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Merchandise malice

/ Elliot Chan / Leave a comment

Formerly published in The Other Press. Nov. 6 2012

Proper etiquette at the cash register

By Elliot Chan, Contributor

Nothing is stealthier than the month of November; every year it sneaks up and startles me. Now that it is here, that means Christmas and chaos are just around the corner. Breathe, keep calm; there is still time, but to avoid turning into a shopping mall monster, there are some lessons to learn. As a proud supporter of the “Customers are not always right” theory, I feel educated enough to teach it.

Inconsiderate people come in all shapes and sizes. But to members of the retail and customer service industry, everybody seems inconsiderate, and that’s something to keep in mind when approaching the queue. I know you’ve spent a long time at the mall, that you’re tired and frustrated from buying gifts, but the cashiers, clerks, and everyone else working have been there even longer. You chose to be at the mall—they didn’t. They were just victim to debts and the unfortunate holiday blackout schedules.

So how should you behave when the person behind the counter greets you with a friendly, yet composed smile? Smile back, of course. They aren’t the dirty squeegee guys that approach your car on the freeway exit. They are not attempting to waste your time by getting the price check or annoy you by asking if you are interested in their new promotion. They are just doing their job. Maybe not to perfection, but can you admit to never counting the hours until the end of a shift? So be a forgiving costumer, but more importantly, be a forgettable costumer.

You can learn a lot about someone by the way they handle their money. Having a good estimation of how much you have in your shopping cart before approaching the till can help you manage your wallet after the big lineup. There is a time and a place to pay with your loose change; the holiday season is not one of them. So if you’re paying more than five dollars by scattering nickels, dimes, and quarters onto the counter and expecting the cashier to count it all, you are inconsiderate. Admit it! And if you are buying anything less than 10 dollars by dropping a 100 dollar bill, well, don’t get angry when they hand you back a wad of fives. The ability to tell the difference between a bank and a store is important—recognize them before shopping.

Like bees in a hive or ants in their hills, we must all work together at a shopping mall. So please, control your children, walk at a steady pace—preferably on the right hand side—, and avoid loitering in front of entrances. Remembering these little tidbits might not make your shopping experience easier, but it’ll make everyone else’s.

Ghoulish garments

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Formerly published in The Other Press. Oct. 30 2012

Dressing for the Halloween spirits

By Elliot Chan, Contributor

Nightclubs, house parties, random neighbourhood cul-de-sacs: it doesn’t matter where you end up on Halloween night or the weekend prior. What matters is that you are dressed appropriately for the end of October ritual.

What is Halloween if not a chance to show all of your friends how clever you are? You’ve dug deep into the gallows of your imagination and scrounged up some abstract ideas. You tied them all together and examined yourself in the mirror. After nodding with approval, you headed off to the party and realized that most people don’t watch the same television shows, play the same video games, or even understand the same scientific concepts you do. So what ends up happening? Well, everyone you encounter that night will wholesomely ask you the same question: “What are you supposed to be?” You’ll look down at yourself, observe the obvious, and say, “Duh, I’m Kevin Kline’s character from Sophie’s Choice,” or “I’m the Prophet Skeram from World of Warcraft” or “I’m the concept of condensation.” I’m not telling you to dress like the cliché pirates, princesses, and cowboys. Thinking outside of the box is good, but remember you want to receive high-fives for recognition and not shunning looks of alienation.

Concerning the maniacs: as long as you are not physically injuring others, there is no such thing as an offensive costume. If you want to dress as a different race and/or gender, nobody will stop you. Explore, but consider ahead. Ask yourself, in a couple of years do you really want to remember that night you were cross-dressing? Your costume is a brief legacy; make sure you’re proud of it. We all wonder how we would look as Wonder Woman, but let’s not be hasty. You won’t offend me, but you might offend the person you become later on in life.

Concerning the femme fatales: for years now, girls have been using Halloween as an excuse to dress, shall we say, eccentrically, and that is why I enjoy Halloween more than Thanksgiving. But I will not let you get away with wearing a cat ear headband and a black low-cut dress and calling yourself a pretty kitty. Looking attractive is not a costume! It should be, I know, but it isn’t, so be creative. Also, don’t forget to bring a jacket; unless you’re going as Smurfette, you won’t look good with blue skin on the walk home.

As students, most of us are scrapping by, but it is not okay to rehash the previous year’s costume. Halloween is like New Year’s Eve: it’s about change, rejuvenation, and growth (or is that St. Patrick’s Day?). Costumes create a timeline for your life. To have the same costume every year is to have a repetitive, boring life that’s not worth remembering. So even if you throw something together last minute, it is still better than throwing on the same bed sheet and calling yourself a ghost for another year.

Despite the lack of statutory respect, Halloween is a holiday people remember. Dress accordingly so the memories don’t come back and haunt you.

The art of being alone

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alone

Formerly published in The Other Press. Oct. 23 2012

There is no shame in solitude
By Elliot Chan, Contributor

After a grueling week of customer service and group projects, it’s healthy to want some alone time. Yet, to many people the idea of going out by themselves is pitiful. What could be worse than entering a restaurant and asking for a table for one? Society has made it taboo to enjoy solitary pleasures, but I find solace in knowing that nobody can alienate those already alone.

We live in a chaotic world where everyone is juggling responsibilities and relationships in one hand, and trying to hold their coffee in the other. People claim to know how to relax, but they’re often simply introducing another stressful activity. Don’t underestimate the strenuousness of hanging out with friends. It can be exhausting trying to gather everyone and diplomatically decide what to do. Enough of them—it is time to focus on yourself. Go on and ask yourself what you really want to do, and do it.

Time alone is not wasted time. In fact, occasional solitude is beneficial. For one thing, being alone allows your brain to function at a slower pace. In a group, a collection of minds can work as one to formulate solutions. Alone, your mind is simply allowed to drift from thought to thought, analyzing data at its own speed and arriving at personally desirable conclusions. This is a replenishing experience. I consider it the ground floor of being yourself. From there, you can understand your ideal mode of concentration and that is the staircase to self-discovery. Sorry to get all Zen on you guys, but it is a vital part of examining whether or not you are in fact a needy jerk.

Of course, I am not telling you to join a monastery and become a recluse. I’m also not telling you to cancel plans to take naps either. What I am saying is that it is okay to negotiate time with yourself, your co-workers, classmate, friends, family, and significant others. Solitude will improve your relationship with all those people, because any form of relationship is a reflection of yourself. So the better you recognize your own features, the clearer you can see those in others.

Being independent is a positive attribute. Some people consider it loneliness, but I consider it freedom. I am free to try that new restaurant, watch that old movie, or visit a town that I never knew existed. We don’t need to feel guilty or ashamed for going on adventures alone. We should feel privileged. So schedule some solitary time, because in a world of over seven billion people, it is the time alone that we should truly cherish.

Vampires, zombies, aliens, oh my! Why we love our classic monsters

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zomb

Formerly published in The Other Press. Oct. 23 2012

By Elliot Chan, Contributor

Mythology, folklore, and campfire stories have fuelled some of humanity’s most frightening monsters, but few of them have made an impact on pop culture the way vampires, zombies, and aliens have. Television, cinema, literature, and even public events are dedicated to these popular monsters. There is no killing our love for them. They will haunt us forever.

Monsters, like technology or any other form of entertainment, bridge the gap between generations. People live, age, and die, but our fears are immortal. Take a look at the vampire; is there a reason why contemporary culture still finds these castle-dwelling bloodsuckers relevant? Well, since the early 1800s, vampires have evolved from the caped Count who “vanted to suck your blood” to the Twilight series’ heartthrob we all know today. The vampires’ versatility is the reason they are so popular in entertainment. The fact that they not only transform into bats, but also take on human attributes makes them so dauntingly endearing.

While vampires are always different, zombies are always the same. So why do we have these undead obsessions? Hidden deep in our primal brain is the knowledge that one day, all will end. The plethora of apocalyptic possibilities is a rainstorm in our heads. We can shield ourselves from it, but we can’t stop it. Plagues and epidemics might seem like a concern for the dark ages, but even with our wealthy medical care we are not immune to diseases. With popular shows like The Walking Dead enforcing people’s fears and adding to the realism of such trying situations, there is no wonder that zombies are so frighteningly infamous.

We are not so different from the monsters we create—especially those that really make us cringe and shiver. Those that force their way into our lives are the ones that stem from a strong possibility of existing. All quality monsters are mysteries, and there is no bigger mystery than aliens. We can play ignorant and imagine a lonely universe, but to most people the idea of life beyond Earth is not only plausible but expected. With all our science and technology, the question is not whether or not there are aliens, but whether or not we will find them—before they find us.

It’s not an accident that certain monsters are more popular than others. Each one triggers a unique reaction in the human psyche. By analyzing these fictional fiends, we are able to dig deep into our instincts and understand the creative link between fear and fantasy.

How are you, really? The complexities of small talk

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Formerly published in The Other Press. Oct. 16 2012

It’s not the size that matters

By Elliot Chan, Contributor

Small talk doesn’t need to happen, but it does. Often overwhelmed by the awkward silence between two people, small talk manifests itself in various occasions from waiting in line for coffee to mingling at a social gathering. Since it’s too strange to smile at someone and not say anything, we might as well try to perfect the skill. Properly conducted small talk will make a big impression, but there’s the possibility that negative repercussions will leave you looking like either an obnoxious rambler or a disregarding jerk.

While some of us have busy lives and are eager to get things done, others are lonely and starved for human contact. The key is being able to identify which is which. So before you ask someone how he or she is doing, ask yourself if you even care. A simple “Good morning,” or “Hello,” might sound drab and boring, but it’s a polite way of putting the conversation onus on the other person.

Some people prefer entering a conversation with “How are you doing today?” and most of the time it’s harmless, but every so often you’ll find someone who just isn’t doing well and wants to vent. Sure, you might’ve helped that person relieve some stress, but they also murdered a chunk of your day. Is it worth it? If you don’t want to know how someone’s weekend was, don’t ask. If you don’t really care how their family is doing, don’t inquire about them. To avoid exiting a conversation early and leaving the person feeling rejected, it is important to understand what you want out of the small talk.

There’s nothing wrong with the classics. Talking about the weather has become a cliché or a bad habit, but why should it be that way? Why can’t we just embrace the topic? After all, despite all the science in the 21st century, weather is still an uncontrollable factor in our lives. It’s fascinating! Shouldn’t we talk about that? And since so few of us are ever correct about it, shouldn’t we take in everybody’s opinion? If even the professionals can’t get it right, then it seems like a very harmless conversation to have

Well-constructed small talk can be a very enjoyable experience. It doesn’t need to have a compelling anecdote or a passionate rant; it only needs to be mutual.

Guitar’s golden girl ‘Glows’

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Arts_Glow

Formerly published in The Other Press. Oct. 10 2012

Kaki King’s new album
By Elliot Chan, Contributor

4/5

Considered by many as one of the best guitarists in the world, Kaki King confirms it with her sixth full-length album, Glow. Katherine Elizabeth King, a.k.a. Kaki King, returns to her roots with an instrumental collection that will be available on October 9. Displaying all her imaginative musical talent, Glow has the potency to transport listeners to other parts of the world, proving that even without lyrics, music remains a universal language.

With assistance from ETHEL, a string quartet based out of New York, Kaki King achieves a dynamic range, where one song can have a distinct feel of the Orient (“Bowen Island”) and another have a rich Irish sound (“King Pizel”). Some songs soundtrack the cacophonies of urban hustle and grind, while others evoke a tranquil imagery of somewhere far, far away. Very few artists are able to create settings the way King does.

In contrast to her 2010 album Junior, Glow lacks King’s vividly haunting vocals. Although her classical acoustic ability remains stunning, it is a shame that she did not contribute some of her poetic styling into her new works.

That is not to say she’s simplified her music though; on the contrary. Glow’s content is far more complex than any verse-and-chorus song around. But I am a sucker for lyrics; the added dimension of words is usually what makes a song memorable. Nevertheless, the album is King in her element; there is nothing she can’t do with six strings.

If busy students need a reason to explore new music, consider Glow to be a studying companion.

Kaki King will also be performing at the Rio Theatre next Tuesday, October 16. Tickets are only $20 at the door!

‘Lightning’ strikes, but it’s not ‘Grand’

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ARTS_Lightning

Formerly published in The Other Press. Oct. 2 2012

By Elliot Chan, Contributor

3/5

If the fleeting moments of summer could be captured on an album, then Matt & Kim have done the job. The indie-pop duo’s fourth album, Lightning, came out on October 2—just in time to help you cope with the looming monotonous seasons ahead.

Those familiar with Matt Johnson and Kim Schifino’s earlier works will know their music arouses the body, forcing you onto your feet, and percolating the senses to dance. You could resist it, but sitting still through a whole song is like holding in a sneeze, something they’ve managed to accomplish yet again on this album.

…their music arouses the body, forcing you onto your feet, and percolating the senses to dance.

In fact, Matt & Kim bring all the elements we love back into their new album. That said, their lack of risk-taking can’t be ignored. There is something about Lightningthat just didn’t spark me the same way their last album Sidewalks (2010) did. I feel like I am arriving at the same party, with all the same people, and talking about all the same things.

Regardless of the party’s familiarity, if you let loose, then you’ll have a good time. But the songs are not all fun and games; most of the lyrics derive from nostalgia. Their eighth track, “I Wonder” contains such savory lines as, “Maybe (maybe) I’ll learn all I need to know from bottles and their broken glass/ Maybe (maybe) these streets were my teachers and I sat in back of class.” Then there is their harmonized finale, “Ten Dollars I Found,” which has a melancholy overtone as they begin fading out: “I’ll buy the next round, with 10 dollars I found.”

Like the memories of summer, Lightning is short and sweet, containing 10 songs and, as usual, just surpassing 30 minutes.

The troll toll

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Formerly published in The Other Press. Sept 24 2012

How to avoid trolls on the Internet

By Elliot Chan, Contributor

Opinions_trollA virus has struck the Internet. It is too late for a firewall, it is too late to do a full computer scan, and it is too late to unplug and re-plug your modem. Trolling is officially an epidemic in our online communities. If you have made a sincere comment or left a genuine opinion, a troll is not far away, hunched over their computer, preparing a patronizing reply.

Go to your computer and scroll down any comments list. You don’t have to go far to uncover the markings of a troll. They are ruthless, senseless, and ignorant creatures. Feed them enough negative reinforcement and soon they’ll be insulting your religion, your ideals, and even your mother. Like a junkie getting high off narcotics, trolls get a euphoric sensation from your aggravation. Stop, accept that they exist, and let their antagonizing words fade into the ether.

Although trolling is widespread, the websites that allow users to create their own aliases (Twitter, YouTube, etc.) are more commonly subjected to their antics. So until the day a law is made requiring all computer users’ identification to post comments, we must fend for ourselves. But how can we? The World Wide Web is such a vulnerable place. There are the mean streets of Facebook, the terrifying ghettos of Twitter, and the dark alleys of Reddit. How do we protect ourselves during our online explorations?

Remember, trolls are human beings. That is, they are bored, vulgar, and insecure human beings. That statement alone should make you feel better. But if you still feel victimized by their existence, try this option: kill them with kindness. You’d be surprised how effective positivity can be when following their curt comments. Kindness is troll kryptonite. Give them respect, but don’t linger long—they won’t return it.

As bullying continues in our physical world, cyber-bullying will survive in the virtual one. The Internet will always be home to intolerance, profanity, and slander. But the website universe is vast; there is room for the passive surfers, the gracious Googlers, and the tepid browsers. After all, you don’t need to frequent the Internet that often anyways. The best way to avoid trolls and the temptation of becoming one is to explore the real world. Go out tonight, grab a drink with friends, and laugh over the fact that someone somewhere is unable to terrorize you through a computer screen.