By Elliot Chan, Opinions Editor
A satirical article, formerly published in The Other Press. Sept. 4, 2014
Recent studies done by Statistics of Canada, BuzzzFeed, and teen-fiction fanatic Wilson McMichael’s Survey Monkey page have shown that four out of five young couples between the ages of 18–30 have engaged in the “Emma Watson Talk.”
“Sexy Watson,” best-known for her role as Hermione Granger in the Harry Potter series, has been the centre of conversation for millions of millennials, ever since she got so crazy attractive and legal in the last few Harry Potter movies. Boyfriends and girlfriends across the globe are eager to know what their partner would do if the beloved Emma Watson were to consent to a threesome with the pair. Along with questions such as “Do you want children,” “Are you prepared for the future financially,” and “Why do you keep texting your ex,” couples want to be certain at the early stages that their committed relationship is not hindering their chances with Watson, should the opportunity arise.
“If we’ve learned anything from the Prisoner of Azkaban, nothing is impossible,” said Paddy Schwartz, age 23 and in a serious relationship. “My boyfriend, James, and I need to keep our options open. We don’t want to be slapping ourselves for imposing a promise that neither of us can keep. I mean, a relationship is all about trust and honesty. We would honestly let Emma have her way with us. Serious!”
According to the study, the desirability for Watson is 85 per cent higher than Orlando Bloom, 72 per cent higher than Justin Bieber, and 26 per cent higher than Peter Dinklage when it comes to being the third member of a threesome. Such clear facts are causing some people to worry that Watson might be the reason some relationships end.
“I would not let my boyfriend near Emma Watson,” said Heather Gatton. “She’s smart, beautiful, and an all-round great person—my boyfriend does not deserve her, and neither do I. We are doomed for each other, and that’s final.”
Meanwhile, others believe that the Emma Watson Talk serves as a great relationship test for many couples.
Psychologist Dr. Joan Ramón, a leader in couples’ therapy said: “If a couple disagrees on the Emma Watson Talk, then it’s a clear sign that the relationship will not work out in the long run. And if the man declares that he does not want to engage in a threesome with his girlfriend and Emma Watson, then another red flag is raised. Of course there are many variables in the studies and further research is needed. Perhaps the boyfriend is simply more of an Emilia Clarke kind of guy. That’s okay. But be cautious, ladies, you can’t really trust anyone who has a negative answer in regards to the Emma Watson Talk. It’s science—not magic.”
Many experts agree that should Emma Watson apparate in front of you and your significant other with the use of Floo Powder, engaging in coitus is a must. However, those experts also encourage couples to come to that conclusion for themselves.
“There are many perks to being a wallflower,” said Dr. Ramón, “but you don’t want to stand idly by while Emma Watson disappears again. I mean, let’s be serious, you’re not a Rupert Grint, are you?”
When asked about this phenomenon, Ms. Watson claimed she was flattered, but wouldn’t offer a quote. Damn, she’s classy!