickness, however, I am also now returning to my experimental ways, and I’m doing that by incorporating AI into my creations.
I want to just stay in the loop and see the capabilities of Adobe’s built-in tools. This way, when the time comes to transition to other projects, I’ll be well-versed in them. Initially, I started with generating random images, but now I’m getting the hang of prompting backgrounds that don’t look awful. They are far from perfect, but they are pretty cool and it is interesting to see what the future holds.
The goal of this project was to do something consistently and hopefully get something out of it. Like the Pokemon themselves, this experience has been an evolution. So much of my life has changed, but this project has been a constant, something I could always fall back on when I get the overwhelming feeling, this restlessness that I have when I need to do something, but not sure what to do first. Drawing a Pokemon was always an option that didn’t require too many decisions. It’s nice knowing that I’ll always have another one lined up.
It has also been a reliable platform for me to try new things. There was no right or wrong when doing this. If I make a mistake and the Pokemon turns out awful, no problem, there will always be tomorrow. I make a conscious effort not to retract and edit a picture once it’s published. Once it’s out there, it’s out there.
So, 900 Pokemons down, a little over a hundred to go. The journey continues, this reflection is a nice little boost to keep me going. The big question now is: What will be my final phase of drawing Pokemon?
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I have this voice in my head. Everyday, I wake up and it starts talking at me. Sometimes the voice sounds like my parents, sometimes it sounds like a teacher, sometimes it sounds like the bully in high school, but most of the time, it disguises itself as a well-intentioned friend. But this voice is not friendly. This voice is not caring. This voice is hurtful, destructive, and patronizing.
Every day, I battle this voice in my head. Some days, I win and some days, there is no victory, there is only survival, and I come to the end of the day wounded and weak, only capable of going to sleep and hoping to go to war again the next day.
Today, I’m going to share what the negative voice in my head tells me, as an act of recognition, of retaliation, and then share approaches to silence them. These tactics don’t always work, but as much as we need to focus on honing our craft and developing hard skills, we also need to strengthen our mental muscles. Doing so enables us to break free from the self-fulfilling prophecy that society has conditioned us to accept, which keeps us weak and compliant. I hope this helps you.
1. Everyone hates you:
It’s easy to fall into the trap of believing that everyone is against you, that the world is conspiring to bring you down. But pause for a moment and consider: Is it truly everyone? Or is it perhaps a few voices amplified by your own insecurities? Remember, perception isn’t always reality.
Don’t waste energy trying to win favors or impress those that will never be on your side. An away team doesn’t try to get the fans in the arena to cheer for them, they know that they are playing for the people back home. And so it goes, find your home team. Instead of dwelling on imagined hatred, focus on nurturing genuine connections with those who uplift you.
2. You’re not good enough:
Ah, the relentless refrain of self-doubt. The voice in my head loves telling me how I’m not as good as this person and that I’m not as rich as that person, and that so-and-so did that when they were half my age.
Yes, it’s easy to get caught up in the comparison game, measuring our worth against arbitrary standards of success. But here’s the thing: My value isn’t contingent upon accolades or achievements. While what’s her name or whosits did this or that, they haven’t lived my life, gone through my struggles, overcame my challenges, and done everything that I’ve done. What is good enough anyways? I want to ask the voice. It’s human nature to always want more. That’s why we must embrace our strengths, acknowledge our flaws, and remember that enough is enough.
3. Everyone is laughing at you:
My special power is that I don’t get embarrassed, however, when you are laughed at in public, it really affects your social standings. Suddenly, you become the butt of jokes and your opinions hold no sway.
That’s why the voice in my head reminds me that being laughed at is awful and that I should question my every move. But here’s the truth: Most people are too preoccupied with their own lives to spend time laughing at yours. And even if someone does find your actions, your dreams, and your ambitions funny, their opinions hold no power over you either. Embrace vulnerability, knowing that it takes courage to be authentic in a world that often values conformity.
4. You should apologize for what you did:
All my life I have gotten in trouble because someone with authority thought that I was out of bounds. Their voices echo in my head today, demanding that I feel shame for merely existing and that I should apologize to anyone and everyone around me as my life is a nuisance.
Owning up to our mistakes is a vital part of personal growth, but there’s a fine line between accountability and self-flagellation. I continue to walk this line everyday, knowing that any misstep I take may be called out and suddenly I’m back in sixth grade detention. The fact of the matter is, I will make mistakes and I may never do better. The voice in my head knows this and it tortures me. But… I’ll try… I’ll try to be kind to myself as I try to learn from my mistakes. And for that I’m not sorry.
5. You haven’t accomplished anything:
Feeling stuck, like you’re not going anywhere while others move forward, can be suffocating. In a world where success often means achieving specific goals, it’s easy to think your efforts are pointless if you haven’t reached those milestones.
But success comes in different forms, and it’s not just about getting awards or recognition from others. It’s not about owning a house or getting some fancy title at work. It’s not about having kids in some prestigious university or traveling the world.
Take a moment to think about your journey so far. Maybe you haven’t achieved everything you hoped for, but think about the tough times you’ve gone through, the obstacles you’ve conquered, and the lessons you’ve learned. Every experience, whether good or bad, has helped shape who you are today. The voice in your head tends to overlook those things when criticizing you.
6. Stop bragging:
Oh the voice in my head loves telling me to stop talking about everything I’ve done, because god forbid someone else feels jealous. I enjoy speaking of my achievements, who doesn’t? But the voice in my head does a good job diminishing my work, especially having heard countless people tell me throughout my life not to be such a show-off.
Only now, I’m reminding myself that celebrating your achievements isn’t bragging; it’s acknowledging your hard work and resilience. Don’t shrink yourself to make others feel comfortable. Your successes are worthy of celebration, and sharing them can inspire others to pursue their own dreams. Remember, humility isn’t about downplaying your accomplishments; it’s about recognizing that we’re all works in progress, learning and growing along the way.
7. You always give up:
The voice of defeat can be the loudest of them all, convincing us that we’re destined to fail before we even begin. Yes, it’s true, I have given up on a lot during my years. I have made choices and I’ve often associated them with failures. But setbacks are not synonymous with failure; they’re new opportunities. Detours aren’t the wrong way, it’s just another way around. Perseverance isn’t about never faltering; it’s about picking yourself up each time you stumble and pressing onward with renewed determination.
8. You’re wasting your time:
The insidious whisper of doubt, telling you that every effort expended is futile, every moment spent a wasted opportunity. Even as I’m working on this project, there is the voice in my head saying, “Why are you even making this video, you could be resting. You could be watching tv. Nobody is going to watch this anyways. They will be watching something better on Netflix. Go watch Netflix!”
But wouldn’t watching Netflix be a greater waste of time? I ask. This usually shuts the voice up for a bit and it reminds me that time is not merely a currency to be spent, but a precious resource to be savored and invested wisely.
Pause and reflect on the moments that have brought you joy, the pursuits that have ignited your passion, the connections that have enriched your life. Are they truly wasted, simply because they aren’t how other people want to spend their time? Whether anyone watches my videos, reads my stories, or sees my illustrations, it doesn’t matter. The value of an experience isn’t measured solely by its tangible outcomes, but by the intangible lessons learned, the memories made, and the growth nurtured along the way.
The voice in my head has a lot to say, but you know what? So do I. And while my battle against my negative self-talk will likely be a lifelong endeavor, I won’t give up. On top of that, I’m going to keep talking. I’m going to keep doing what I do. I’m going to try new things that excite me and pursue projects with no end in sight. I’m going to drown out that little voice with everything I do. The voice in my head will not shut me up.
What does the voice in your head tell you? What do you do about it? Let me know in the comments.
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Elliot Chan 