It’s how you say it

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Talking down to friends, family, and teammates can only weaken the links

By Elliot Chan, Opinions Editor
Formerly published in The Other Press. October 21, 2015

The act of belittling another verbally, whether it’s in a work environment or in a social setting, is so offensive that often I regret not responding physically. True, we might have messed up, dropped a ball here or there, but regardless of the situation, neither you nor I should be talked down to. However, we must also be cautious to not ridicule and belittle others.

We’ve all had to work with someone who didn’t have the same level of skill in a particular task as we did. When I say work, I also include other team activities such as sports. Life is all about teamwork, and the old adage rings true: “You’re only as strong as your weakest link.” While you may think that calling out another’s shortcomings or ridiculing them publically in front of their peers is an effective way of motivating them to improve, it is not!

What you must understand is that not everyone shares the same level of interest or passion as you in any given project. Believe me, if you shame someone enough times, especially in a team environment where trust and loyalty is paramount, you’ve lost them. They’ll find new friends, get another job, and avoid you completely. Nothing you do is special enough to mistreat others over. People will get fed up, angry, and often retaliate. This can be incredibly destructive.

If you think that others should pick up the slack, you should really look in the mirror and ask yourself: Are you the top performer? Are you the best on your team? Are you literally better than everyone else you work with? If you are, what the hell are you doing with these losers? Go pick on someone your own size. If not, then shut up! This looking down on people is the same vain and arrogant way of thinking that makes you ugly, regardless of how you look.

There is only so far you can push other people before they push back. If you don’t establish camaraderie first, then there is no balance between the team. There is a reason why in every creative writing class students are encouraged to note something good before mentioning something bad. It’s not because we are sensitive and we need things sugarcoated. It’s because we are human and we have feelings. We are all equals in the grand scheme of things.

We all know how it feels to be talked down to. You may have been on the receiving end of a situation I described above, with a team member or friend telling you you weren’t good enough. As a younger adult, like many college students are, I often feel that the older generation—those with full-time jobs, children, and a retirement plan—cannot help but lecture me. I’m not talking about helpful advice; I’m talking about critical, judgmental assessment of my values, pursuits, and character. Some of them speak as if I’m entitled, inconsiderate, disrespectful, ungrateful, or unmotivated. Ultimately, a conversation with these older people becomes a vicious assault of guilt and shame.

Life is too short to spend your time being put down by an employer, spouse, boyfriend or girlfriend, or teammate. Life is too short to be spent with people who don’t appreciate you for your efforts. If you find yourself in defence mode all the time, get out of the situation now. The best way to retaliate to those talking down to you is to leave, completely.

How Making, Recording, and Measuring Decisions as a Team Can Change Your Company

Nothing says teamwork better than a group of people aligned in the decision making process. While some workplaces are guided by the “executive decisions” of the boss, that leadership practice might not necessary be the best approach in advocating change, nurturing involvement and learning from prior mistakes (i.e. bad decisions).

Steven Forth, CEO and director of Nugg, an application that enable workplace team members to focus, decide, track and align ideas, believes that decisions should not be made in a vacuum, and that the full decision-making cycle begins and ends with proper communication.

Forth wrote: “Some would say research, and research is sometimes needed, but the best decisions are made as part of conversations.”

Intuitive decisions should not feel random

The decision making cycle includes five key steps: surface, discuss, decide, execute, and review; all of which plays into a long-term goal. It’s true that not all decisions are of equal value; some are undoubtedly more serious than others. With that being said, the process of making decisions should not feel random, even though gut feelings, deadlines and stress may play a role.

“Emotions are critical to making intuitive decisions. ‘It feels right’ is a valid reason to make a decision,” wrote Forth. “But you still need to think through what the outcomes will be. Nugg let’s you mark any update or comment as a decision and then you or another person on your team can unfold that decision in more detail.”

Designate time to perform and review

By establishing a workplace culture that track, measure and review decisions after time have passed, allows team members to stay alert and execute appropriately in the future. Setting deadlines may seem like a stress magnifier, but that is not necessarily true. Implementing deadlines can sharpen intuitive decision-making, dampen procrastination and offer a more focused timeframe for exploration.

“Review date and getting explicit about expected and actual outcomes is so important,” Forth wrote. “And in most cases the first review should be relatively soon, within three months at the very longest. If you expect an outcome and are not getting it you need to review the decision.”

Don’t let good ideas and bad results get lost in the clutter

It’s not surprising that most people would want to quickly dismiss a bad decision from the past, wipe it from their mind and start anew. But that mentality will lead to history repeating itself. Don’t simply brush bad results under the desk, because they’ll likely reemerge in another form to waste time, effort and money.

On the flip side of the coin, good ideas are exchanged on the daily with zero trace. These ideas are often lost in an email thread, scattered amongst the shambles on your desk or simply placed in the back of your mind.

“Recording decisions and measuring the outcomes is critical today,” noted Gord Kukec, Member of the BCFerries Board of Directors, in a conversation with Nugg. “With so much happening it is easy for people to lose track of decisions and fail to check what actually results, but few teams do this in any systematic way. If you don’t record your decisions and measure the outcomes, you will never improve.”

Employ team members to participate in the decision-making process

Making decisions, especially on behalf of a whole company, is a scary venture. Ultimately, most long-term results are unpredictable.

That being the case, an individual may panic, second-guess or be guided by a bias intention. Even the most apt leaders will have trouble making those “executive decisions,” but the pressure shouldn’t fall solely on the boss—the supporting team should have equal responsibility to supply input and review previous cases, thus leading the best possible result, even if the decision was made in haste.